Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Made In Chelsea, Episode 3: In which Herby the dog wonders what he did to deserve this.

Previously on Made In Chelsea: 

Absolutely fuck all happened.


Today's Quote Of The Day is sponsored by Mark Francis, a man who laughs like a threatened chimpanzee.

Incidentally, his laughter is also the anthropomorphised sound of the oppression of the poor. 

Here's what Mark has to say about themed parties:

Yep, that's right people. If you want Mark Francis at your Halloween party you had better make damn sure you're throwing it in Versailles. Luckily, no one actually wants Mark Francis at their Halloween party so, you know: as you were. 

The first random body parts shot happens approximately one minute into the show. 

Know your place, plebs. It is here, at the feet of these rich people. 

Private Investigator Millie is taking Herby for a walk. She gets about half-way down the street before getting bored and making a phone call. 

You can tell Herby is embarrassed. 

There is a new lady!

She lives in St Pancras Station and laughs when people say 'bitch'. 

Millie wants to meet up with her because she has 'today free'. I'm 90% sure that Millie Mackintosh has every day free, unless she counts taking Herby on half a walk as being busy.

The coven have convened to discuss Binky and the Brain's non-relationship. Apparently Jamie hasn't called her since Spencer's birthday. Binky is scared she looks like a mug. 

Not at all Binky! I mean, maybe for being on this show, but not at all because of Jamie. 

Having made sure that Binky is definitely choosing Jamie, the man who is ignoring her, over Sam, the man who likes her, Cheska asks if she can have Sam's number instead. 

The vulture of the dating world.

Demonstrating that Binky has made the right choice, Jamie is flirting his way through a sweet shop. 

Not as 'Jimmy Savile' as it sounds.

A man enters the shop as both his pre- and post-homelessness self: 

Just kidding, it's only Bob and Francis!

Like David Cameron taking the tube, Sam, Stevie and Andy attempt to prove that they are men of the people by nipping in to their local pub. 

And then ruin it by ordering cocktails. 

Cheska texts Sam asking if he would like to go for a drink with her and gets the positive reaction of outright laughter from everyone. 

"Hahaha she does know we're gay right??"

Elsewhere, Herby gets forced into an unwanted three-way hug. 

This dog's face wears a constant expression of 'FML'. 

I am battling the sneaking suspicion that new girl Sophia is just Caggie Dunlop in a wig.

How's that music career going Caggie? What's that? So good you've had to dye your hair and come back as a different character? Excellent.

Back at Jamie's sweet shop, Francis steals some pants. 

Times are hard on the streets. 

Spencer's calling!

Swooooooooon. Vomit. 

He wants everyone to come down to Brighton and play volleyball, as you do. Jamie thinks it's going to be 'EPIC'. Francis doesn't seem to agree. 

This would be my reaction if someone asked me to go all the way to Brighton to play volleyball too. 

Louise and Rosie have met up for some soft focus orange juice and a chat about Spencer. 

Juice porn. 

Louise is happy because things with Spencer are sorted out now. She thinks that they are 'pretty indestructible'.

I would be willing to test this theory if someone could provide me with the correct weaponry. 

Millie, Herby and Caggie 2.0 arrive.

Herby can't believe he has to listen to these bitches. 

The indestructible Spencer and Louise are shaken a little when Caggie the Second reveals she and the Spencer had a 'young fling' back in the day. 

Speak of the slimebag and the slimebag he doth appear.

The Austin Powers car is back!

I would literally rather be seen driving that wagon in the background. 

Crazy Eyes is taking the coven for a break from whatever the hell it is they do (nothing). Cheska remembers to wear her wellies as they will be going to the countryside. 

The Countryside. 

This new cast member looks a bit old. 

Oh no wait, she's just a servant here to help them cleanse their bodies, minds and souls. She reassures them that 'yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift'. They respond by laughing in her face. 

"Hahaha she thinks our souls are redeemable."

It's okay though because she gets her own back by nicking all their phones. 

For some reason, volleyball is also happening somewhere. 


Spencer and Andy will be pitted against each other as team captains although, with all that sand around, they've got a pretty good gladiators arena set up. Might as well fight to the death. 

Poor Francis gets picked last, even after this girl called Fred.

Fred is a terrible name for a girl.

Volleyball goes on for quite some time before the sexual tension gets too much for everyone and they collapse into an orgy. 

Things have gone tits up back at Guantanamo Spa where someone has locked Crazy Eyes in a beer barrel. 

Fair enough. 

And someone else is beating Ollie with a bit of tree. 

Fair enough.

They eventually escape to a Victorian bedroom. Crazy Eyes says that she's happy they're all there together even though there's only two of them in the room. 

Crazy Eyes is craazy. 

I remember that these two used to be boyfriend and girlfriend so I'm wondering if we're about to see some posh lunatic sex but instead all we get is a clumsy plot device which will see the pair attending a boat party together later. 

The torture continues at dinner time, when the gang are forced to eat the world's most terrible dinner.


Back in Brighton, Bob and Spencer counsel Jamie on his 3-day relationship with Binky and he resolves to throw caution to the wind, wear his heart on his sleeve, follow the path of true love! ... and give her a call right there in the bar while his friends watch. 

Step aside Heathcliff, Mr Darcy and Prince Charming. This is romance.

He proceeds to have a phone conversation with Binky while Tweedle-Dumb and Tweedle-Bob attempt to guide him with various hand gestures. 

This one means 'Dye your hair a normal colour you awful homo sapien'.

Herby shits his tiny Versace dog pants as he gets taken out on a walk with the Hound of the Baskervilles.

"What the fresh hell is that?! Get it away from me!"

Francis, Rosie and Cag2 sit on a park bench to discuss Spencer. Cag2 thinks he reminds her of a puffed up chicken that is proud. Francis responds: "You mean like a cock."

And immediately cements himself as my favourite character. 

Here are some rich people's torsos and upper legs.

Back in the park, Cag-again and Francis discuss whether his moustache is called a moustache. We establish that it is called a moustache and everyone can move on with their lives. 

Here is some fencing. 

It's finally time for the boat party and no one told this guy that fancy dress is only okay in Versailles. 


Richard gathers all the partygoers to launch his new product.

He's invented the shag band.

Andy is having a nice time, although he confides in Louise that he feels like he's wobbling a bit. 

Obviously no one has taken the time to explain to him that he is on a boat. 

Sophaggie comes over and tell Louise that she doesn't fancy Spencer. 

That makes two of us!

In a bid to bring everyone's attention back to him, Andy shows us all his impression of Kenneth Williams in a Carry On film. 

Please do not carry on. 

Binky and Jamie have a conversation that goes on for about five minutes but where nothing actually seems to have been said. 

"I'll see your 'dunno' and raise you a hackneyed cliche."

Cheska finally hunts Sam down but he uppercuts her with an "It'd be good to be just mates" before she has time to devour him. 

I hope he doesn't have a pet rabbit and a pot of boiling water nearby. 


Next week on Made In Chelsea:

Crazy Eyes gets her jaw back into Ollie.

Andy and Stevie FINALLY get together.

And Jamie's sunglasses continue to be stuck in his teeth. 

Can't. Wait.

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