It's that time of year again, when members of the public get to be caught red-handed snooping inside the houses of pop superstars (and Louis Walsh) without being given a restraining order or losing their contract at News International.
At least it would be if any of the X Factor judges actually lived in any of these houses.
Yes, once again the X Factor has chosen a bunch of random fancy locations with the sole aim of giving desperate singers a glimpse into the lifestyles of the rich and the famous before sending most of them packing back to their dreaded 'normal jobs' (What's so bad about a normal job anyway? I mean, I don't have one but from what I can tell from The Office they seem quite hilarious).
First up it's the...
...and they're going to St Lucia OMGWTFIKNOWRIGHT.
Or, that would be the reaction if any of them knew where St Lucia was.
Really? So trusting? I mean, sure it could mean St Lucia the tropical island in the Caribbean but it could also mean St Lucia the AIDS hospice in Tanzania. Just sayin'.
Next up it's the...
...and we can all rest assured that Rylan has packed both swimming trunks and 'faleeces' in case he's going to the North Pole or The Desert -- the only two geographical locations that exist outside of Essex. Anyway, it's neither of those, they're off to Dubai.
...a category that has undergone severe changes because, fuck bootcamp right? Rough Copy have been kicked out due to 'visa issues'. Upon researching why this might be, I came across this Department of Homeland Security statement:
...so I can only come to the conclusion that one of Rough Copy is an alien.
I think it's the one on the right.
Because one group has gone and X Factor producers can't do maths, two groups have come back:
Yaaaay hot guy
and Triple J:
Who are now called Union J and have a new member because seriously what was the point of bootcamp.
They are all going to Vegas baby! Poisonous Twin try to work out which judge they have by wondering who has a house in Vegas. Now, why on earth would you think that 'Judges Houses' actually means a house owned by one of the judges. Idiots.
...are next and they're off to some manor house with a pointless sojourn to The Savoy to make up for the fact that they don't get to travel outside of England. Looks like Gary can't leave the country FOR SOME REASON:
Then it's time for each category to meet their judges.
In St. Lucia, Tulisa gets carried off a boat like a more awkward version of the disabled woman in Notting Hill.
Tinie Tempah is also there but he doesn't get carried, much to my disappointment.
Speaking of disappointment, over in Vegas the groups have just found out that Louis is their judge.
In 'Doobz' as Rylan calls it, everyone looks sweaty except Nicole who just looks like an idiot.
"I regret this already!"
And finally, Gary and Chezza Cole arrive in Gary's unidentified flying object, much to the chagrin of OTT dancing lady...
...who thinks that Gary finds her irritating instead of just realising that everyone finds her irritating.
Then it's back to Vegas for the Groups auditions with Louis and Sharon who remind me of that confused elderly couple who accidentally go on a roller coaster in the Specsavers advert.
We have some pretty bland auditions from Times Red:
Yaaaay hot guy
AKA Florence and the Unremarkable Men
Who sound a bit like when you accidentally tune in to a pirate radio station in the car
Interchangeable boybands One Direction 1:
and One Direction 2:
And Poisonous Twin:
Which one is poisonous? Turns out, it's their performance.
The only one I really like is Duke, mostly because their dubstep beat-boxing elicits the same reaction from Sharon that I get from my grandma when I try and explain what Twitter is.
Back in Dubai, the boys and one of Sauron's Ringwraiths wait to see Nicole and Ne-Yo.
James Arthur doesn't get much attention from Nicole, who's wondering whether she left the oven on:
Nathan Fagan-Gayle sings 'I don't mind':
Which is exactly how I feel about his performance
Aiden Grimshaw is back:
...and Jake Quickenden has unfortunately learned that the health of his terminally ill younger brother has deteriorated so he will be leaving the competition to go home and be with his family. Right?
Wrong! He's going to stay and sing anyway.
Next up is Rylan. Nicole voices everyone's thoughts when she asks 'What are you wearing?!' to which he nonsensically replies: "When in Dubai!"
When in Tatooine!
Ne-Yo makes some comment about pulling off an outfit which is funny because he's wearing a stupid hat.
Did no one tell him it's rude to wear a hat indoors? Or awful to wear an orange hat anywhere?
Oh great, it's time for Whiny Face Numbhands, a man I have taken a greater dislike to than Louis Walsh has to girls.
He's nervous again. Yawn. Also now he is screaming about being titanium when in reality he is probably more like tin foil. Double yawn.
I'm starting to feel like I have jetlag as we zoom back to St Lucia where Jade Ellis is having her audition and Tulisa is dressed like she's some sort of porn star. OH WAIT!
Next we have Amy who reminds us all that she's a normal girl from Essex who lives in a council house and thinks that things like this don't happen to girls like her.
Has she never seen this show? Things like this happen to girls like her like literally. Every. Series.
Then there's this girl:
...who might be called Leanne but we don't really care because the show makes it blindingly obvious she isn't going through by barely showing any of her audition.
Ditto for this one:
Then it's SPRAGGERS TIME! And she reels off the most amazing job history I've ever heard:
"I was a plumber's apprentice, I was a magician, I was a tour guide in a cave."
Of course you were.
She opts not to sing her own song and is a bit rubbish, maybe she wants to get kicked off now she's had the publicity.
Ella, on the other hand, is predictably good:
Even though her legs bend backwards.
Last but not least it's Gary and the Overs, which describes their age but not their careers (yet).
Carolynne couldn't have children because of Louis Walsh last year so this year they give her a string quartet.
Nicola Marie is worried that Gary thinks she's 'dated' and attempts to rectify that by singing 'Tragedy' by the Bee Gees.
Even if you think that song is by Steps it's still pretty behind the times.
Gary asks this guy how he is when all I'm wondering is who he is?
And why is he riding a horse? ...Does he work here? Who knows.
Then it's the turn of Sybill Trelawney :
Kye the chimney sweep who fumbles his high note:
What more can you expect from a guy with the job of an eight-year old Victorian child?
And lastly, overly emotional guy:
Being the most overly emotional person on X Factor is an achievement in itself.
In which the judges seem unable to resist doing the whole, "It's not good news... IT'S FUCKING AWESOME UNICORN RAINBOW NEWS!" + screaming ad nauseum.
The other Jade
The other Jade
Who didn't go through because of her lipliner. Probably.
and Times Red
NOOOOOOOOOO. Apart from the bit where Nicole told him to grow some balls.
Whose absolutely mental reaction was only rectified by him saying "We're gonna have a right old laugh."
Kye the chimney sweep
Just for future reference Carolynne, Gary couldn't have *literally* pulled your world apart. Unless...
You don't have to teach Divination anymore!
At least now you know you were right when you thought Gary hated you!
C'est La Vie!
Overly emotional guy
Now you may have been surprised by some of these results, dear reader. "But Amy was such a good singer and she lived in a council house!" you may have cried. "What was the point of bringing that hot guy back after his band was kicked out at bootcamp, only to get rid of them again?" you most definitely wailed. "But Aiden Grimshaw did so well last time!" you probably shouted at the TV. "I am worried that the overly emotional guy is going to be suicidal now!" you most likely sighed while waiting for Downton Abbey to come on.
Find out who they are and vote for them here.
(Just kidding, that's a link to JustGiving so you can spend your money on something more worthwhile.)
See you next week for LIVE SHOWS! (as opposed to these horrible dead ones).