Due to it being a bit anti-social and probably quite weird to lock myself away at my boyfriend's parents' house in order to write my blog, BAD TV is going on its 'ollydayz over the festive season.
Which is fine because Christmas TV is crap anyway, and not in the good BAD TV way.
I'll be back in the new year when I'm sure terrible television shows will be in abundance once more, such as Dancing on Ice (Strictly Come Dancing Met.), Got To Dance (Strictly Come Dancing Community College) and The Voice (The X Factor for ugly people).
See you in 2013!
Thursday, 13 December 2012
Previously on Made In Chelsea:
Fence poured his enviable curves into some snazzy new nightwear.
Fence poured his enviable curves into some snazzy new nightwear.
Lucy waited for customers.
And Gabriella did her best impression of Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean.
The trendy new way to hide an underbite.
This week's Made In Chelsea quote of the day comes from our old friend Spencer who demonstrates once again why he's up for The Boyfriend Of The Year Award 2012.
Oops typo! I meant Prick of the Year 2012.
I really, really hate him. If you don't really, really hate him yet, look at this:
Congratulations. You now really, really hate Spencer Matthews.
Here are some eyes on chopping boards or something.
Oh! It's a posh people's Specsavers and Bob, Francis and Jamie have come to do some shopping.
Bet you can't get a pair of frames plus glare-resistant lenses in here for £65.
They literally should have gone to Specsavers.
As normal, Jamie takes everything too far.
All those glasses and he still can't see what an idiot he is.
Bob finds this way funnier than it actually is.
Chill out, Bob.
Since they're in the perfect place to talk about their glasses love triangle, Bob brings up the glasses love triangle.
Francis says that he has realised he has feelings for Sophia, but won't stand in the way of her and Bob's relationship. He assures Bob that he is fine with the whole situation.
Pictured: Francis being fine with the whole situation.
Frankly, I find it astonishing that he manages to keep a straight face at all, seeing as how he has to conduct the entire conversation with Bob wearing these RIDICULOUS GLASSES.
Bob Mallett, son of Timmy.
Two buses pretend to crash in an attempt to introduce some excitement to the show.
Buses! I can tell you're just on opposite sides of the road... better luck next time.
While real men enjoy golf and beers, alleged 'men' Stevie and Andy enjoy fake golf.
Andy can't resist biting his lip provocatively at Stevie as he bends over.
"Hey Stevie, do you want to see the nineteenth hole?"
At this point he actually says, "I'm really stiff." I kid you not.
"Ooh, you tease."
They stop flirting long enough to talk about how Andy, despite all the rumours, will be continuing his relationship with Lucy (or as she shall henceforth be known: the facade masking Andy's true sexuality).
Did you guys know it's autumn yet?
Now you do!
Oh... sorry. This is embarrassing, I... thought you were someone else...
Cheska, Ollie and Binky stop by Richard's office. Unlike Francis' 'office', Richard's office actually has other people in it.
Although the laptops could well be made of cardboard.
It's good to see Binky is ready for some hard work.
At least, what Lucy would call 'hard work' that is.
It turns out they're there to tell Richard that they are taking him to AMSTERDAM!
Otherwise known as 'Amster-damn', when you take into consideration the fact that you have to go with these people.
Francis cancels a call from Sophia but not before showing us that he's so cool that his iPhone wallpaper is a picture of himself.
Unless this is just a scene from The Last Crusade that I don't remember.
Since it's a new moon, we catch Millie the Werewolf mid-transition.
Sophia is worried that Francis is not taking her calls. She can feel herself slowly slipping out of the glasses love triangle.
That's why her glasses have been taken off her.
These trees queue up to get into Hollister.
"We can't stay in there too long though, we need light for photosynthesis."
Fence gives the finger to everyone's favourite stupidly named restaurant.
Andy is meeting Lucy here for a date. Before he can order food though, Lucy says she wants to talk to him about 'this' and waves her hands around a bit.
You want to talk to him about... the air in front of your neck?
Oh right, she's talking about their relationship. She says she feels that it's 'like... died', before giving him a look that says "LOL fuck you and your heartbreak!"
"Yeah I'm dumping you even though you most likely paid me for my services. What you gonna do about it?"
Poor Andy looks quite taken aback by the whole situation.
"But how will I make people think I'm not gay now!?"
Lucy isn't all evil though, she finishes the conversation by saying, "Well, if you want a girlfriend I can help you find one."
It's alright Lucy, he can find your brothel by himself.
