Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Made In Chelsea, Episode 7: The Assassination of Herby by the Coward Millie Mackintosh

Previously on Made In Chelsea:

Somebody repeatedly rubbed a balloon

Jamie's bow tie got drunk

And Francis treated us to a 360ยบ view of his head

This week's QOTD comes from Victoria Baker-Harber, part-time 'swimwear entrepreneur' (which isn't at all in any way a valid job description).

Here is Victoria's worst life experience:

"It’s strange, but I was kind of a tomboy when I was younger. When I was 16 I used to bite my nails and had a boyfriend who was six years older and told me I had “horrible hands”. 

That sort of thing sticks with you."

Truly haunting.

Also apparently she hates Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Which makes her an all-round terrible person.

Fence agrees with me, don't you fence?


Kickstarting the show, Jamie and Spencer practice for the annual Chelsea performance of The Nutcracker. 

Talking of which, some nut cracking here would do the country's gene pool a whole world of good. 

Or maybe they are just exercising, although I don't know why that would require holding hands. Is this just how posh people greet each other?

"Hello!" "How do you do?"

Nike calls Spencer to ask him to remove his jacket, as he just too much of a dick to be a valuable representative. 

Just Don't It.

While they exercise, they have a girly goss about the previous week's dinner party fiasco. Spencer asks what Jamie is going to do about Lucy.

(Quick recap: Lucy is the girl who turned Jamie down for a date, lied to him about being busy the night of the dinner party and then attended the dinner party with someone else.)

Jamie says he's going to play it cool and wait for her to phone him. 

Good luck with that, Jamie you insufferable buffoon.

In Marylebone, Bob, Francis and Bob's quiff go for a Bloody Mary.

Oops, I nearly forgot Bob's obnoxiously leather jacket.

Francis further cements himself as my favourite character by saying that Bob and Sophia ought to be boyfriend and girlfriend if they've slept together. 

Bless his little cotton traditional views on sex.

Elsewhere, Lucy and Carly are at the gym. Lucy gets to stop being called Loose-y by me when she says "Spencer is a prick and I hate him."

Yes, Lucy!

I Love Lucy.

Andy is skulking outside yet another person's house, looking like a creep. 

Fence was not happy about filming this scene, I can tell you that for nothing.

He decides to give Jamie a ring in order to ask him out on a date. After some reticence, Jamie agrees.

"Sounds weird... But I LIKE it."

Because Bob feels awkward about his love triangle with Francis and Sophia, he does the only sensible thing possible and invites Sophia and Millie to hang out with them.

Forced interaction will make this situation less awkward!

Since the girls want a chamomile tea AND a cappuccino, obviously both boys have to go to the bar to get them. 

This shit is heavy, y'know?

Quite accidentally, this gives Millie the chance to ask Sophia about her situation with Bob and Francis. 

(By the way, Sophia wears glasses too now, just so you can tell which three people are involved in the love triangle.)


Feeling threatened by the Rise of the Lamps from last week, the sun does its very best to outshine this streetlamp.

"I'll show you who's the best at LIGHT."

Binky is back from her post-Jamie holiday and invites Ollie over to her new house. Ollie is still so traumatised by the loss of his hair that he desperately tries to cover it up with a sort of nineties Backstreet Boys backwards cap scenario. 

Which is much, much worse.

Back at the bar, Bob and Francis are finally back with the drinks. To justify his accompanying Bob on an entirely one-man mission to the bar, Francis decides that his role in the drinks-buying will be to present the drinks upon their arrival at the table. 

"Ta da!"

Good job, Francis.

Just FYI, this guy in the foreground may be wearing glasses but he is not involved in the glasses love triangle. 

Get out of the way man, you're confusing everybody.

OH MY GOD, Millie's got some terrible news everyone. 

Though you couldn't tell it from her face, which has the emotional range of a spoon.

Herby has to be sent to a foster home...


Yes, apparently Millie is not allowed dogs in her building. She is devastated by this news. 

Or... bored?

Bob still feels really bad about having sex with Sophia even though Francis is in love with her, so he does the right thing and asks her out on a date right in front of him. 

Sophia says yes but not before putting her breasts on Francis' arm, just to let him know what he's missing.

"D'awwww who's a little mug then?"

Jamie meets Andy for their date but, while Andy is pouring his heart out, Jamie gets a text from Lucy. 

I am thoroughly confused. Just when I thought Lucy was awesome for hating both Spencer and Jamie, she does this:


Jamie replies saying that he'd love to go for a drink with her - as friends (meanwhile, Andy is still talking and no one's listening which is pretty great).

Back at the gym -- where she seems to have been for about two days -- Lucy reads Jamie's text and seems disappointed by the 'just friends' part. 

But I thought you hated him... Oh well, back to Loose-y it is then. 

"What is she playing at?"

I dunno, fence. 

The time has come to exterminate Herby or whatever it is Millie is doing. 

"Tell my wife I love her..."

Millie and Rosie take him for one last walk in the park. Millie is still inconsolable. 

Or... tired?

They bump into Victoria.

Who is either on her way to, or coming back from, a manicure.

Herby attempts to make a break for freedom by running under the bench and Millie mistakes this for his being scared of Victoria. 

She apologises with the quite fantastic line, "Sorry, he normally likes other dogs."

Bravo, script writer!

