Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Dancing On Ice, Show 1: Strictly Come Dancing with all the added fun of a potential decapitation. And boobs.

Dancing On Ice is essentially a crappy Strictly Come Dancing in which the producers attempt to make up for the rubbish 'celebrity' contestants by putting them all on a highly slippery surface and strapping knives to their feet in the hopes of a ratings-boosting live TV decapitation.


For instance, let's take a look at this year's contestants. 

1) Former Blue Peter presenter Anthea Turner

Want an eating disorder? Here's one she made earlier.

'An' stands for 'Anthea' and 'Anorexic'. 

2) 'Household name' Keith Chegwin

Why do people think being a 'household name' is a good thing? You know what else is a 'household name'? Domestos. 

Keith is back for another round after breaking his shoulder at the beginning of last year's competition. This year we want a cranial injury or go home. 

Also, if he gets naked again I'm going to cut my eyes out with an ice skate. 

3) Samia Ghadie, 'Mother and Coronation Street sweetheart'

Next year, simply being a 'mother' will be good enough to get you on this show. 

The first of our 'that one off...' contestants, Samia is 'that one off Coronation Street'. 

She has already caused scandal in this year's show through a rumoured relationship with her dance partner Sylvain Longchampbon, causing him to split up with his girlfriend Jennifer Metcalfe ('that one off Hollyoaks') who was his dance partner on last year's show. 

So, I don't know if you can call it a relationship exactly, more a 'this man has sex with everyone he's partnered with'-ship. 

4) Gareth Thomas, Welsh rugby player

And professional Popeye lookalike. 

Joining the likes of Kyran Bracken and Ellery Hanley, Gareth will be this year's token rugby player, lending the show a meaningful character arc of 'Haha that big stupid man won't be able to skate' -> 'Ohmygod, he's not terrible at skating. Turns out, being an international sports player actually requires agility and coordination. Who knew?'

5) Joe Pasquale, voice of injured dog on insurance advert

I refuse to label this man a 'comedian'.

This time my eyes are spared but I might ram skates into my ears as squeaky-voiced Joe takes to the ice.

Former King Of The Jungle on I'm A Celebrity... (no, you're not), Joe is worried that wearing lycra is going to make him look like Desperate Dan. Fret not Joe, it's really not the lycra that's making you look desperate.

6) Beth Tweddle, British Olympic gymnast 

"YOU... are not as good as me at backflips."

I have nothing bad to say about Beth, I really don't. She's one of Britain's most successful gymnasts. Good on her. I have no problem with her whatsoever.

Except the fact that's she's already a GYMNAST is fucking cheating.

7) Oona King, Labour politician 

...and BARONESS oooooh!


I keep picturing the process leading up to Oona's participation on the show as a sort of The Thick Of It scenario with Ed Miliband yelling, "The Tories put Nadine Dorries on I'm A Celebrity... we must follow suit! Who looks good in lycra and needs some positive publicity?? SIT DOWN GORDON."

8) Shayne Ward, former X Factor winner 

And poor speller of the word 'Shane'.

He just so desperately wants the public to remember who he is. That's his goal. 

9) Matt Lapinskas, that one off EastEnders apparently

I don't watch EastEnders so I have no idea who this guy is. His pose is silly. 

10) Lauren Goodger, that one off The Only Way Is Essex

Do shut up. 

On her Dancing On Ice profile, Lauren is listed as an entrepreneur. The only way this woman is an entrepreneur is if she went to the Katie Price School of Entrepreneurship: Making a Business out of Being a Perma-tanned Prat. 

11) Luke Campbell, gold medal-winning Olympic boxer

"There's loads more Olympians going spare, stick another one in. And show off his nipples while you're at it."

And finally, the one you've all been waiting for...

12) Pamela Anderson, boobs

Word on the street is, the only reason Pamela Anderson keeps on coming back to this show is that she has to be kept on ice anyway, lest her face fall off. 

That's everyone for this year! Now let's see how they fare in the first live show... 

We begin with a little medley of annoying people hurting themselves, which is all anyone watches this for anyway. 






If it wasn't already clear from the advertising, the publicity and the credits, this opening shot of all the contestants together makes sure everyone knows that the producers are REALLY excited that Pamela Anderson is here. 


The professional skaters do a little routine to make up for how crap the rest of the evening's skating is going to be. 

Don't get used to this.

The contestants do a little trick each, as a means of introduction. Gareth Thomas does not look like he's enjoying himself as he carries his partner around the ice. 


Torvill and Dean time! Uh oh, something terrible has happened to Jane.