Andy goes off to meet some of the boys for squash and they all cheer each other up with some subtle flirting.
Or... not so subtle in Jamie's case.
Andy gets his Lucy-related woes off his chest and Jamie does his best to look like he's sympathising.
He's actually thinking about sweets.
Bob arrives and Spencer can't quite hide his shock at the new glasses.
Which I feel make Bob look somewhat like an inverted Where's Wally.
Spencer decides he wants to live with the boys, thus entering their house at #1 on my 'Worst Places To Live' list, knocking Josef Fritzl's basement off the top spot.
Spencer is worried that Louise is going to be angry at him for moving in with his friends.
Not really, he doesn't give a shit because he hates women.
I'm not being funny fence, but you're starting to look like you're getting a bit big for your concrete base.
I know you're a big star now, but gold??
Gabriella and Jamie 'bump into each other' because Gabriella's script says she has to tell him that she and the others are going to Amsterdam.
Jamie only goes and does an impression of her.
That's just mean, Jamie.
This anonymous man apparently can't cross the road by himself.
Back in his 'office', Francis tries to look busy by pretending to take a phone call.
"Rhubarb, rhubarb, yah yah, totally cucumber sandwiches."
Jamie comes from squash to meet him for lunch. Francis disproves of Jamie's sports attire.
"I demand some respect for my imaginary colleagues."
Jamie is annoyed because Binky is going to Amsterdam. Francis wonders whether Jamie will be able to convince Binky that's he's not an 'absolute fucking dick' (Francis <3)
"Hahaha there's nothing I can do because I am one."
In all seriousness though, Jamie would like to make things up to Binky. He decides that he wants to get her something nice. Something like... a keyring.
"A keyring! Dear boy, when I like a lady I fly her to one of my diamond mines and let her take her pick."
Instead, Francis convinces Jamie that it's a good idea to surprise Binky by flying out to Amsterdam. He assures Jamie that it's 'not psycho at all.'
"Haha dance my puppet, dance."
In Park Royal (which sounds posh but really isn't, trust me), Bob takes Sophia to a scrapyard to look for things he can use in his 'art'. He's finally ditched the stupid glasses but I don't think much of his new hat.
He asks Sophia if she's spoken to Francis and she launches into a speech about how she's lonely because she always invites Francis whenever she hears about something fun and now he's not taking her calls.
Just what every man wants to hear on a date.
The coven plus Richard have finally made it to Amsterdam. Because the producers want them to get together, Ollie and Gabriella have to go on a tandem bike -- but they can't get anywhere because Gabriella keeps stopping to read my blog on her phone.
"What does she mean, 'crazy eyes'?!"
Francis' hilarious plan has actually worked and Jamie turns up as a surprise!
One of those special kinds of surprises, like waking up with a horse's head on your pillow.
Binky looks about that happy to see him anyway.
"Please tell me that all Dutch people just look a bit like Jamie Laing."
While Cheska appears to be praying that they will all wake up from this nightmare.
"A-men. Talking of men God, if you're there, sort a sister out?"
Back in London, someone's going speed dating...
Since Cheska's in Amsterdam, it can only be...
He goes through a number of women including:
Bitchy eye-roll girl.
Don't you roll your eyes at him, he's been through a tough time recently!
Confused orange lipstick girl.
Or drunk orange lipstick girl, depending on what time this was filmed.
And leopard print lady who says she used to drink cat milk.
Isn't cat milk just... milk? Unless she's talking about the milk actually expressed from the nipples of a cat.
So she's either stupid, or weird.
Good shout, Francis.
Finally, like a veritable angel clad in plaid, Ashley arrives.
You can tell they're meant to be together because she says she likes monkeys. Francis likes monkeys too. They talk about monkeys for a bit.
Francis nearly ruins everything by asking if she likes going to exhibitions then saying, "I used to go to exhibitions with my friend Sophia..."
"Unless Sophia is a monkey, I'm not interested."
Luckily, she's nice enough to reassure him that she can go to exhibitions with him instead now and maybe they can even take their imaginary monkeys.
Francis is happy.
All she's lacking is ⚯
Success! At the end of the session, it turns out that Ashley and Francis are a match. After telling her that her eyes are like lakes, Francis asks her out on a date.
"I've seen you on that show Made In Chelsea, you are definitely rich right? Because otherwise, no."
Fence, bridge and lamp come together in one epic scene.
And then we're forced to go back to the utterly boring Carly and Lucy. Lucy has swiftly moved on from Andy and has decided that she now likes someone else. She won't say who it is but makes Carly guess, with the only clue being: he's not single!
