Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Made In Chelsea, Episode 4: In which I find a number of inanimate objects more interesting than these people.

Previously on Made In Chelsea: 

A lot of people looked very distraught about problems so stupid they would piss off even Mother Teresa.

This week's Quote Of The Day comes courtesy of Jamie Laing, a boy who tries in vain to pull off a hair colour that hasn't been worn successfully since Andy Warhol and Spike from Buffy. 

And who seems to accessorise at Topshop. 

Here are some facts about Jamie: 

- Jamie is heir to the McVitie's fortune meaning he is literally the crummiest man alive. 
- His contribution to the family confectionary heritage is to create a 'sexy sweet shop' which couldn't sound any more like a pitch on Pedophile Dragon's Den if it tried. 
- Jamie claims that his special powers are: doesn't sweat, never tires and can sleep anywhere
- If he never tires, why would he need to sleep anywhere?

Here are some of Jamie's latest Tweets: 

What's the best website for sick shoes?

Everyone's vain... We wouldn't have mirrors if we weren't

The only good thing about growing up is you can eat sweets whenever you want

Off to the country to see my favourite lady... 

I'm really tired

Now, bearing all that in mind, imagine he said this to you:

If you didn't just throw up in your mouth a little bit, you are either an idiot or Jamie Laing. 

Here are the backs of some rich people's knees:

Incidentally, I believe these are the same rich people that featured in last week's episode. If you are interested in looking at the fronts of their knees, please see the 37th picture in my previous blog post

Then it's this bloody woman's feet again!

I know we're in a recession but they surely can't have run out of rich people to film already.

Binky and the Cheskimo are meeting for lunch to discuss Ollie and Crazy Eyes. 

Binky: a woman who must spend thousands on her wardrobe yet always looks like she's just got out of bed. 

Jamie tries to phone Binky.
This is how everyone reacts when they look at their phone and see 'Jamie Laing calling...'

Elsewhere, housemates Francis, Jamie and Bob go to a garden centre to shop for Feng Shui. 

So Qi-sy. 

Rosie and Andy are also shopping, but this time it's for Andy's 'winter wardrobe'. Broker Andy tries to work out how much his bill will be if he buys two £1000 shirts. 

Just kidding, he's puzzling over whether he likes posh brunette Sophia or posh brunette Louise. Since the only difference between girls on Made In Chelsea is whether they are blonde or brunette, I'm thinking he could pick either and it wouldn't make any difference whatsoever. 

Millie and Sophia go for a jog in Battersea Park.

They have so little to say, you don't even need to see their faces. 

Oh hello, fence! How have you been since last week?

"I hate Spencer."

Me too, fence, me too. 

Speaking of whom, Spencer and Louise bump into Rosie and Andy completely randomly. They make awkward small talk about a party Bob is having in the countryside. Presumably at some point someone says "Imagine if we were poor!"

He came from Greece, he had a thirst for knowledge. 

In order to set the scene for the most ridiculously fake relationship in a show of ridiculous fake relationships, Ollie and The Jaw crash Binkcheska's brunch to announce that they won't be going to Bob's party. The Jaw is having serious problems with her long-distance boyfriend and Ollie will be staying with her in London to cheer her up. 

It's pretty bad when your designated love interest is a gay guy who looks like the front cover of the worst Mills & Boon novel ever. 

With that set-up achieved, the gang tell Binky to call Jamie and tell him to fuck off.

Wouldn't it be great if everyone in the entire world did that, one after the other?

Bob's 'countryside' party is actually being held in a castle, obviously. 

I've toyed with calling this place Weak Chin-sor Castle, Fuckingham Palace or Fort Cocks. 

In their manly room, Stevie and Andy are kept apart by a pesky bedside table.

It's the only thing stopping them from pushing those two beds together and just calling it a night. 

Apparently this is something they've been doing for four years. Andy even says "Do you remember our first nap time?" I'm not making it up, I swear. 

I've finally realised who Rosie reminds me of. 

A young Alan from Jumanji!

She and Louise enjoy girly chit chat about how Spencer mentally abuses Louise by telling her that no one ever loved her until he came along. 

"Omgz, I like totes need to find a domestic abuse shelter right?"

Uh oh! Gabrollie are cosying up together in London!

You can't see it but she's also actually crying in this scene -- if this wasn't creepy enough an image for you already. 

What's up, Moon? How are things with you?

"I think I'm in love with Binky but no one seems to care."

Back at St Lames' Palace, Andy attempts the unimaginable and goes for an awkward three-way shoulder stare...

Check out all the awkward. 

...while Binky sits by herself looking sad so that Jamie will come and talk to her. 

Woe is Binky. 

Ugh he said it, he said the 'fall in love with you so easily' thing. I want to be sick. I expect Binky to throw up in his face immediately but instead THIS HAPPENS:

Did you not hear me about the 'sexy sweet shop'??

Meanwhile, an envious Moon watches and plots its revenge. 

"He'll pay. They'll all pay. Tide's coming in motherf***ers."

Spencer and Louise chat about his relationship with Sophia but get totally upstaged by a GIANT walking past in the background.

Oh heey black fish in the foreground, how's it going?

"Please let me out of this bowl. They keep eating sushi in front of me, it's like Silence of the Lambs but for fish."

The Queens and Cheska are back at their castle playing the worst drinking game ever. The rules are: you have to ask each other questions. 


Andy drags Louise away again to talk about his feelings or whatever but, before he gets the chance, they are interrupted by a potential rape caught on film. 

That's Bob chasing a naked Stevie with a cushion, just FYI. 

The next morning we are treated to wonderful news, Jamie seems to have changed his mind about Binky again. Mostly I am concentrating on the fact that he is orange with yellow hair, exactly like a Lorax. 

Except I would rather have a Lorax for a boyfriend.

There's also the added bonus that, when Binky walks off in a strop and Jamie has to call her name, he just sounds like he's calling in a cat for the night. 

"Heeeere Binky, Binky, Binky."

Hedge-man, how's it hanging?!

"I'm thinking of branching out to other reality tv shows, lol."

Someone somewhere has managed to sell Spencer an old pair of headphones and convince him it's a necklace for men. 

The PhonesLace -- On every douchebag's Christmas list. 

Yo white dog, 'sup?

"Have you seen Herbie anywhere? He's cute, grey, 'bout my height."

Louise has ripped her top to shreds trying to get out of Spencer's clutches to meet up with Rosie, Sophia, Stevie and Andy. 

"I escaped!"

She's given up drinking because Spencer has told her she's given up drinking. Rosie asks if she can tempt her to a little bev behind Spencers back, to which Louise replies with the ominous "He'd find out..."

He would find out. And he would kill you. 

Two thirds of the coven corner Jamie in the street to screech at him about who loves Binky the most. 

Hint: the answer is clearly not 'her parents' seeing as how they gave her a name like Binky.

And we close the show with Binky shaking her head at her iPhone, like it's all its fault or something. 

"Why are you looking at me like that? It's not my fault you decided to go out with biscuit boy. And please stop making me wear this pink cover, you're embarrassing me in front of all the other iPhones."

Next week on Made In Chelsea:

Spencer turns into such a sex pest that he actually grows antennae.

Some shot glasses go out on the lash.

Andy remembers he has a whole new winter wardrobe to try on.

Louise cries for whatever died to make her fur coat.

And Spencer finally reveals to the world how big his penis really is.

Et voil√°, c'est fini. Merci dieu. 


  1. I like this .. A LOT xx

  2. 'I would rather have a Lorax for a boyfriend.' I agree!!!