The incorrect way to use Twitter.
The correct way to use Twitter.
I tuned in for the first episode due to the Olympic Legacy of feeling vaguely obliged to pay attention to anything British and Sporty happening on our screens. "How wonderful," I thought. "After all the other crappy, self-indulgent celebrity reality TV shows, ITV wants to use famous people to promote one of our brightest young Olympians and his impressive chosen sport."
About ten minutes later I just felt a bit uncomfortable because Vernon Kay was there and also this was happening:
I don't know what's more painful, doing this dive or watching this video.
In case you are lucky enough to be blissfully unaware of Splash!, let me fill you in on the concept: Tom Daley is topless and some celebrities fall into water. Jo Brand is there for some reason.
...Maybe by accident?
At some point, Vernon Kay and Gabby Logan urge the British public to vote and not even in the good 'Down with the Tories!' way, they actually expect you to spend money deciding which crumbling celebrity career you're enjoying the most.
"Aha!" I hear you cry, "This reeks of Comic Relief. It must be a charity program!"
Nope. Each hard-worked for penny that you spend on voting goes into the pockets of faceless TV bastards who believe you're stupid enough to enjoy watching Omid Djalili face-plant from ten metres.
Well, now that you mention it...
You see, that's where the whole thing takes a turn for the sinister. I actually would like to see Z-listers smacked in the face with 525,000 gallons of water. It's certainly better than watching them whining about paparazzi invading their privacy as they swim naked in the Celebrity Big Brother hot tub.
"I'm so angry about being treated as a sex object that I can do nought but squeeze my breasts together in anguish!"
Plus, that was only the first episode. The second episode has had a chance to improve, it can't possibly be as mind numbingly terrible as its predecessor can it?
Let's find out!
Splash - Episode Two
Up this week we have:
Who looks like that even when she's not under water.
TV gardener and probably one of the ones they should have had a clearer picture for.
Sadly not an actual eagle.
Apparently this is a Sky Sports presenter. I don't know who she is because she's a Sky Sports presenter.
The man who thought that Parmesan was a potato.
As with Strictly and Dancing On Ice, each episode begins with a professional routine. In this case we have some divers and some people who have legs for a head.
Is there anything weirder than synchronised swimming?
Also some girls dance around a bit because, hey, everyone's having sexy poolside fun here RIGHT?
I always go down to my local swimming baths and bend over. Who doesn't??
The whole show peaks roughly three minutes in when Tom Daley appears and does a handstand.
If this picture doesn't make you want to stand up and sing God Save The Queen then you're not a proper British person.
He then pops up in a little VT and explains that the whole point of the show is to prove to people that diving isn't as easy at it looks.
I don't know about you but I've always watched Olympic divers and thought, "Boy, does that look easy!"
Then there's a lot of belly flopping. A LOT.
A beautiful metaphor for this television show.
We have some words of advice from judge and Team GB diving coach Andy Banks. Jo Brand is also there still.
This only slightly makes up for her bizarre presence on the panel.
The other judge, former Olympic diver Leon Taylor has had 'SUCH A DRAMATIC WEEK' according to Gabby Logan. Apparently he's had appendicitis and he's only just got out of hospital that VERY MORNING all because he didn't want to miss the show!
Now you see, I think I'd rather have appendicitis than appear on this show.
We nip over to some cast members from The Only Way Is Essex, who talk a bit about their co-star Joey. Like a child, the gentleman in the background demonstrates what happens when TOWIE cast members lack adult supervision.
They'll put anything in their mouths if you don't keep an eye on them.
On top of shit celebs, awkward hosts, a poorly thought out concept, a money-grabbing voting system, and a panel of redundant judges, we're also treated to Terrible Noughties TV cliché #6 - Gangnam Style.
NO. THIS HAS TO STOP.
Thankfully, it doesn't go on for too long before we launch into Joey's training footage. Tom begins by introducing Joey to the diving board, which he calls his 'second home'.
After a moment of blank faced shock from Joey, Tom remembers who he is talking to and has to explain that he doesn't actually live there.
Just push him off, Tom. Push him off the ladder side.
Joey reckons he's got a good chance against the other competitors because 'the most scariest fing about diving is losing' and also because he's 'quite daredevilly'.
Off he goes!
Oh, for a Sarlacc out of nowhere.