"Haha omg babez you are a GENUINELY TERRIBLE PERSON."
It turns out that the person she now has her eye on is Spencer.
"Hee hee what am I like!"
You are like a moron is what you are like.
Talk of the stupid-haired one, and the stupid-haired one he doth appear.
Like a fat, worse, Edward from Twilight.
He's meeting Louise to tell her about his moving arrangements. She starts crying almost eerily quickly.
Don't cry Cleopatra! We can always have an asp sent over if things get really bad.
Spencer asks why she doesn't trust him, before saying the QOTW, "If I wanted to sleep with other girls, I could."
YEAH! WHY DON'T YOU TRUST HIM LOUISE!?
She tells him he sounds like a prick, which is fun.
Back on their holidays, the coven go for a night out in Amsterdam which looks a lot like a night out in Chelsea but with more enforced shot drinking.
*Shot! Shot! Shot!
*They should all be.
Ollie has some really intense dance moves and dance move faces.
Or he could just be really stoned.
In fact, he looks very drunk as he and Gabriella sit down for a conversation that consists mostly of him lolling about all over his seat and not saying a single word.
And then this happens.
So he must be really drunk.
Then it's the morning after the night before and someone's drunkenly squashed all the boats in Amsterdam.
Even fence is looking a bit crumpled and worse-for-wear.
"I'm never drinking paint-stripper again."
In the hotel's breakfast room, the gang help themselves to a continental breakfast of cheese and ham but are made to feel really guilty when Ollie comes down wearing this jumper.
Say no to ham.
Ollie has a confession everyone, he and Gabi had sex!
"Not Crazy Eyes!"
Cheska says she's glad Ollie finally got laid, even if it meant it had to be with his ex-girlfriend.
"Who I'M supposed to be best friends with! Ha ha ha ha!"
Cheska complains that life is really awkward for her now because she knows about the sex and Gabriella doesn't know that she knows.
This doesn't stop her asking Gabi how she slept, whether she had enough space in her bed, and whether she got enough sleep the minute the poor girl walks through the door, though.
Cheska's life motto: Shutting up is never an option.
Eventually Gabriella clocks that everyone knows but she doesn't seem too fussed about admitting a drunken one night stand on a television show broadcast to millions. Ditto for Ollie, although it's hard to tell if he's sober yet.
"My jumper has PIGS on it!"
In London, Louise turns up at Millie's flat looking like someone's died.
When in fact coming to terms with the knowledge that Spencer Matthews is a hateful swine is actually going to give her a whole new lease of life.
This lamp on the bottom left gets caught turning on late.
"HEY! You on the end there! You're letting the side down, wake up!"
"Shit! Sorry guys. Ohh, my parents are going to be so ashamed."
In Amsterdam, the coven go on a Supperclub cruise.
This waiter either has really long hair...
Or a very poorly designed top.
Poorly designed top it is!
Hangover set aside, fence is ready for another night out.
"I find that milk thistle works wonders, darling."
Sophie is moping around her show home with the book Francis gave her.
"Life is so hard for me in my pristine white house."
She makes a mystery call but all I can concentrate on is the fact that it looks like her phone is trying to escape through her fingers.
What the hell is that??
Back in 'dam, Jamie drags Binky away for a chat and she has to refrain from reaching over and rolling his sleeve down.
Somehow, it makes him look like he has the proportions of a dwarf.
Aha! It was BOB Sophia was calling.
She's called him round to break up with him because she has feelings for Francis.
What is it with these girls and laughing at the boys they're breaking up with??
Sophia hops in a taxi to go and declare her love for Francis.
Being Made In Chelsea, however, there's a lot of staring we have to get through first.
Unfortunately, before she can stop staring and tell him how she feels, Ashley appears at the door, ready for Francis to take her out on their date to Monkey World probably.
The world's most awkward game of peekaboo.
HEY, Made In Chelsea. Why has no one stared at anyone else from a distance yet?
And the episode is nicely rounded off with a shot of Francis accidentally groping Ashley's bum.
Francis: always monkeying around!
Next week on Made In Chelsea:
Francis and Einstein have a shared hair moment.
Jamie insists on his one rolled-up dwarf sleeve.
This disco rabbit is horrified to witness canoodling in front of the butterflies.
We have some guaranteed staring-from-a-distance action.
And Jamie tries and fails to pull off the Ikea Monkey look.
See you next tuesday!