Victoria is not amused. 

Oh dear, she does not take insults well. We're going to have to start up a whole other charity.

She has a little rant and walks off but we don't care because no one really knows who she is anyway. 

Then it's time for Millie to go back to being distraught about the imminent loss of Herby. 

It turns out that Victoria has actually stomped all the way to Mark Francis' house. She is so skinny that, at one point, she is almost entirely concealed by a small tree. 

Spot the Victoria.

She tells Mark all her dog-related woes and he responds with enough expression to make up for a million dead-faced Millies.

He's like a really posh Jim Carrey.

Someone seems to have put something terribly ageing in the water in Chelsea as suddenly everyone is about 30 years older. 


Oh no wait, it's just The Coven Sr. - Billy, Cheska, and Ollie's mums, who have met up for a boozy lunch.

Binky's mum makes a classic posh middle-aged woman dig at Ollie's bisexuality by saying: "Oh well of course he's such a good boy isn't he, because he's so good with girls and boys."

Ollie's mum doesn't look all that impressed. 

You're never too old to have frenemies. 

In fact she clearly hates both of these women as she doesn't say a word throughout the entire conversation, choosing instead to consistently look somewhere between pissed off and just plain pissed.

She's thinking: "I should never have had kids."

All the while, the other two mums obliviously discuss their children's love lives. When it comes to Cheska's mum's turn to talk about Cheska's love life she just says 'Oh I shouldn't laugh should I!" before proceeding to do just that. 

"Hahah ohh Cheska, she's the Edith Crawley of Chelsea, she really is."

Uh, oh -- what's this? Jamie has arrived in the same bar!

The frequency with which all these people bump into each other is just astonishing. 

The Witches of Chis-wick have spotted him!

"Eye of newt, tongue of dog... and that jumper he's wearing is terrible too."

He unwisely accepts their invitation to sit down for a glass of champagne.

I'm pretty sure this is how Luke Eveshim got turned into a mouse. 

Binky's mum openly says she wants to kill him (I'm not joking) but Jamie makes his escape just as they start to remove their wigs and shoes. 

"Oh my god, they had no toes."

Elsewhere, Herby has failed to escape so Millie organises a rendezvous with the hitman. 

"I want this to be as discreet as possible. No bloodshed."

...before loading Herby into the car. 



"Just go..."


Millie says she is heartbroken. 

Orrrr... hungry?

Since the only way Mark Francis can get people to visit him is by organising 'business meetings', Sophia and Bob have arrived for one at his house.

"Maybe we could actually be frien..." "No, Mark."

Apparently Bob is starting a perfume range and wants Mark's opinion. For much of the meeting, Sophia looks exactly how I would picture myself looking if I had to listen to Mark Francis. 

i.e. On the verge of cracking up.

Spencer and Jamie meet up and Spencer reveals that he has been informed by some friends that Lucy is dating several other guys.

Jamie says he's glad Spencer told him because this way at least he doesn't look like an idiot. 

... I'm not saying anything.

They neglect to tell Andy though, so he takes Lucy out on another date. There is more horrifically awkward kissing. 

If your face looks like this as someone is leaning in to give you a kiss, something is not right. 

In a shop somewhere, Victoria calls Rosie a spineless little cow just as Rosie comes through the door. 

God Rosie, just go back to Jumanji already.

Hey, nighttime fence! You look a bit snazzy!

"These are my going out clothes."

In true Made In Chelsea style, the whole sorry episode has been leading up to a party where people can stare at each other from afar. Again. 

But this time in fancy dress!

To cope with his heartbreak, Francis attempts to drink a teapot cocktail but sort of misunderstands the whole concept. 

He also seems to think that the 1920's prohibition theme is the same thing as 'Indiana Jones' dad'. 

Both pilgrims in an unholy land.

Why is Sophia on stage?

Please don't tell me she's going to...

Yep, she's singing. 

Hang on, didn't there used to be another girl in this show that did cringey public singing performances in front of her friends?

AH! They are the SAME PERSON.

Rosie relays the awkward Victoria confrontation story to Millie. Millie is OUTRAGED. 

That's why her hair is so big, it's full of emotions.

Just on time, Victoria arrives!

Looking like someone's plunged a raven into her head.

Stevie is in the middle of giving Francis a pep talk about not giving up on Sophia but is scuppered by a drunken camera man who swings wildly to the right to reveal this:

"...on second thoughts actually, yeah, just give up on her."

Uh oh! Looks like Jamie's been going round calling Lucy a player (the exact same thing she called herself) and now she's mad! She interrupts a reconciliatory conversation he was having with Binky in order to elongate lots of words at him ("Ohmigoooood, you don't even knooow meeee, how could you saaaay thaaaat" etc)

Woah... I hope she never finds out about the whole Loose-y thing...

After the inevitable ensuing argument, everyone is left looking shellshocked as the episode draws to a close...

It's almost as though they think something actually important has happened!

Next week on Made In Chelsea:

Jamie's drunken bow tie escapes and attaches itself to Lucy's head

Bob wears the unforgivable combination of stupid earring AND orange puffer jacket

Emotions run high at what looks like it must be Herby's funeral :(

... and Francis gets tetchy when he stays up past his bed time


This post is dedicated to the memory of Herby Mackintosh. 
May he continue to destroy posh people's possessions wherever he goes.