Friday, 16 November 2012

Made In Chelsea, Episode 5: Wherein you will learn everything you need to know about dating.

Previously on Made In Chelsea:

We all had a fun time playing Smug or Creepy:







This week's QuoteOfTheDay is bestowed upon us mere mortals by the divine being from whose loins issued forth this special little snow flake:

And, boy, mustn't she be proud!

Yes, we're talking about Binky Felstead's mum people, and she's got some words of wisdom for you so pin back your earholes and take heed. 

...Thanks Mrs Binky!

I suppose we shouldn't be surprised really. 

For those of you who were worried about the fate of Printed Dress Lady from previous episodes 3 and 4, here she is safe and sound outside this cafe (PHEW):

Unless everyone in Chelsea just owns this particular dress?

Kicking off the show, we have some lighthearted Spencer and Louise porn. 

Because nothing says romance like an entire nation watching you make out in the shower.

At one point it looks like Louise tries to escape but Spencer is one step ahead and stops her with his big bear hands. 

"All the better to domestically abuse you with, my dear!"

All the while, poor, sad, lonely Andy stands outside being lonely and sad but not actually that poor. 

Presumably, he is looking for the bathroom window to peep through, the big creep.

Then we're off to what must be one of the worst places you could ever live. 

I don't care if it's in a good location or has a balcony, it wouldn't be worth it. 

Cheska and Ollie are gloating over their recent slanging match with Jamie. Ollie reckons Jamie is a little boy who needs to grow up. 

Says the man drinking out of a heart mug who nearly cried when he got his hair cut.

Back in their porn movie, Spencer treats us to a cheeky bit of man boob.

His nipples look sad. 

He and Louise retire to the giant bed in their sickeningly palatial room, unaware that they are being spied on by a designer handbag. 

"The Daily Mail will pay millions for this exclusive! I'll have someone to carry my shit for once!"

But it all goes wrong when Louise discovers the intruder. 

"Oh no! I'm room service, I swear!"

Louise wants to know if Spencer minds her going for coffee with Andy. Spencer responds by brushing his hair in much the same menacing way that Ernst Stavro Blofeld strokes his white cat. 

"No Louise, I expect you to DIE after a long and unfulfilling marriage to me."

Someone chucks some leaves around to let us know it's Autumn now. 

Although I think the lack of self-satisfied St Tropez bastards was a hint.

Elsewhere Rosie, Millie, and Sophia go to the world's most multi-functional restaurant for some phone charging, bikini waxing, and cake. 

"Ooh apparently you can get your dog walked too, you should bring Cheska Gabriella Herbie next time."

The girls are discussing Sophia's potential romance with randy Andy. Millie has some sage dating advice:

 ♥ ❤ Millie Mackintosh's Guide to Dating  ❤ 

- Sometimes, when you're not sure if you like a gentleman or not, you can get 'The Sickness'.
- 'The Sickness' means you can no longer fancy said gentleman. 
- 'The Sickness' can sometimes be brought on if the gentleman concerned turns up to a date wearing bad shoes.  

It's what you know, ladies. 

Meanwhile, Louise and Andy use their stolen hours together to go shopping for geography books. 

Andy hands her a suspicious looking black book which he says contains his geography notes but which he also refers to as his 'magic book'. I'm pretty sure this is how all that trouble with the Chamber of Secrets started. 

Her body will lie in the Chamber forever.

For a little light relief, Francis drops into the same bookshop looking for 'The Road to Serfdom'. 

Uh oh! He's spotted Andy and Louise leaving the shop. "That's interesting," he says.

And couldn't look any less like he means it.

Back at the apartment Binky looks like she's just got out of bed again, although she actually has this time.

Or has she just been rescued from a desert island?

Cheska's dog is forced to look away as Ollie lounges indecently on the sofa. 

"Oh my god, oh my god, don't look directly at it."

Cheska has decided to throw a big girls' night out to cheer Binky up, although she says Ollie can't come because she still can't get over the fact that he's cut his hair. 

This is just like when Samson was captured by the Philistines. 

Oh my god, Spencer's hanged himself.

Oh wait, no such luck; he's just being a gym wanker. 

Jamie turns up and it looks like someone's finally given him the smack in the face that everyone wants to. He says it was from getting in a fight with a boy.

Hooray for you anonymous gentleman!


Who needs an actual name when you're the love child of Deborah Meaden and Cruella De Vil?

I cannot WAIT to hear what advice she has for the Binkster. 

 ♥ ❤ Binky's Mum's Guide to Dating ❤ 

- Starting a relationship is like getting a dog.

... k, thanks Mrs Binky!

She also assures her daughter that, while Binky is neither skinny or blonde, she is still wonderful despite it all. 

Tune in next week for 'Binky's Mum's Guide to Anorexia: Lots of booze, tiny cakes'.

Back at the gym, Jamie ponders on the fact that being in the gym sounds like having sex. 

Which I guess is true in his case, as it involved two men lying down, staring at each other and grunting.

We witness peer pressure in action as Jamie refuses to participate in a boy's night out until Spencer agrees to drink. 

He knows it's his only chance of getting Spencer into bed.

Fence! You old dog, how are things?

"Spencer's been a little spiky but we're iron-ing out our differences ;)"

In keeping with his chimpanzee laugh, it turns out Mark Francis' house is a tree. 

