Tuesday, 28 May 2013

Made In Chelsea: Season 5 Episode 8 - In which Louise DOES NOT CRY. I REPEAT: LOUISE. DOES NOT. CRY.

Before we begin, I must hand out this week's award for the Most Dedicated #Fencewatch Fan:

This person.

Congratulations @aimee_creighton!

If you want to win next week's award, remember to keep me updated on Twitter (@Carli_H) with all your favourite #fencewatch action as it happens and, this time, you could be in with a chance of winning this 'I loved BAD TV before Francis Boulle said it was cool' badge!

The must-have accessory for Spring/Summer 2013.

Anyway, on with the show!

Previously on Made In Chelsea

- Traffic came into focus

Yep, that's traffic all right.

- LucyBot practised 'happiness'

Nearly there!

- And Louise cried. Again. Obviously. 

This week's QOTD comes from our great robot Overlady herself. 

What she really means is: "I'll be back."

At just 57 seconds in, the show tries to make fencebush happen again. 

Fence needs no accompaniment. 

Then we're off to Chiswick where Jamie and Spencer are playing Golf. 

 Which stands for Gauche Odious Lamentable Fuckers. 

After taking a shot, Spencer winces and says "Ooh, irritatingly good."

Just 'irritating' would have sufficed, Spanner.

Lucy's bum has arrived at a bedding shop!

Good work cameraman. Not pervy at all. 

It is joined by Andy and Stevie. Andy apparently just loves bedding. 


Lucy, on the other hand, is not so sure. 

"Why. Must. You. Wrap. Yourselves. When. Re. Charging.?."

Apparently Stevie and Lucy are moving in together?? 

Surely this can only lead to some sort of 'bumbling cop meets robot partner' spin-off.

They talk about last week's barn dance and Andy expresses some concern about Mental Louise's uncontrollable Spencer-triggered rage.

Lucy reckons that, the more angry Louise gets about Spencer, the more she makes it clear to Andy that she still cares about her ex.

I think this is rather astute for a robot with limited understanding of the human condition.

Lucy also tells the boys that she has terminated ended her 'fling' with He Who Shall Not Be Named.

We cut briefly back to the golfing bastard, who reckons that Stevie fancies his new housemate Lucy and that they'll probably get drunk and hook up.

I don't think it's Lucy everyone needs to be worried about.

Andy has to go and meet Louise. "Send my love." says Lucy. 

Although her face says, "Send my death murder eyes."

This week's drinks porn kicks off with some cloudy pink salmon juice. 

Or whatever the hell this is. 

Binky and Louise meet up to discuss the barn dance as well. Louise says that she doesn't hate any one in the world except that actually she hates Lucy.

She also reckons that, because he has had what he wants from Lucy yet gets to sleep with other girls, Spencer is 'winning'.

Is this not exactly what he was doing when he was with Louise, the tiny soggy hypocrite?

Also Louise, that is not 'winning'. 


While Louise discusses Spencer, Spencer discusses Louise back at the golf club. Because everyone is still so over each other. 

He relays the tale of their encounter to Jamie and everyone has a good old laugh when Jamie says, "She cried again??"

I know, Jamie! We should start shipping her off to drought-stricken countries.

Jamie asks if, deep down, Spencer still has feelings for Louise. Spencer swears that, in all honesty, he just feels sorry for Andy.

I think this might be the one and only time in my entire existence that I ever so slightly agree with Spencer Matthews.


It looks like Andy might be feeling a bit sorry for himself too. As he meets Binky and Louise, Binky says she is just shooting off. "WHAT?!" says Andy. "Can't you stay for a little bit??"


Still, the idiot only makes things worse for himself by bringing up Louise's barn dance encounter with Spencer.  "Why did you get so upset by him?" he asks. 

I'm all set for the floodgates to open but this time Louise seems to have replaced 'weeping' with 'being a bitch' instead. 

She also loves saying 'quite frankly'.

"My talk with Spencer was your fault, quite frankly. Tell your friends to shut the fuck up, quite frankly. I think you're being really silly, quite frankly." she says.

I preferred weepy Weezy to bitchy Weezy. Quite frankly.

After that awkward encounter, poor fence is looking a bit worse for wear. 

Stress makes its paint flake off.

As he walks home, Andy receives a call from Spencer and needs his old buddy fence for moral support. 

And actual support, apparently.

Spencer is asking Andy out on a date, which seems unwise in their current situation. Andy says 'yes' anyway, the little harlot. 

Dogs in Chelsea are so posh they only have two legs. 

This is why Millie murdered poor, inferior four-legged Herby.

Binky is being a friend-whore and has raced off from her drinks with Louise to meet Louise's arch-enemy Lucy.

