Thursday, 14 June 2018

BAD TV is Back: Will I Love Island?

WOW it's dusty in here. Poor old BAD TV has been languishing for four years now, four long years spent casting hopelessly around for a reality TV show that was quite as blood-boilingly irritating as Made in Chelsea. For many moons I idly flicked through the channels - "X Factor (been there done that), Britain's Got Talent (spoiler: it hasn't), TOWIE (pls God No-ie), Love Island-

WAIT A MINUTE.


What is a Love Island!?" I definitely said out loud to myself in this absolutely not made up scenario.

Yes, dear BAD TV reader, I have a confession to make. 

I have never seen Love Island. 

It's the only thing me and this malevolent prune have in common.

I have been aware of Love Island. I have heard people talking about Love Island. But I have never watched a single episode. UNTIL TODAY WHEN IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT IT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE QUITE GOOD FOR THIS BLOG SO I GOT IT UP ON ITV PLAYER.

You heard correctly, BAD TV is back and this time I'm swapping Chelsea for wherever the hell Love Island is made. 

...a... shed?

Now, a disclaimer.

At some point shortly after I made the wise and fortuitous decision to resurrect BAD TV, I found myself browsing ITV Player like, "Whaaaat the heeeeell this show is on eeeeevery daaaay".  EVERY DAY? Every day. Every day is far too many Love Islands in my humble opinion so I wondered about covering the roundup show instead (THE WEEKLY HOTLIST 'loads of unseen action, all the best moments and much, much more, all crammed into one jam-packed hour') but that turned out to be crap too.

For a start, I don't think any of these people have ever even seen jam.


I can't write about Love Island every day, I just can't. So instead I'm just going to review the very first epiode from the perspective of someone who has never seen Love Island and doesn't understand any of the core concepts.

Like for example why it is filmed in a shed.

IF I get the urge, or you want me to, I may dive back in later.

OKAY, LET'S LOVE ISLAND.

Episode 1

Here we gooo! To the Love Island! Which may or may not contain a shed but I'm 99% sure will contain a group of people who are aesthetically pleasing yet intellectually disappointing!

Okay so there's a pub?

I'm not sure if this is separate from the shed or an extension of it. Either way it doesn't look very tropical.



Ohh okay this is just the bit showing people ditching their regular boring lives for THE LOVE ISLAND LIFE. 

Apparently people's regular boring lives contain a lot more shrugging in underwear than I was previously aware of.


Also quiiiiite a lot of sexual misconduct in the workplace.

Tbf we all have those days where we just clutch a boob and smile.
Then it's time for the opening credits, which is pretty much just flesh. 





As a vegetarian this makes me uncomfortable.

Villa time! Apparently the villa has had a makeover but, since I don't know what the old villa looked like, I remain unmoved. 

Did the old villa also look like an abandoned Tiger store that had been graffited by someone with 'yogi' in their Instagram bio?
Wait! The narrator just mentioned the rules and I wasn't listening! You have to couple up to win £50,000?

Well that sounds like a way to build healthy, long-lasting relationships!

Sexy, single people are arriving! Let's meet them.

First we have:

SAMIRA

I paused the screen at the wrong time but let's go with it.

Age: 22
Occupation: Musical theatre performer 
Likes: singing, dancing, performing, using reality TV to further her career
Dislikes: Being dumped (it makes her heart 'go to stone') 
FUN FACT: Samira loves a bit of a flirt and uses the word vibey as though it's a real adjective!

HAYLEY




Age: 21
Occupation: Model
Likes: Instagram, being cute
Dislikes: Guys who want to have their willy up as many girls as he wants [sic], big words
FUN FACT: Hayley knows a word in Spanish!


KENDALL





Age: 26
Occupation: Shoe shop manager
Likes: Her 33% discount
Dislikes: Her ex-fiance
FUN FACT: Kendall is open to anything. No wait not anything but you know what she means. 


DANI

 

Look these screenshots are really hard to time, okay?

Age: 21
Occupation: Barmaid and BEING DANNY DYER'S DAUGHTER
Likes: Pulling the perfect pint
Dislikes: Boys that sell you a dream and then you believe the dream and then you end up crying at the end of the dream
FUN FACT: DANNY DYER CALLED HIS DAUGHTER DANI DYER.


LAURA




Age: 29
Occupation: Air hostess
Likes: The Mile High Club
Dislikes: Being cheated on
FUN FACT: Laura has had 9 boyfriends and will list every single one of them even if you don't ask her to!

So that's all our ladies and I for one am never eating carbs again!

Oh Caroline Flack is here. That's nice.

Caroline wants to know if the ladies are here for LOVE or LUST which are the only TWO available OPTIONS. 