"Yah, we timeshare."

Spencer and Binky go out for lunch because he wants to know how things are with her and Jamie and also because it's in the script. 

Binky explains that Jamie has totally done a 160°  on her.


While Spencer assures her that she means 180°, I choose to believe that she's actually using this particular angle as a complicated metaphor for Jamie's near, but not total, abandonment of their relationship.

...probably not though.

While waiting for his date with Sophia in Battersea, Andy amuses himself by drawing on tables because he's a bit special like that. 


Sophia arrives in time to admire his handy work; a doodle befitting his expensive education and high breeding. 


Just when you thought he couldn't get any creepier, he informs Sophia that he drew this particular picture while thinking about their date and what might happen. 

Fly, you fool!

The girls' big night out is apparently starting in a sex shop where Cheska gets a little spanking in while she waits wait for Binky to arrive.

You've got to take what you can get.

Ooh, the sex shop lady has some dating advice for us too!

 ♥ ❤ The Sex Shop Lady's Guide to Dating  ❤ 


...that's... creepy but thanks, sex shop lady... that's good to know I guess...

While they get on with that, Spencer takes out his unremarkable phone to give Ollie a ring and invite him on the boys' night out.

Oops, I actually meant RIDICULOUS GOLD PHONE.

Night eventually falls and it's finally time for the big girls' night/boys' night bonanza.

The ladies get things off to a good start by recreating that Boots advert. 

Here come the overprivileged, overprivileged, overprivileged overprivileged. 

While the boys are looking a little more West Side Story. 

When you're a dick Jet you're a dick Jet all the way.

Jamie kicks their night off by yelling "WHAT HAPPENS TONIGHT, STAYS TONIGHT!"


A girl comes over to ask if she can borrow a chair for her friend. After she leaves, Stevie confides in everyone that he knows those 'two birds' and will 'go and get them'. 

Stevie: the 'lame little brother' of the gang.

Here are the 'two birds' in question, Lucy:


NO. At least she spells it the wrong way.

Stevie's banter is so horrific that Jamie is compelled to come and dismiss him. 

"Good try lil buddy, but just no."

Back in his treehouse, Mark Francis lauds praise upon nights in because he wasn't invited out. 

"I mean, I'm just so absolutely fantastically lonely."

The boy's night out enjoys the most awkward silence of all the awkward silences on this show when Andy says to Spencer: "I'm not going to bang your bird in front of you because that would be awkward. I'd rather just do it in a private room somewhere."

Bob has uncomfortable nonchalance down to a tee.

Good news everyone! Sophia didn't get 'The Sickness' on her date with Andy. 

Pictured: the only woman in the world not nauseated by Andy Jordan.

Talking of Andy, he's taken aside for a little chat with Spencer in which he admits his feelings for Louise and Spencer responds by saying that he's finding it very hard not to slap him.

Really Spencer? I can't possibly imagine how that feels.

Spencer storms out, but not before we get the chance to ask him: "How big's your penis Spencer?"

"This big!"

Thanks Spence!

The next morning, Francis and Sophia sit in a bandstand because that's what you do when you're posh and hungover. 

Francis regales Sophia with the Tale of the Boys' Night, realising half-way through that he's mentioned how Andy loves Louise in front of Sophia who is currently dating Andy. 

"Maybe if I just don't say anything for a while, she won't notice."

Francis has some dating advice to make up for it!

 ♥ ❤ Francis Boulle's Guide to Dating  ❤ 

- Don't ever waste your time. 
- Because Francis is always here for you.

Thanks Francis!

Jamie has decided to tackle his hangover with more drinking and a date with new 'bird' Lucy.

Who looks about as impressed as I'd expect any girl to look while on a date with Jamie Laing.

Andy is also out on another date with an interchangeable brunette, but this time it's Sophia, not Louise.

Or is it? It could also be Caggie. Who knows.

A stick of celery tries to get involved in the conversation but everyone ignores him. 

"Guys! Guys! Guys, Guys! GUYS! HEY GUYS!"

Back in the coven, Ollie 'can't keep his legs shut' Locke breaks the news to Binky that Jamie has been spotted on a date. 

"Here is my penis to console you."

Then it's time for Louise to go back to Hogwarts with her magic book. But not before Spencer comes to say goodbye, causing Louise to burst into tears. 

The common reaction from any woman upon catching sight of Spencer Matthews. 

It turns out she's actually angry at him for getting drunk and ignoring her on his night out. He responds by asking the perfectly logical question; "Is my phone not allowed to run out of battery?"

I think you mean "Is my RIDICULOUS GOLD PHONE not allowed to run out of battery?"

♥ Louise and Spencer's Guide to Dating ❤ 

- Your partner's phone is, in fact, allowed to run out of battery. 

 Having agreed on that, they kiss and make up in time for her to make the Hogwarts Express. 

I would really enjoy seeing Spencer walk into the wall at Platform 9 3/4. 

Next time on Made In Chelsea:

Francis and Sophia contemplate the poetry of a giant taking a shower

New girl Lucy is in her underwear for no reason

Jamie actually wears a sheepskin jacket and sovereign ring out in public

And the producers manage to find the only other woman on the planet who doesn't get 'The Sickness' when faced with Andy Jordan

Now go forth and successfully date using all you have learned here today. Happy copulating readers!

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