While they have their hair fiddled around with, Lucy tells Binky that she's finished with Spencer until he's over his little slut phase.

If he gets over his 'little slut' phase, surely he won't want you anymore Lu...

Uh... never mind!

Elsewhere, I throw up in my mouth a little bit after being treated to this view of Jamie and Spencer.


Spencer tells Jamie about his date with Andy and Jamie throws a fit over no longer being Spencer's One True Love any more.


I start to reconsider my Fence Fan of the Week award once I find out that Louise is such a supporter...

...that even her windows have fences. 

She and Andy are whitewashing her walls; an appropriate metaphor for their relationship of glossed-over awkwardness. 

Andy tells Louise about his Spencer date and Louise couldn't look any more jealous if she tried.

"Can I come?? I promise I'll only cry once."

Elsewhere we're treated to the arrival of the two-headed beast that is Mark Francis and Victoria.

Much like Spencer in last week's episode, their monstrous appearance immediately turns this innocent fence into stone. 

It's almost too much for my eyes to take when Mark Francis, Victoria and Spencer and Jamie's legs are forced into one horrifying frame. 

"Oh heavens." says Mark Francis. 
"THIS MUST BE HELL." says everyone else.

Bet you didn't think it could get worse than that did you? Well it can and it will as Mark Francis treats us to a glimpse of his knee-high socks.

Out of context, this could easily be the leg of an elderly lady.

Apparently Mark and Victoria have simply stopped by for a bit of horrifically awkward banter about how Victoria and Spencer kissed once.

Victoria also comments on the boys' thighs. Apparently she and Mark think that the perfect male qualities are good thighs, chest hair and a brain.

"I HAVE NEITHER!" says Jamie cheerfully, even though Victoria listed three things.

Back at Louise's, Rosie has arrived! "Hi guys!" she says. "I just let myself in!"

"And by that I mean I was just waiting around the corner until the director said 'action'."

She's stopped by to ask if Louise and Andy are going to Lucy and Stevie's housewarming party. Andy says he thinks they should all go and then ducks out to go and meet Spencer before Louise can cry at him. 

Rosie convinces Louise that it would be good for her to go to Lucy's party to show Lucy that she's not intimidated by her. Rosie reckons that, if worse comes to worst and Lucy kicks Louise out, Louise can always prove she's the winner by taking Andy and Rosie with her.

Because, DAMN IT, no party is a party without these two!

"Yeah everyone can leave the party!" says Louise, getting a bit carried away. "I'll be like 'who wants to have some real fun!?'"

Yep, nothing more fun than Louise and her capacious tear ducts.

Sun fence!


This bridge is 'avin' a game of 'Daytime/Nighttime'.



We're back with Marktoria who are discussing their earlier encounter with Spencer and Jamie.

This rapidly becomes the most disturbing scene in the entire series as Victoria seems to claim that Spencer forced himself on her when they were younger.

Mark is not at all sympathetic. "HOW unacceptable!" he crows, delightedly.

This is not at all an appropriate reaction to a friend potentially opening up about being sexually abused.

After advising Victoria to lock her encounter away in a 'black box' in her head and forget about it, Mark adds insult to injury by asking Victoria if she would ever go back to her attacker. 

When she pitifully cries that she never went there willingly in the first place, Mark rolls his eyes and says "I know, I know".

"Hahahaha I know darling I know, he 'forced' himself on you, whatever."

Then they laugh and drink champagne and the cameraman backs away very slowly, most likely feeling very ashamed of himself. 

"...Should... should we have filmed that, guys?"

"Hey everyone!" say the producers desperately, "Have a look at lots of shiny glasses to distract you from the fact that Victoria just basically admitted to being taken advantage of by Spencer!"

"Aren't they pretty!? Please don't sue us!"

Now that we know the extent of Spencer's predatory nature, his date with Andy seems a whole lot darker. 

Be careful Andy! Dirty Martini means one that's been spiked with rohypnol! 

Luckily there's no foul play and the boys agree to let bygones be bygones, even sharing a little joke about Louise.

"I feel like you've inherited a problem of mine!" says Spencer.

"Haha, yeah! Thanks for your shit!" laughs Andy.

"Hahaha it's so nice how we can be misogynistic arseholes together now!"





In his sweatshop, Bob promises a mystery caller that he will make sure those t-shirts get there as soon as possible. 

I'm sure I'm not the only person who suspects that there is no one on the phone whatsoever. 

Not one to let Bob hog all the limelight, now Jamie is pretending he's got an office as well!

Although, true to form, his office is made of girls' legs and sweets. 

He too pretends to be on the phone as Phoebe and the Giant Headband arrive with pastries. 

Jamie tells the Phoebe underneath that headband that he is the CEO of his company but gets a bit stuck when trying to remember what CEO stands for.