Everyone says they are here for LOVE and the REAL THING, which wasn't actually on the list of options but whatever.



Well an abandoned Tiger store covered in cameras is definitely the ideal place to find that!

It's time to meet the boys! Everyone knows that best way to find love is to stand in a line and judge a procession of other people based entirely on their looks so let's do that!

NIALL

 



Age: 23
Occupation: Student
Likes: Looking proper good on his Insta, Harry Potter
Dislikes: Girls who think he's just a "typical muscle fit lad", his old ears
FUN FACT: Niall has Hermione Granger's wand tattooed on his arm and wants to show you his wand too! Aren't you lucky!

Only Kendall steps forward for Niall but Caroline says he can choose any girl to couple up with even though I thought he had to choose from the ones that wanted to couple up with him?



Nothing like encouraging young men to pursue women who aren't interested!


Anyway Niall does the uncreepy thing and chooses Kendall in return. Well done Niall.



ALEX



Age: 27
Occupation: A&E doctor
Likes: Having an unprofessional bedside manner outside of work or something
Dislikes: His mum nagging him to find someone
FUN FACT: Alex says his work can inclued 'dealing with a cut finger nail'. Alex might actually be a manicurist.

No one steps forward for Alex because he is boring and forgot to do his shirt up. NEVER MIND THOUGH ALEX, for some reason you're still allowed to choose whoever you want from this selection of women who aren't interested in you! Including the girl who already chose to be with someone else!

I don't think that I like this show.
Alex chooses Laura, who looks as pleased as you can imagine.


As pleased as a doctor when someone comes into A&E with a cut fingernail!
Alex is excited though so who gives a fuck!

Next up...


WES


Age: 20
Occupation: A desiregeneer- nucl-oh-WES-A design engineer.
Likes: Cognitive dissonance
Dislikes: Having to say his job title out loud without shouting his own name halfway through
FUN FACT: Wes likes treating girls the way they are meant to be treated (like queens, apaz) and also thinks all the girls in the villa are 'fair game'.

Laura steps forward, away from Alex who picked her against her will, and says she doesn't know why she stepped forward. Wes chooses Laura back, but not before apologising to Alex who owned her previously. 

Alex has to go and sit on some special chairs for losers but only until the remaining guys choose their two girls and then he gets whoever's left over. Just like every classic love story.

EYAL

 



Age: 22
Occupation: Model
Likes: Being spiritual, inspiring people
Dislikes: People who have no depth, people who are not fun in the bedroom
FUN FACT: I have no facts, just wanna say Eyal is creepy AF.

The three remaining single ladies step forwards for Eyal because he is an actual fucking model and they all have eyes. In the surprise of the century, Eyal the model chooses Hayley, the other model. 


JACK




Age: 26
Occupation: Sells pens
Likes: Selling pens
Dislikes: People who don't want to buy pens?
FUN FACT: You can see Jack's teeth from the International Space Station.

Dani and Samira both step forward because the other option is Old Pot Noodle at the Back of the Cupboard, Alex. Jack chooses Dani and Samira gets the old pot noodle.

SURPRISE! Another guy is here just in case you hate pot noodles!


ADAM




Age: 22
Occupation: Personal trainer
Likes: Having fun
Dislikes: Sex that isn't quick
FUN FACT: The biggest thing Adam brings to a relationship is just having a laugh. It is unclear who is laughing.

Love Flacktually asks Hayley if she's tempted. Hayley says she's happy with who she's with because she can't remember Eyal's name. Adam has 24 hours to nab a wench or he goes home.

Now they all just hang around, I guess? The girls talk about the boys. The boys talk about teeth. Hayley still can't say Eyal's name even though it's kind of the middle of her name.

This goes on for a while. Is this the whole show? 


Oh my god guys it's been like 15 minutes, I think this might be the whole show. 

How is this on every daaaaay.

After a while they all drift off to have set up conversations with their respective partners. 

As Niall and Kendall get to know each other, Kendall says she too is a massive Harry Potter fan. Niall says "Oh really, what's your favourite film?"

FILM.


Seriously fuck this show.

SOMETHING IS HAPPENING KLAXON. 


There's a BEDROOM!!!!

Oh my gaaaaaaaaad.

The girls do a really good job of screaming like people who have never seen beds before.

Whilst also strategically holding up the personalised water bottles the show is trying to sell.

The boys are outside, working equally hard at water bottle promotion.


But probably getting paid more to do it amiright ladiiiieees.

Alex is feeling sad about being an old Pot Noodle. Don't worry, says Eyal, tomorrow is a new day.

"Every day is a new day," Wes adds sagely, to a chorus of impressed approval.