The judges attempt to rate him seriously although their eyes are screaming "What's the point?!", especially when, after some criticism from Leon, Joey responds "Well can you do that?"
"Yes, you colossal tit, I've done it for my whole entire career."
Here are Joey's scores if anyone cares.
Joey is embarrassed by his score so he puts his hands over his eyes because he's heard that makes you invisible.
Next up is swimwear designer, Caprice. Much like Pamela Anderson on Dancing On Ice, you can tell Caprice is only here for her potential to suffer a wardrobe malfunction.
You'd think a swimwear designer would be able to design something better suited to swimming.
Caprice has had a tough time in training. She says that she didn't even realise she could feel pain in some parts of her body.
On account of all the plastic getting in the way.
And things get worse after a particularly bad bellyflop.
Her natural buoyancy aids actually won't let her go underwater.
Nevertheless, she makes a brave comeback for the main event.
In yet another highly appropriate diving outfit.
She's actually pretty good!
The professional judges all give her very positive feedback. Jo Brand just makes a joke about going to the gym.
I don't think even she knows why she's there.
Anyway, Caprice gets quite a good score.
Or maybe it's just because 8 looks like boobs sideways.
Since Diarmuid Gavin the gardener is up next, Gabby Logan makes a joke about putting a decorative frog next to the pool to make him feel at home. The joke is greeted by complete silence from the audience. It's pretty embarrassing for everyone involved.
Even the frog.
To make matters worse, after Caprice's failure to suffer a wardrobe malfunction, the producers are treated to a hairy Irish gardener getting stuck in his own robe instead.
"Ooh hang on."
"Feckin' help me will ya?"
Eventually he wriggles free and we get to watch his training montage.
Things don't start off so well.
Or get much better for that matter.
All of a sudden I'm quite looking forward to Diarmuid's live dive.
The dive he's chosen for the competition is called a 'fall'. I don't imagine it's going to be that challenging to fall off something.
Turns out, I'm right.
Leon and Andy congratulate Diarmuid on his courage and give him some pointers on his technique.
Jo makes a joke about Guinness.
Because he's IRISH, geddit??
Then the scores are in and whatever.
Just two more of these to get through then, the first of which is Charlotte Jackson. Gabby says that, in training, Charlotte kept losing her swimsuit. Proven sext pest and part-time pervert Vernon Kay responds to this news by making the noise 'Wahoo!'
Tess Daly is one lucky, lucky woman.
Uh oh, why is Charlotte bopping along like a 15-year old wannabe gangster?
It turns out that, after a particularly clumsy dive in training, she's broken her toe!
Don't worry Charlotte, it's worth it for our entertainment.
Because of the injury, she's just going to do the 'falling off the board thing' that Diarmuid did.
The judges end up giving her a good score, partly out of pity but mostly because of her tiny swimsuit.
3 points for broken toe courage and 4.5 points for flashing.
Soaring onto our screens as the final diver, it's not-so-super-skier Eddie 'The Eagle' Edwards, wearing the most distressing outfit we've had to put up with yet.
I just threw up a bit.
After excelling in training, Eddie will be performing the most HARDEST and most DANGEROUSEST dive anyone has EVER, EVER done so far this EVENING.
I have to say, I am begrudgingly impressed.
Mostly because he looks so old.
His is the fifth dive out of five tonight that Jo Brand has called 'brilliant'.
"Can I go home yet?"
Still, for once it seems like the other judges agree.
This is better than he ever did in the Olympics.
To kill some time before the grand finale, some girls fall into a pool.
After that goes on for what seems like about an hour, it's finally time to find out which contestant is going through to the final.
Yaaaa... oh my God please put your nipples away.
I bet you think that's all the diving you have to put up with!
Well, you're wrong.
Now we have to watch the next two highest scoring contestants compete for the second place in the semi-final by doing some MORE DIVING!
Luckily, I'm here to save you the agony. Diarmuid and Caprice get voted off. Joey Essex and the one off Sky Sports with the broken toe compete against each other. The judges pick her because no one likes Joey Essex.
Now, please excuse me while I go and practise swan diving out of my second floor window so that I never have to watch this sorry excuse for a TV show ever again.
Hang on, what did you just say Gabby? Dom Joly's on next week? Sweet! I'll see you there!