Monday, 15 October 2012

X Factor Live Show #2: Lady Sybil is dead and I don't even know what the point is anymore.

It's Monday and Lady Sybil died last night and I don't know if I have the willpower to go on.

However, I made a promise to document the highs and lows of the X Factor and damn it that's what I'm going to do, no matter what personal trauma I am currently going through.

She didn't even get to name her own baby. Oh God. 

Anyway, it's scandal o'clock in X Factorville as cries of 'Fix!' and 'I don't think Louis really knows what's going on most of the time!' ring out in the studio over Carolynne's unexpected exit or Rylan's hilarious victory, however you choose to look at it. 

Now Gary is so angry, he's having trouble looking at Louis. 

"We only wear pink on Wednesdays Louis, today is a Saturday. You can't sit with us." 

The rest of us are struggling to care because, really, they were trying to make her a country star and there's too much of that as it is anyway. 

I'm sorry Taylor Swift, and I'mma let you finish, but Carolynne Poole was the best worst country singer I ever heard of.

Oh dear, what are they going to make Dermot do this week? I am pleasantly surprised that's it's just a harmless sort of golf swing before he launches into a recap of last week's show, which I would like to point out is the third recap we've been subjected to in just two minutes and 45 seconds of the show thus far. 

X Factor's core audience, apparently. 

The judges enter to Frankie Goes to Hollywood singing about two tribes going to war. I think this must be in reference to Tulisa's left and right feet because it doesn't look like she can walk in those shoes. 

No, they didn't make them walk through the flames. Yes, I was hoping they would do too. 

Dermot would like to remind us of last week's drama AGAIN although I think that, while we're watching Rylan pretend to threaten to leave, Louis has nipped backstage to watch the boy bands getting dressed. 

Dermot asks Gary if he's forgiven Louis and I'm getting ready for Gary to swing a few punches when... 

What the hell Gazza?! The first five minutes of this show have been dedicated to the same clip of you marching around the studio and slamming doors and whatnot, and now you're over it? It's almost like you don't actually give a shit about this show! 

"What sho... Oh X Factor? Yeah, no, I definitely care what happens on X Factor."

And Tulisa's feeling calm so her parole officer can just sit back, relax and enjoy the show. 

Tonight's theme is 'Love and Heartbreak' which loosely translates as 'every song ever written'. 

Kicking off the show is my favourite contestant! 

Just kidding Jahmene! I'm still sad you didn't catch fire last week. 

Just when we thought we couldn't dislike him more, we learn that Yoko Ono is a fan. 

To put this in context, here is an article from Cracked demonstrating how reliable Yoko Ono is as a source. If you can't be bothered to read it, here's a spoiler: She's not. 

In practice, Nicole tells Jahmene to sing the song to her as though she was his girlfriend even though he's never had a girlfriend. 

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Or, failing that, just existed at all.

He takes to the stage to sing Tears Dry On Their Own by Le Winehouse inexplicably featuring a bit of Ain't No Mountain High Enough probably because they sound a bit similar and Glee says mashups are cool, yes? 

Everyone is very impressed and Tulisa even thinks the girls will be lining up around the corner for him after that performance. 

Because what every women really looks for in a man is a good, strong giggle.

Cashing in on the time-old 'people will vote for people from the same city as them' X Factor technique, it's the 'Voice of Liverpool': Christopher Baloney. 

"I want you to vote for me based on the geographical location of my birthplace." 

He's singing Alone by Heart to the backdrop of a random cocktail bar. 

Isn't this bar on Canal Street in Manchester?

I personally think the whole thing's a bit of a snoozefest and the judges think the performance contains too much cheese and not enough currants or something. 

Anyway, I've just realised his 'please vote for me face' totally looks like Walter from The Muppets.

Next up, Union J meet One Direction:

Or maybe someone just puts a mirror in front of them. It's hard to tell. 

Louis wants to use the boys' performance to show that he knows more about boy bands than Gary thinks. I'm sure you know a lot of boy bands very well, Louis. 

They're singing 'Bleeding in Love' by Snoozona Snoozis with a set apparently stolen from the Blair Witch Project. 

Those dark shadows at the bottom are either stage lights or the souls of last season's forgotten boy bands waiting to drag Union J screaming into obscurity.

Nicole thinks they stripped everything back but she can't be talking about their clothes because there is nothing simple about this layered autumnal look:

Nothing simple but everything fabulous

Oh sorry Dermot, 'winter' look. 

Then it's time for my actual favourite contestant, Ella Henderson.

Ella's worried about singing a love song because she's only sixteen and has never been in love. This is bollocks because, by the time I was sixteen, I had already been in love with at least 10 men I can think of off the top of my head. 

Yeah, that's Chandler Bing right there. I happen to find humour attractive. 
I don't wish to talk about Spike. 

Apparently there's been some speculation that Ella and George are getting it on but she insists they are just 'best friends'. This is plausible because they look like they could be two best girlfriends who are girls who are friends at an all girls' school. 

George looks like a girl is what I'm saying. 

Ella is singing Loving You Is Easy by the Charlatans, all the while looking like a Chess Records album sleeve:

Or Adele, whatevs.

Oh shit, this is the second time I've thought the same thing as Louis Walsh. It must truly be the end times. 

James Arthur is just having a normal day down the pub with a pint and some pork scratchings. Except also Nicole Scherzinger is there and he's about to get a call from Mary J. Blige. 