What the shit is going on?

That is a really impractical skating dress, Jane. 

They're probably doing this floaty thing because they're both in their fifties and can't skate anymore, right? 

Wrong! You go Torvill and Dean!

Alright Phil, you silver fox! 

Nice to see you taking some time out from printing off lists of pedophiles

What the hell is this? Where is Willoughby??

Noo! Apparently Holly has ditched her This Morning co-presenter to go on to 'bigger and better' things as the new presenter of... The Voice. So, 'other things' at any rate. 

We're left with the significantly more boobsless Christine Bleakley, whose name the announcer pronounces as 'Blakely' even though it clearly has the word 'bleak' in it. 

i.e. Thing are looking ever more BLEAK-ley for this show.

Time to meet The Ice Panel, who sound a bit like a hellish group of judges that gets to decide who makes it through fronting an Iceland campaign without developing a drug habit. 

"Not me!"

The Ice Panel:

Yes, those seem like good qualifications for being a judge. 

Yep, you probably know what you're talking about.

Sure, choreography is a very important part of the ice skating process. 


What on earth does a former Pussycat Doll know about ice skating? This is exactly like when they made Tulisa a judge on X Factor. 

We have a little chat with T&D and then it's time to get on with some skating. First up it's the Daily Mail-dubbed 'LOVE RAT' (probably) Sylvain and 'mother' Samia. 

Oh sorry, she's also an 'actress' or whatever. 

She takes us through the first day, which seems like it consisted mostly of contestants wearing hoodies with their names on because no one knows who they are. 

Luke who? You're going to have to be more specific. 

Big T&D turn up and everyone takes to the ice for yet more delicious schadenfreude. 

Plus the only time you'll ever see Keith Chegwin on top of Anthea Turner. 

Samia gets to meet her partner Sylvain and try out some lifts. She says, "It might sound really strange but when I'm in a lift with Sylvain, I love it."

I bet you do.

She does mention the speculation about her and Sylvain's relationship but strangely doesn't deny anything. 

Well if it's in the Mirror and the Sun it must be true. 

This week, she and Sylvain are skating to Diamonds by Rihanna, a routine choreographed by Sylvain to ensure maximum face-in-boobs action. 


I give it a four out of six because I like making up numbers. 

As do the judges!

Let's see what the 'expert skater' and Pussycat Doll Ashley has to say. 

Stop watching America's Next Top Model, Ashley. 

Obligatory evil judge Jason says Samia's performance was less 'diamonds' more 'cubic zirconia'. 

Good one Jason. 

Geology rocks!

We cut back to Bleaky Cauldron who takes us to the ad break accompanied by a waxwork of Shayne Ward. 

Next up, it's Keith Chegwin.

We get a little flashback to last year when Cheggers broke his shoulder after Christoper Dean laser-gunned him down on the ice. 

I assume that's what's happening here anyway. 

Everything gets a bit Embarrassing Bodies as we're forced to see the extent of Keith's bruising. 

Lovely. Thanks guys.

I actually lose count of the times he says the phrase "Broke my shoulder and cracked three ribs". We get it Keith, now get back on the ice and do more damage to yourself. 

Atta boy, give the people what they want. 

He and partner Olga will be skating to Things Can Only Get Better by particle physicist Brian Cox and some other guys. 

He does pretty well for someone who broke his shoulder and cracked three ribs last year. 

Did you know he broke his shoulder and cracked three ribs last year?

I give it three out of six. What do you think judges?

Classic pity vote. 

Well there's only one person I trust to comment on the complexities of ice skating technique. What did you think Ashley? 


Jason also calls him 'a big ice skating egg', which is fun. 

Cheaty McCheaterson Beth Tweddle is up next and I have a feeling that doing lifts and flips might be a bit easier for her than they were for Cheggers. 

Pictured: not Keith Chegwin.

The show tries to make everything more interesting by saying, "Look! She can't really ice skate, there is still a chance she might be rubbish at this!" 

Gymnast your way out of that!

...and then ruins it all by showing her doing the splits on ice. 


Beth and her partner Dan will be skating to Anything Can Happen by Ellie Goulding. 

If anything really can happen then there's a possibility that Cheggars will do this Tweddle Tip at least once and I'll be happy for life. 

I give it a TWENTY-TWELVE out of ten because OLYMPICS BRITAIN YEAH!!!!!


Explain yourself, American!

...right. Thanks, Ashley.

In their post-skate-chat, Beth's partner Dan says that Beth has the "...bendiest legs I've ever, ever come across in any lady I've ever met."