"Clever... educated... onomatopoeia!" he says.

How about... Catastrophically Egocentric Oaf?

We also learn that Bob's sweatshop is directly above Jamie's office. This seems to me less like a coincidence, more like Bob installed a crèche under his sweatshop so that Jamie wouldn't be left at home unsupervised while Bob and Francis are at work. 

"He comes down from the big boy office sometimes to make sure I've not eaten too many sweets."

Jamie steers the conversation around to finding out whether or not Phoebe is single. She says she is, and has been since her last boyfriend cheated on her, turning her into a 'bit of a hard bitch'.

That's why she dresses like a flamboyant Rambo these days.

Uh oh, Bob's on sweet-checking duty.

"JAMIE! That jar was full when I came down ten minutes ago!"

Bob comes in and sits down. "I was just saying that..." says Jamie but no one is listening. Instead Phoebe ignores him completely and asks Bob how he is. 

They enjoy stilted small talk but, after Bob breaking up with her last week, the tension between them is too much for Phoebe and she decides to leave.

"Bye." says Bob.

"GAAHBRagahbahgar!" says Jamie, who has eaten too many sweets.




In her new home, LucyBot doesn't understand the human concept of unpacking.

Merely flinging things everywhere as she sees fit.

Stevie comes bearing a large lampshade but LucyBot is not pleased. "I don't like it... I... I don't like it." she says repeatedly, uncertain of the correct response in such circumstances. 

That's it LucyBot. When in doubt, opt for your awkward smile-shrug.

Stevie wants to Rock, Paper, Scissors for the biggest bedroom. "If I lose, I still get the bigger room, right?" says LucyBot, who does not understand Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Stevie unwisely insists on playing for the room. 

"One, two, three..." he says.

"One, two, three... WOLVERINE BLADES!"

With Stevie nicely out of the way, Lucy is free to get ready for a night out with Binky. 

Since Francis has apparently managed to convince the whole of Chelsea that it's acceptable for grown adults to skateboard everywhere, Louise and Andy are skateboarding everywhere. 

Neatly whizzing past fence #9.

They stop at a random point in the middle of the street to discuss Lucy and Stevie's housewarming party. Apparently Stevie is so OCD that the housewarming party is going to be in a pub. 

Andy wonders if Louise can be civil with Lucy. Louise says she can because she's, like, even more over it than the last time she was over it. Also, obviously, she's so, so happy.


All things resolved, they skate off.

As fence #10 watches them in disdain.

Fence #11 is also there.

Albeit looking slightly blurry.

Spencer, Bob and Jamie have gone out for drinks. Since Spencer is so over Louise, he spends the whole night talking about Louise. 

Whilst drinking from a cup apparently modelled on his head.

Elsewhere on their night out, Binky and Lucy amuse themselves by reading out texts they've sent to other people. 

In particular, Lucy is reading one she sent to Andy about her party. She says she hopes he won't bring Louise but, if he decides they can't be apart then Louise can come... as long as he tells her to 'keep control of 'The Crazy'.

"Ohmigod don't mention The Crazy. That's going to make The Crazy so much worse!"

While they chat, two nondescript males in white t-shirts enter the bar. As much as that sounds like the opening of a Crimewatch segment, the girls look pretty excited, especially when suspect #1 decides to walk past their table and to the bar.

Binky orders Lucy to go to the bar straight away, quickly pulling her dress down a bit. 

Before immediately realising that that would be counterproductive and hiking it back up again.

LucyBot stalks over to the bar and says 'Hey'.

"Hey." says generic male love interest.

Hey generic male love interest.

Back on the boys' night out, Lucy's flirting is nicely juxtaposed with Spencer talking about how much he likes Lucy. 

"She makes me cool." he gushes.

That'll be her built-in fan.

Then we're back to Lucy who really needs to sort out her flirting banter. "I'm so single it's disgusting!" she says.

Good work Lucy. 'Disgusting' is really what you want him to associate you with.

Luckily, generic love interest doesn't seem to mind, although this might be because he is preoccupied with the fact that he totally has lego hair.

You can see where it joins onto his head!

Could his clearly fake head mean that LucyBot has found herself a Robot Boy?

She invites him to the housewarming/end-of-episode party so I guess we'll find out.

Then it's the housewarming/end-of-episode-party!

We finally get to see Lucy's creator.

They use the word 'dad' to make her seem less threatening.

Andy the Tin Soldier arrives with his army wife. Lucy comes over to say 'hello' except, instead of 'hello' she says "Oh. You decided you couldn't be apart then."

Lucy! Don't trigger 'The Crazy'!

Sadly, the girls decide to be civil to each other so we get bored and head back inside where lots of indistinguishable blondes are air-kissing.

Spot the difference.
Clue: there isn't one.