The only thing the boys grasp more than those water bottles is the concept of time.
Back to the girls in the bedroom, who are talking about how Laura likes Adam. The narrator casually slut shames Laura by saying "She started with Alex, moved on to Wes, and now she fancies Adam! Typical air stewardess, very flighty!"


Can I get a fucking retraction over here?

Because of course what he means to say is, she was chosen against her will by Alex, stepped forward for Wes to get away from Alex, and has now met someone she actually likes.



I got you, L.
There's a first night party and everyone gets dressed up in order to continue talking about each other!


It's really different from when everyone was talking about each other before because this time it's night.
The 'drama' mainly revolves around Adam and which bird he's going to tea leaf after his 24 hours is up. Laura likes Adam with her sexual things so it's not looking good for Wes.

It finally comes out that Dani Dyer's dad is Danny Dyer.

"Wait so his name is Danny Dyer and he also called you, his daughter, Dani Dyer?"
In the mystery shed, Dani makes fun of the fact that Jack sells pens as though being on Love Island isn't the number one thing he should be ashamed of.


STOP PEN-SHAMING.
Night passes and also an ad break! The narrator reminds us of who all the current couples are again in case we forgot since five minutes ago.



Adam continues to prowl around the ladies to decide which one he's going to hit over the head and drag back to his cave. I continue to remain unimpressed with the concept of women as objects to be claimed at will.

Who ordered a feminist killjoy?



Because I'm heeeeeeerrrre!

Laura and Samira both say they like Adam! Adam says he literally loves everyone. 

I literally can't wait for this to end.
Luckily for me, I remember I'm not watching live and skip forward to Adam's Big Decision which is being treated like it's Sophie's fucking Choice. 

GET ON WITH IT LITERALLY NO ONE IS GOING TO DIE AND THAT'S THE CORRECT WAY TO USE LITERALLY, BY THE WAY

 A quick interlude to appreciate Adam's hilariously tiny jeans...


...and Adam has chosen...

What the fresh hell, the episode ended.

Seriously fuck this show.

Wednesday, 17 September 2014

Made in Chelsea NYC: The Finale - 'The Finale' means 'The End' and that can only be a good thing.

It's the finale already? It's like all my Christmases have come six episodes early!

Could it be that Made in Chelsea's producers have finally realised that half a series is the maximum amount the general public can take before they start queuing up to throw themselves in the Hudson?

Or did Obama catch wind of what was happening in New York and retract the Idiot Parade's visas immediately?

"The fuck is this? What the fuck is a Binky?"

Whatever the reason, let us not question this wise and fortuitous decision, let us simply sit back and enjoy what is sure to be an epic finale of passive aggressive bitching, Instagram-filtered pictures of New York, painfully fake parties, two-day 'relationships', pretend conversations, close-ups of foodstuffs and Spencer being a massive shit*.

*Any boy from Chelsea being a massive shit.

*Anyone from Chelsea being a massive shit.

*Everyone in this series being massive shits.

Previously on Made in Chelsea:

- Spencer's hair tried to get as far away as possible from the nonsense coming out of his mouth.

"Run awaaaay!" - Spencer's hair.

- Louise made it through a whole series without crying apart from this one time probably.

Schrödinger's tears.

- And Stevie's mind was blown when he discovered straws for the first time. 

"This is the best thing I've sucked since my Eton days."

Then it's time to round off the series with one last idiotic quote, this time from New York's resident space invader Alik. 

I guess 'Captain Obvious' is slightly better than 'Captain Leather'.

The finale commences, as every other episode, with the boys doing stupid rich people stuff. This week it's jet-skiing. 

Spencer takes a moment to give a little salute to the Statue of Liberty.


Meanwhile, Lucy and Stephanie take a huge dog called Meatloaf for a walk. 

Why are there never any cats on Made in Chelsea?

Maybe I have finally discovered the root cause of why I don't like Made in Chelsea.

Dog people. Can't trust 'em.

They stop in the middle of the street for absolutely no reason other than to talk about Stephanie's feelings for Stevie. 

LucyBot has so nearly mastered her 'interested in other people's feelings' face.

Elsewhere, Louise, Barry Scott, Rosie and RoboRiley go to the most aptly named ice cream parlour they could have found. 

Yep.

Riley has a robot slip-up. 

"So the humans just stand here and hold this small cone? For what purpose?"

Anyway who cares about ice cream when Bob's got the hairdo of an Anzu wyliei dinosaur?

Told you.

In the unlikely event that you can draw your attention away from that impressive crest, you'll hear Alik blabbing on about falling in love with Louise. 

Luckily the boys are there to shit on his parade by assuring Alik that Louise would only get bored of him if he followed her back to England. 

