Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Made In Chelsea: Season 5 Episode 5 - Fences and Frans and feathers, oh my.

This week, Bad TV Twitter HQ received a very special treat. Notoriously reclusive and untalkative on set, Made In Chelsea's most famous and respected character has been papped out in the wild by @Jeanniestach:

Sadly, the only person around to narrate the video was a nearby Clanger.

Anyhow let's get this over and done with, shall we?

Previously on Made In Chelsea

In classic Chelsea style, the residents of the borough had to outdo everyone else by building the world's biggest maypole

Always showing off.

Jamie lost it and nearly punched Lucy

Before quickly remembering that her metal casing would only bruise his weak child hands.

Spencer finally saw his ridiculous quiff in the mirror

"Haha! Is that what I've looked like this whole time??"

And Louise didn't cry for a whole five minutes in a row!


This week's quote comes from the LucyBot, who is treating us to a special insight into her programming command line: 

"Instructions. Received."

The sun rises over a street sign and then we're off to see Rosie and Millie, who have gone to a salon to have their hair done and their shoes filmed. 


No one tell Rosie but I'm pretty sure something is nesting in her head.

She has a pedigree mouse infestation.

Louise may be exactly 24 minutes late according to Millie but fence is right on time, making an appearance just one minute and six seconds into the show. 

"I'm never late on set because I don't waste time having sex with Spencer of a morning."

Talking of whom, Spencer meets Jamie, Jamie's pattern-clashing t-shirt and the George Michael painting for a chat.

A veritable menagerie of awful.

Jamie has just got another tattoo apparently, but he has to explain it before you see it. Like a joke that needs its punchline explained, I'm fairly sure this means the tattoo will be shit. 

Aww, it turns out the tattoo is a little Peter Pan!

A little, adorable, blood-oozing Peter Pan.

Spencer mentions that he was going to get Louise's initials tattooed on him at one point. He's pretty glad he didn't now.  

"Because that woman I shagged in Louise's bed might have asked what they stood for!"

He still maintains that he and Louise are sleeping together. The cinematographer gets a bit flashy with a clever cut to Millie shouting 'WHAT?!' in reaction to this same news being relayed by Rosie back in the salon. 

Chill out cinematographer. No matter how quickly you cut to Millie, you'll never catch her showing real emotions again. 

Knuckledusterhead stands up for Louise, saying that the latter was completely adamant she hadn't further defiled herself by laying with the beast after they split up. 

Knuckledusterhead sounds like a character from Silent Hill.
 Except in this case it's probably more like Silent Primrose Hill. 

Also did she just call Louise 'Weeze'?? 

Rich as Fuck.

Millie says she'll be so disappointed if it's true. Which means her face will look like this:

Oops, sorry, no, hang on, I've accidentally pasted her 'Incandescent Rage' face.

Back at the boys' house, Spencer and Jamie continue to whine about their 99 problems of which bitches are all of them. 

What's this? Spencer has something to disclose to Jamie, and it looks like it's something Jamie isn't going to like. 

"Mate, I'm sorry to say this, but it's your yellow hair. It's like, literally, the worst."

Oh no, that's not it. It actually appears that Spencer has been texting Lucy! 

"WATSON!?" barks Jamie, like a special needs Sherlock Holmes. 

"She hasn't done anything wrong to me!" defends Spencer. 

"WATSON." dribbles Jamie Holmes.

Spencer asks if his going out with Lucy will bother Jamie, causing Jamie to open LucyBot's case file and reel off her past convictions/reasons why he hates her. 

Most of which can be summarised as, "She wouldn't sleep with me!"

Spencer wants to clarify whether or not, if he and Lucy start dating, they would be invited to movie night. This is obviously more important than clarifying if said dating would hurt your best friend's feelings. 

"She'll never be invited here." says Sherlock Laing.

"Nor here!" - Fence

The producers take it upon themselves to show us some expensive bags and shoes. 

"HAHAHA! You will never own these things, PEASANT!"

Some Frans are shopping for a Fran birthday.

Olivia? I think you mean Fran.

That's better. 

Woah! A Phoebe appears out of nowhere. 

She just took off her invisibility cloak from Episode 3.

The Frans discuss Frandy. Fran is embarrassed about kissing Andy on their first date, which makes for a refreshing change from Lucy who usually sleeps with a man while he's on a first date with someone else. 

There's another Fran romance on the cards, too! This time it's between the 'Olivia' Fran and FRANcis. That is just too many Frans for me to handle so we'll head outside via some artfully shot flowers. 

An absolutely necessary inclusion to the show. 

Ah shit, looks like Frans aren't that easy to escape as we happen upon Fran-cis ambling down the street...


...and bumping right back into the Frans again. 

"Greetings fellow Frans!"