Some guy called Joe or something is also there. He tells Phoebe he heard her and Bob broke up. When she admits this is true, Jonah does this face:

James looks very smug considering no one knows who he is.

Outside, Binky has dressed up for the occasion.

'Dad's old gardening coat' is pretty dressed up for Binky.

Binky and Rosie think that it's very good of Louise to turn up at the party. Louise says she couldn't possibly not support Stevie, especially as he's Andy's best friend.

Yes Louise, it is very big of you to support him through this difficult housewarming party time.

She then talks some more about just how bloody outrageously ecstatically happy she is at the moment.

Can't you tell?

Inside, LucyBot and Spanner have another one of their awkward 'romantic' chats. 

The source of all Louise's 'Crazy'.

Attempting to have a normal conversation with LucyBot is too much even for the eternally cheesy Spanner, who has to retire in defeat when LucyBot says: "I'm an all or nothing kinda girl... so I guess it's... nothing..."

"You out-cheesed me!"

Lego Head love interest arrives just in time.

Hey Lego Head love interest.

He's come dressed as a Top Gear lego man this time. 

Considering Andy's tin soldier outfit, I'm beginning to wonder whether there was some fictional army-based costume dress code memo that I missed.

Spencer finds watching LucyBot and her RobotBoy so upsetting...

...that it triggers his IBS and he has to go home.

The Frans gather outside because one of them has some BIG NEWS!

Lego Head BoyBot is actually... PHOEBE'S EX.

London is such a big place! Why must you all go out with your neighbours!

As Lego Head BoyBot and Lucy talk, feather-clad Phoebe descends on them like a giant, angry crow.

Much to the confusion of LucyBot who cannot work out what this new human-bird hybrid is.

PhoeBird is really on a rampage. When LegoHead asks her how things are going, she says "Oh good, just at this housewarming. Which is quite boring."

LucyBot can hold her own though, countering with 'Who invited you by the way?"

"I don't remember seeing you in the script, is all."

Another Fran turns up to defend her avian friend. After asking if Lucy and LegoHead are on a date, this Fran says, "Ohh, sloppy seconds again?" before cackling with her PhoeBird. 

Frans of a feather bitch together.

Sadly that's the end of the Frans' clever lines, as they then seemingly can't think of anything to say in response to Lucy asking them to leave. 

"...you leave."

After Lucy asks them to leave for a second and third time, Phoebe eventually caws "Fuck off!" and the Frans take flight. 

After walking off his bout of indigestion, Spencer arrives at the boys' house.

Note that fence #12 has had to have its spikes removed in case Jamie gets loose and impales himself by accident.

Spencer is having a bad day. "I've just come from Lucy's... pub-warming thing." he says, somewhat hilariously.

He tells Jamie about Lucy's date. "Was he beaut?" asks Jamie. "He was all right looking, yeah." replies Spencer.

"Fuck!" says Jamie.


We head back to the tin soldier in the pub garden.

Who looks a little bit like he's about to propose. 

Andy tells Louise that he is falling in love with her despite all evidence being to the contrary. 

"Oh shit, no wait, I didn't mean to say that. I actually meant that I think you need psychiatric help."

And then, groooossssssssss.

Why always with the close-ups??

Back at the boys', Jamie has a helpful analogy for Spencer re: Lucy.

"She's the biggest game player there is." he says. "She's basically got like Snakes and Ladders in her hand and she's playing it, like, you're literally like the car in Monopoly and she's driving you around."

It slowly dawns on everyone watching that, probably due to Jamie's somewhat 'special' mental state, no one in his childhood had the heart to tell him a Monopoly car has no place on a Snakes and Ladders board.

Luckily, Spencer is too self-absorbed to notice, merely continuing to talk about how much he cares about Lucy.

"Obviously you care." says Jamie. "She's winning."

That's not winning, Jamie... 


Next week on Made In Chelsea

- The boys get the S/S '13 'Monochrome' trend memo

But some interpret it better than others.

- Lucy discovers robot porn and wonders what the hell she's been wasting her time on Spencer for

(I wouldn't recommend Googling 'Robot Porn' to see if it's a thing).

- Big Ben is bored of Phoebe's bitchiness

"Here we go again *eye roll*"

- And LucyBot's cover looks like it's well and truly blown when a bit of her face falls off

Revealing her metallic eye sockets underneath.

Then the episode draws to a close.

Did anyone notice what a momentous occasion this is? These 47 minutes and 33 seconds mark the longest consecutive time in all of history that Louise Thompson has gone without crying!

Congratulations Louise! It must be because you are so unbelievably happy now. 

To celebrate, let's all look at this montage of how unbelievably happy Louise has been this episode:

...Oh well, at least she isn't crying anymore.

See you next week!