They must have told her he was dying or something.

James asks Mary for some advice as he will be singing her song. It sounds like she replies 'Just sing the song'. Thanks Mary. 

He sings a very melodramatic version of No More Drama which I guess could be considered ironic but really just sort of stresses me out a bit. 

What has that coat ever done to you? Leave it alone.

After receiving much praise, James tries to escape without a handshake...

... but one does not simply leave Dermot O'Leary hanging.

Yoko Oh No! Lucy's had a bad week!

I will find whoever did this and I will make them suffer. 

Oh, it turns out that she's sad because her Grandma died so I'll put my earrings back on. She is awesome as usual and vows to sing something happy and upbeat anyway. 

The song turns out to be Gold Digger which is pretty good but I'm a bit disappointed it's not another one of her originals. 

District 3 are having a bit of a barney with Louis because they think his song choice of I Swear by Boyz II Men is a bit dated. 

To be fair, they're completely right but their replacement suggestions are Justin Bieber and One Direction so fuck them. 

Louis reassures them that they've made the song their own but I can't tell any difference between their rendition and the original.

Just a heads up guys; if you don't want to be thought of as cheesy, don't sing in fauxmerican accents on a revolving stage. You there on the end, you're not helping either. 

Everyone except Louis predictably says the whole thing was a bit rubbish. In addition, Nicole thinks the performance was like warm apple pie to which she would like to add tabasco and baby oil. 

Never ask for apple pie at Nicole's house.

Jade Ellis doesn't want to go back to her normal job again until she finds out that showbiz is pretty taxing too. She can't believe how hard Tulisa works after finding out that the N-Dubz 'star' has to do a 20-hour video shoot.

If you think that's bad you should see some of her other videos. 

More Winehouse again but this time it's Love Is A Losing Game and it's much better than Jahmene's attempt because, well, just about everything is better than Jahmene. 

Jahmene is a losing game. 

Dermot stops by the contestants' families to tell Kye's mum that she's a bad parent then it's time for MK1 who I'd sort of forgotten about. 

They're going to 'learn' Louis some 'urban swag'. 

I would like to 'teach' them some 'English grammar'.

Ah yes, nothing more urban swag than The Jackson 5. 

Why do all of MK1's performances look like the opening of Fresh Prince of Bel Air?

Normally, Tulisa says, she gets distracted by other things going on onstage because she has the attention span of Ooh! Gary's talking now. He doesn't like it and neither does Nicole. Louis does his brilliant shrugging and begging for votes thing that he does when he knows his act's a bit shit. 

Four bob for yer chimneys swept sir, it's Kye Sones!


He's singing Love The Way You Lie by Eminem/Rihanna with a little bit of Dido thrown in for good measure. Or bad measure because the whole thing is pretty dreadful.

To add insult to injury they've even surrounded him with a load of giant fireplaces. 

Rylan is upset about Carolynne's departure for all of five minutes until he hears that he's going to get a complete catwalk built for his performance. 

"I'm just a normal boy from Essex." If this statement ended with anything other than 'Essex' it would be false. 

Rylan actually makes me 'lol' (I hate myself) by singing Back For Good by Take That. 

Hahahaha Take THAT Gary BORElow!

Oh! He's not even singing that, that was just a joke. The hilarity. Also it turns out I didn't hear Brian the choreographer incorrectly when he said Rylan would be joined on stage by pandas. 

Have I missed something here? Don't get me wrong, pandas are cool I guess? That one that sneezes is quite funny. Oh good, more gangnam style too. That's nice.
I think I need a sit down.

Rylan and Gary engage in some homoerotic trash talk then we have Mumamie Mumson who can't believe that people actually take the time to vote on the X Factor. 

I can't believe it either Melanie but, like poverty and famine, it's just one of those awful things that happens. 

Just in case you were under any illusion that the onstage musicians on X Factor were real, please note the dancer pretending to play violin in the background:

Ah it's the John Lewis advert song!

Sung by Nicola Roberts from 2030. 

I think that's the end now. Is that the end? Yes, thank God that's the end. 


The guests that I will be skipping this week are:

Rebecca Ferguson and Taylor Swift! What? Really? I was just talking about how awful she is. Does no one listen to me ever?

This week's group performance is a drunk karaoke version of Somebody That I Used To Know by Gotye.

What an appropriate song for X Factor contestants!

As I'm desperately trying to skip through to the results, I accidentally catch a bit of Taylor Swift talking to herself on stage. She's awful isn't she.

And the acts that are safe are:



Union J







and Kye

Leaving Melanie and District 3 as the final two tributes left to fight to the death in the sing off.

District 3's weapon of choice is (Everything I Do) I Do It For You by Bryan Adams. Initially I think Melanie has them on the back foot because they sound bloody awful. Then Melanie unsheathes Stay With Me Baby by Duffy and I'm unsure because she doesn't sound all that good either. 

The judges' votes go to deadlock and it's down to Dermot to deliver the fatal thumbs down to Melanie. As Melanie's cannon sounds, District 3 leave her for dead and stroll off into the next live show, giving me at least another week to make delightful Hunger Games references. 

This week's blog is dedicated to the memory of Lady Sybil Branson (née Crawley)
And may it be carved upon her gravestone: "We sort of wish it had been Edith."

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