The girls think it would be nice to have a reunion for everyone who was in Verbier. In this case 'everyone' means 'everyone that isn't Lucy and Binky'.

The date is set and the fondue will shortly be bubbling at the boys' house. All that's left is for Fran to decide which she likes best, cheese or Andy. 

Cheese is obviously the correct answer. 

Even cheese with a mouse inside is better than Andy Jordan.

'Fence or cheese', on the other hand, is a much harder call. 

Here is the infected one himself!

Is he looking more or less infected? It's hard to tell.

Inexplicably, he is meeting LucyBot at the very same restaurant in which she dumped him in the last series. 

They proceed to have a surprisingly civilised lunch, even after Andy tells Lucy about the Verbier-reunion party to which she is not invited and even after he suggests that she's mad for wanting to go out with Spencer. 

Lucy very nearly reveals that she is merely following the instructions that have been programmed into her but saves herself at the last minute with an awkward laugh instead. 

"Shit. That. Was. A. Close. One."

After a quick detour to make sure fence is still there...


...We join Mark Francis and Victoria (who apparently doesn't require a surname) at 'Flower School'. 

Contrary to my initial guess, this is not where you learn to be a flower.

This lady flower teacher (or whatever the hell she is) pulls the same face I think I would make when confronted with Mark Francis and Victoria One-Name. 

This face.

"There's nothing more depressing than going to a dinner party where there are no flowers." opines Mark Francis. 

Hey, Mark?

...Fuck you.

They start talking about weddings and Mark says the sentence "Unless you have a family tiara, you don't wear one."

This is just too much for the sun, who flings himself towards Earth in a suicidal bid to rid the world of this intolerable bastard. 

"Deaaaath toooo Maaaaark Fraaaanciiiiis!"

Elsewhere the Verbier reunion is in full swing, somewhat resembling a house party in the Gryffindor common room. 


 Francis Potter lights candles with his wand.

One of the Frans talks to her evil alter-ego in a magic mirror. 

And Andy 'Neville Longbottom' Jordan attempts to rid himself of infection with a well-placed spell.

Ever the life and soul of the party, Malfoy turns up to whine some more about Tara and his terrible tattoo.

"I've been branded with the Dark Mark, man..."

We cut to the uninvited Binky and Lucy who have decided to go out dancing.

Apparently, posh people dancing consists entirely of pointing up in the air.

The girls stumble over to the bar to order some drinks and bitch about Jamie, Tara and not being invited to the Verbier party. 

"Literally I'm bored of it. I'm literally bored of it." says Lucy of the Jamie situation, as she spends her night talking solely about the Jamie situation. 

At said party, Phoebe is regretting choosing to wear her Slytherin Spider brooch instead of her invisibility cloak as she gets stuck talking to Jamie about Lucygate.

Either that or she's too drunk to remember any of the Unforgivable Curses. 

Back at the bar Binky and Lucy play 'Snog, Marry, Avoid'. Binky names Spencer, Jamie and Andy.

LucyBot nearly crashes as she tries to process a way she can answer 'Avoid' to all three. 

As it is, she decides to kill Jamie. Which wasn't even an option but is understandable nonetheless. 

"Hahaha KILL EVERYONE! Hahahaha."

What are the chances! Spencer and quiff-protégé Josh have arrived at the very same bar!

Even though they were clearly on their way to meet the rest of the T-Birds at the diner.

Spencer makes everyone do shots as he knows that the only way people can stand to be around him is if they are drunk.

At the Verbier party, the Frans make the mistake of mentioning Francis' old flame Ashley. 

Hell hath no fury.

Since he's now in a bad mood, Francis decides to fuck up everyone else's evening by congratulating Andy on the fact that Louise is now single. 

Causing Olivia to turn into an outraged ventriloquist's dummy. 

Then Francis grabs his woman and casually strolls away from the awkwardness like a movie hero walks out of the explosion he's just caused.

"Yippee-ki-yay motherfuckers!"

Back in the club, Spencer Zuko is floored by LucyBot's lack of a 'polite' function.

"We got off to a bit of a bad start." he says. 

"Yeah, I literally hated you." smiles LucyBot. 

"What. Is. This. 'Rude'. Of. Which. Everyone. Speaks?"

Taking his cue from her bluntness, Spencer asks Lucy if she used to fancy him. She admits that there were qualities in him that she found attractive. 

"I appreciate your conniving nature, bitchiness, compulsive lying and promiscuity."

"And I yours."

Fence break!


It's the day after the horrifically boring night before and Olivia -- Francis' current love interest -- is working as a make-up artist to Ashley -- Francis' old love interest. 

"Pay no heed to me smashing this bronzer blush into your face. It's just a makeup artist technique." 

Ashley mentions that she and Francis don't really get on anymore so Olivia invites her to Fran's burlesque birthday, which she will be attending with Francis.