Hahahaha. Filthy. 

Next up is Matt Lapinskas and his pro partner Brianne Delcourt. 

aka Jersey Shore Ken and Jägerbomb Barbie. 

Looks like Samia's not the only one to face relationship rumours, as Matt has admitted that his girlfriend (some other one off Eastenders) is jealous of pro-skater Brianne. 

If that is the case, I'm pretty sure a tabloid exclusive saying your skating partner has 'great boobs' is pretty much the worst thing you can do.

Matt begins his routine wearing a trilby and standing on some giant speakers so you know it's going to be hip and relevant and current. 

On the other hand, he's skating to Turn Up The Music by Chris Brown so he's just as likely to begin his routine by punching Brianne in the face. 

As it is, he just puts his own face between her legs a lot. 

Good luck explaining that last one to your girlfriend. 

I give it a PG rating for mild sexual content. 

What did you think of his inside-out aeroplane spin Ashley?

Okay... are you feeling okay Ashley?

...I'll take that as a 'no'.

Matt says that, as long as he did his nan proud, he's happy. 

Oh shut up.

Since there's so many desperate celebrities desperate to get their desperate faces on our TV screens, there isn't enough time for all of them to skate this weekend so we get a little introduction to the six who will debut in next weekend's show. 

Lauren Goodger


Luke Campbell

"So I don't know why my agent's put me on this crappy show."

Oona King

Oona doesn't pay much attention to her electorate. 

Gareth Thomas

I might have been wrong about this one...

Joe Pasquale

Yet he never really has, has he?

Anthea Turner

Like when you advertised Cadbury at your OWN WEDDING?

After that pointless sojourn, we're back to the studio where it's 'pop star' Shayne Ward's turn to hit the ice. 


He and partner Maria skate to Too Close by the Internet Explorer 9 advert. 

I give it one out of ten for unflattering leather trousers. 

Too Close to revealing genitals. 

It looks like the judges aren't all that forgiving of leather either. 

In your vast ice skating experience, how did that go Ashley?


Then it's the big moment we've all been waiting for, the time when Pamela Anderson stuffs her boobs into ice skates and glides gracefully on to our screens!

Well, sort of anyway. 

In fact, we learn that Pamela is such a mega superstar that she can't even be bothered to come to the UK for training, forcing poor Christopher Dean to endure the hardship of hopping into a crummy convertible and flooring it to rubbish old California. 


At the last minute, she finally deigns to come to England for rehearsals and looks radiant as she steps off the plane. 

Haha, not really!

Say no to plastic surgery kids!

Oh, fabulous. She's skating to my favourite song. Read All About It by... Emeli Sandé AGAIN. 

Get out of my life Sandé!

I give it a six out of ten for boobs. 

The judges also vote depending on how much they like boobs. 

Ashley, you're blonde and American so I'm expecting some solidarity here, what did you make of it?

Haha, patronising bitch.

After all that it's time for the two couples with the lowest votes to enter the SKATE OFF, after which the losers will be mercifully beheaded with their own ice skates or whatever happens at the end of this show.

I'm a little perplexed by this since only half the contestants have skated but the producers are obviously following the X Factor Bootcamp rule of, 'fuck it.' 

Also, if you thought the relentless recapping died with the X Factor, you were wrong as we are now treated to a solid five minutes of it. 

I have to skip that, skip the judges repeating what they already said earlier, skip the obligatory competition and skip the ironically icy Bleakley trying to act like a real human being before anything interesting actually happens.

If you're not going to spontaneously turn into Holly Willoughby, you could at least get on with the bloody results. 


Shayne and Maria

Beth and Dan

Matt and Brianne

And finally... Samia and muscles! 

Leaving Pamela and Cheggers to battle it out in the skate off, where they'll have to perform a brand new routine. 

First up, Keith and Olga skate to O Fortuna, which is pretty hilarious. 

Keith doesn't do much besides getting the world's most dramatic blow job. 

Then Pam and Matt are up, skating to a breathy acoustic harp girl singer advert version of Sacrifice by Elton John. 

Pamela plays the boobs card once again. 

"Here they are."

Oh no, she's fallen over! 

Then she flashes her whole boobs!

Then one of her boobs comes out!

Then she grabs one of her boobs!

And it turns out that that's altogether too much boob for the judges, who opt to send her packing back to California where that sort of thing is tolerated. 

We don't appreciate that type of behaviour in jolly old Blighty, dear. Best be off with you and your unruly boobs.

And congrats to Cheggars who goes on to potentially appear naked on an ice rink near you. 


See you next week!

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