Monday, 5 November 2012

X Factor Live Show #5: The Spraggers is gone, long live The Spraggers

Ladies and gentlemen, Lucy Spraggan has left the building. Citing  hangovers  unbearable proximity to Tulisa  illness, Lucy believed it simply wouldn't be fair to the other contestants if she continued to get free passes like the ones she's been getting throughout the entire show due to her internet success.

Like her rubbish judges' houses performance and her drinking binges with Rylan, it seems this is Lucy's final and finally successful bid to break free from Simon Cowell. However, since she has most likely already signed a contract giving him full control over her entire future career 'anywhere in the world or the solar system' along with full ownership of her first-born, I'm guessing it's too late to escape now.

One does not simply use The X Factor for publicity.

To lighten the mood, Dermot begins the show with a friendly Hitler impression. 

Don't mention ze viewing figures!

He introduces the judges as three sparkling rockets and a banger, which could be a joke about Louis' age but most probably refers to Tulisa and how easy it is to bang 'er. 

Dermot thinks that the X Factor Twitter account has 2 million followers. That sounds like more people than actually watch the show in the first place. 

This week's theme is Number Ones. I pray in vain that everyone has to find songs about having a wee -- Pissing In The Wind by Badly Drawn Boy? -- but it just means boring old chart toppers. 

No man is a Rylan: it's Rylan Clarke!

This week Rylan says that he would like to show Nicole his roots.


Oh, he's actually taking her to Essex! She responds perfectly normally.

By screaming.

Rylan thinks Essex is the Hollywood of England. This is incorrect. 

Hollywood, Worcestershire is the Hollywood of England.

On the X Factor theme of talentless nobodies, Rylan takes Nicole off to Amy Childs' salon.

Where Pete Burns is waiting to lend a hand. 

They discuss Rylan's upcoming performance then wind things up with Nicole deciding to get Rylan's face vajazzled onto her vajayjay. 

Therefore setting the record as the first time this man's face has been anywhere near a woman's vagina since the day he was born.

He's singing Madonna's Hung Up mixed with Gimme, Gimme, Gimme by Abba.

I use 'singing' in the loosest sense of the word, naturally. 

It is rubbish. More rubbish than usual. Gary thinks it might be his last performance, thereby ensuring that it is not. 

I use 'thinks' in the loosest sense of the word, naturally. 

Fresh from the bottom two and practicing their sad faces for when one of them inevitably ODs on heroin, it's Union J!

Each one of them would be sorely missed.
Haha, I'm lying. 

We've got to that point in live shows where there's too much time to kill so the producers have to fill it by introducing us to each member of the band individually. This is a waste of time because the people watching are divided into those who don't give a shit (me) and those who are teenage girls and already know each band member's middle name and National Insurance number. 

It also gives the X Factor more chances to encourage geographically-based voting. 

Congrats Luton, you can now boast something even shittier than your airport.

Union J have dressed up as Topman farm hands to sing Love Song by Taylor Swift. 

Someone's just heard of Mumford and Sons, Louis. 

Gary says George needs to 'visually blend' more with the group because he can't think of anything else to say.

Or because he is not used to seeing boy band members holding actual instruments. 

With all the bonfires kicking off, it's his favourite weekend of the year: it's one-bob-for-yer-hearth-cleaned Kye Sones!

This week -- oh my god, I am the happiest ever -- Kye is being forced to relive his chimney sweep days by going to hang out with his brother on the job. 

Please, please, please, please make him go up a chimney.

Sadly, all we get is a lot of Kye making his brother feel like shit by talking about how rubbish it is being a chimney sweep. 

"Your life sucks. Love you bro."

After leaving that loser behind, Kye will be singing You Get What You Give by New Radicals. 

E.g. You get a complimentary fire poker if you give four guineas.

There's a lot of uncomfortable falsetto, reminiscent of someone getting their balls singed by a fire lit too early. 

Next up it's James Arthur, who has the novel thought that X Factor has changed his life. 

For example, surrounding himself with this many girls previously would have involved an unmarked van, chloroform and some heavy-duty cable ties. 

While Kye gets to watch his brother poke soot around, James is off to have a masterclass with Gwen Stefani and Tony Kanal of No Doubt. 