"Seriously, she got bored of me cheating on her like *that*."

Back at the ice cream parlour, Louise is also talking about her holiday romance. In fact, she's really upset about leaving New York...

Really upset you say?

Could it be...?

Yaaaaaaaaay!

A series of MiC without Louise crying is like a series of MiC without fence.

Or a series of MiC without a line of increasingly diminishing lamps.

In another bit of New York Ciddy, Billie looks unhappy near lavender.

The Surrey? Jeez New York, get your own posh people place names.

Billie is about to get down to some serious talking about feelings, namely ones that have been hurt by Stevie still having feelings for his ex.

God this show should be called Made in Feelings.

Billie tells Stevie she ain't nobody's rebound girl and stalks off. Yay Billie!

Unfortunately, Stevie gives so very few fucks.

Oh Eff Eff Ess, here's Mark and Binky in a horse-drawn carriage because who said wealth could buy good taste? 

If ever there was a time for Cloverfield...

Mark informs Binky that he has had the *revolutionary* idea of planning a boat party on the Hudson to conclude their holiday. 

Then the pair continue their carriage trip, riding around Central Park and squawking about bollocks.

"MONEEEEYYYY!"

Over at Jamie's apartment, the poor dear is trying everything he can to improve his I.Q.

Unfortunately, all of that hair bleach has left him brain-dead for good.

Talking of a lack of braincells, young lovers Alik and Louise are spending their precious last days together by... playing with paints.

"L IS FOR LEFT!"

Guess what they're talking about?

It's either feelings or indigestion.

Elsewhere, Rosie reads in the script that she's about to bump into her Polyenemies Jules and Jana so she dresses appropriately for the confrontation.

As a lampshade.

Sadly there's no big fight. Jules simply apologises to Rosie and says he had wanted to reveal himself to her sooner LOL. 

Boy, Jana really looks like someone who's happy to be in an open relationship doesn't she?!

In other news, Bob's bob is getting too much for me. 

Bob's bob is getting too much for Bob.

Sadly, we have to drag ourselves away from that devastating coiffure because there's some more feelings about to go down as Stephanie and Stevie meet up for a post-Billie-chat-chat.

Oops no, my bad. Just more awkward kissing from Stevie.

Later that night, Louise and Binky head to Claudia Winkleman's place for dinner.

Louise straight up tells C.Winks that this meal would be better if it had truffles in. 

"When are you dickheads leaving again?"

Also a dickhead, is Spencer.

Just in general.

Unsurprisingly, he will shortly be meeting Billie for a drink BUT FIRST: 

FEELINGS AHOY!

Yep, that's Billie bumping into Stevie and Stephanie on a date. Oh goodie!

It's even more gloriously awkward than you'd expect, as Billie decides to let slip all the fun things Stevie said to her about being over Stephanie. 

All delightfully underscored by Stephanie's increasingly outraged expressions.

Stevie storms off in a rage because he's such a Nice Guy, leaving Stephanie in tears and wishing she wasn't in New York right now. 

HEY. 
Don't blame New York for Chelsea's arseholes.

Then someone murders The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel as Billie heads off to hook up with Spencer instead. 

You know you're a bad person when what you've done is so awful that it drives a girl to Spencer Matthews.

END OF EPISODE FIGHTING PARTY ALERT! 

This time it's on a boat so fingers crossed for Titanic 2.

The whole gang's there. 

Including Indiana Bob and Stevie, who came from his part-time job at Butlins.

Alik is there too and he takes a break from assaulting Louise's face with his mouth to inform Jamie that BOB AND LUCYBOT TOTALLY HOOKED UP OR WHATEVER.

"Robob?!"

Aghast, Jamie staggers off to confront Robob but Robob don't give a shit because Robob is a cold and beautiful thing. 

So cold.
So Robob.

Night descends on the party and all the cross-pond couples get sad about their impending separations. 

Cheer up guys! A week is a pretty solid innings for any Made in Chelsea relationship!

I'm expecting the whole lot of them to just go ahead and break into a round of fucking 'Summer Loving' to close out the episode, but instead we have to endure yet more Louise and Leather Creepbag.

Not content with a mere summer fling, Louise decides to become Mrs. Creepbag as the pair declare their love for each other, decide to move to Chelsea together and then make out while everyone else watches and cheers.

Bu-ut ah... those suuuummerrrr niiiights when everyone you know watches you pull some guy. 

Well-a well-a well-a fuck off. 

And then it sank The End.

Next time on Made in Chelsea

- Wait...

WHAT

- I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE END

WHY

- THEY ALL DIED WHEN THE SHIP WENT DOWN, RIGHT?

HUH?

- NO??

FUCK.

I guess I'll see you next time then...