"Are you actually shitting me? I bet they have awesome chimneys I could have cleaned."

James is singing No Doubt's Don't Speak. The background sounds of a heartbeat and a tap dripping combined with the fact that everyone keeps going on about the darkness he has inside him kind of makes me feel like I'm about to watch someone get murdered. 


The rap he launches into also sounds awfully similar to Eminem's Stan, which doesn't help matters. 

The judges love it, especially Nicole who says 'man' a lot to show she really, really means it. 

Behold the eyelinered one: it's Adele-a Henderson!

She also gets to meet No Doubt, although she looks like she doesn't really know who they are. 
                No Doubt.                               Doubt. 

She's singing the well-themed Firework by Katy Perry. 

While being dressed ever so slightly like an eight year old at a birthday party.

Nicole launches into her normal torrent of bullshit, albeit thankfully leaving out the random food references. This time, she thought she was in a movie! She thought she saw fireworks everywhere! 

That'll be the set decoration, Nicole. 

Still dragging their tormented bodies and souls through the undergrowth of the X Factor arena: it's the tributes from District 3.

To make money in the future they'll have to do this without clothes. 

They're singing Dynamite by Taio Cruz and it is awful, from the staged entrance surrounded by 'fans'...

F.A.N. stands for Fake Actor Needed

... to the creepy lapdancers. 

Out. Rageous. 

The judges slag it off to the delightful backdrop of Louis wailing 'Nooooooooooo!'

" careeeeeeeeeeer!"

Back where he should be: it's Jahmene in Asda!

He's on the reduced aisle which must be why he is so small. 

Not content with just going to Essex, Nicole is taking another wobbly step down on the British social ladder and heading off to everyone's favourite bargain supermarket. 

"Awwww, is this what poor people do for fun??"

Jahmene is singing Beyonce's Listen, something which I have to do since I am reviewing this show. 

I wouldn't if I had the choice you know Jahmene. 

The judges are all speechless, and crying and blah, blah, blah. I still don't see what all the fuss is about. As the great Sandra Bernhard once said to Grace off of Will & Grace "If I wanted your sound in the show, I'd strangle a couple of cats."

Closing the show it's Mersey's own Muppet: Christopher Ma-lonely!

Apparently he's been struggling with negative press since Louis called him a diva. 

Because everyone needs to worry about what Daily Mail readers think.

Almost as though he heard my new nickname for him, he's singing All By Myself by Eric Carmen. 

If you didn't catch Christopher's performance on Saturday, I've included a video clip so you can see it for yourself. 

A truly moving rendition.

That's it for the fireworks weekend performances! Who had an absolutely banging time? And who is bound to fizzle out? It's time to play The Weakest Marketing Potential:


Almost as though they lost a million viewers in Saturday night's ratings, the producers seem to be attempting to step up their game. This means no crappy old X Factor contestants performing on this week's results show!

Just crappy old X Factor judges.

The frankly shambolic group song is something about having a good time by Carly Rae Jepsen.

A song that documents the exact opposite of my X Factor experience.

Oh, do let's get on with it Dermot.


Union J





District 3

Leaving Rylan to pull on his tanning gloves and Kye to unfold his extendable chimney broom as they prepare to do battle in the sing-off.

Nicole claps instead of introducing her act.

All she can think is, "Oh my God, if Rylan goes I won't ever have to go to Essex again."

Rylan's song of choice is I'm Kissing You by Des'ree otherwise known as that awful song from Romeo + Juliet.

It comes across a little more Des the plumber singing as he fixes the sink than Des'ree. 

Doing anything to avoid getting stuck up a chimney again, Kye is singing I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz. 

"Please, please don't let. Me. Lose. I don't want to go up any. More. Flues."

Gary and Nicole vote for their acts, Louis sides with Kye and Tulisa picks Rylan. Which means: DEADLOCK...

No one ever actually dies. It's so misleading.

...and it's Kye that has failed to sweep up the public votes meaning it's his turn to be brushed under the carpet like a sooty footprint on X Factor's miserable history.

Back to the workhouse with you, boy. 

See you next week!

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