"Oh you don't get on with Francis? Awesome. In that case, why don't you come and watch us on a date."

Once that brilliantly awkward situation is all set up, we find out that Ashley is still going on about Ollie being bisexual. 

She's worried that she can't give him everything he needs.

Like a penis.

Olivia doesn't really respond beyond an uncertain nod because who the hell talks about this stuff to someone they just met??

"Uhh... sorry about the whole not having a penis thing?"

Luckily, Ollie is able to fulfil his tackle needs elsewhere. 

He and Binky are shopping for supplies as he is going fishing with his dad and Oscar. Binky asks how the whole Oscar/Ashley situation is panning out. 

Binky clearly doesn't like Ashley that much, as she goes on to inform Ollie that he is no longer attracted to his own girlfriend. 

"I am!" says Ollie.

"No you're not." states Binky.

"Well I suppose there is that thing about how she doesn't have a penis..."

Elsewhere, Andy and whoever this Josh person is meet at a ping pong bar where no one listens to their conversation because they are too distracted by the extras being terrible at ping pong. 

You're supposed to use the bat, not your hand!

One of the Frans might turn up at some point but her arrival is eclipsed by multi-layered fence.


Then we're off to a place where someone called Tom lives, which apparently consists entirely of a kitchen.

Where does Tom sleep and wash?

There's no sign of Tom though, just Binky and Louise. 

And the remains of the last Abominable Snowman.

Binky tells Louise about Spencer and Lucy's plans to go on a date. Everyone watching plays a mental game of 'How Long Until Louise Starts Crying?'

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

...wait for it...


Those of you who guessed one minute and four seconds, congratulations, you win a phial of Louise's tears.

I struggle to feel sympathy for her as she says she's upset because part of her will always love Spencer. 

I guess it's the same part of her that enjoys draping herself with animal corpses.

Spencer himself has gone to visit Bob in his weird white room, which has miraculously filled with people. 

What do they all do in there?!

I finally gain some insight into Bob's mysterious sweat shop; apparently he makes 'notes' about 'kicks'. 

Oh who am I kidding, I'm still none the wiser.

I feel a faint twinge of pride for Bob as he lectures Spencer for not leaving Louise alone. 

If only there was some sort of joke I could make about his name and my being 'proud' of him. 

Then we're back to Binky and Louise who have gone to a bookshop to stand and talk. Surely they could have just continued to do this at the cafe.

Maybe Binky brought Louise here in case they needed extra paper around to soak up all her tears.
It's not like Binky knows what else you use books for.

You can tell the episode is coming to a close because suddenly it's nighttime and someone is having a birthday party that everyone can attend and fight at. 

In this case, it's Fran's birthday at Proud Cabaret City (No Binky, it's not an actual city). 

Since she still hasn't got over their earlier conversation, Louise tries to cry at Binky again. 

This time, Binky's got it covered. 

Alcohol is also clearly doing nothing to abate Louise's bloodlust, as she claims she wouldn't mind investing in some of those 'feather things'.

No Louise, this has to stop! SAVE THE ANIMALS!

Jamie has come to the party alone because, as he tells Bob and Phoebe, Tara needs to learn to trust him. 

Bob and Phoebe look sceptical. And also like a really good couple. 

Although I might only want this to happen so that I can call them PhoeBob.

To my delight, PhoeBob might actually be a thing, although it's beyond me how they manage to keep flirting with Jamie trying to get all the attention back on him by deep-throating his cocktail. 

"Why are they not paying attention to me...?"


 "It would be nice to hang out alone." says Phoebe, pointedly.

While this is going on, we're also supposed to care that Phoebe's old love interest Josh is looking on miserably.

Guys, stop trying to make Josh happen.

At a different booth, Ollie and Oscar are catching up on Ollie's floundering relationship with Ashley.

The cabaret music, opulent surroundings and Oscar's general pallor makes it look an awful lot like Ollie has stumbled into a vampire's lair, and a homoerotically charged vampire's lair at that (also known as 'Twilight style').

"I want to suck your... blood..."

The party isn't the only thing going down tonight, as we're shown Lucy beginning her big date with Spencer. 


Then we're back to the cabaret where Andy joins Binky and Louise, only for Binky to pretend she's going on stage in order to give Andy and Louise some alone time. 

Andy brings up the fact that he isn't allowed to talk to Louise according to Spencer. "I don't like being told what to do." says Louise.

"Except by everyone, ever."

Uh oh, Fran doesn't look too happy to see the pair talking. 

It's her party and she'll cry if she wants to. 
Except she won't because she's not Louise.

Spencer and Lucy's date is as painful and awkward as one might expect from two sociopaths. 

Spencer, in particular, is on top nonsensical form. "I'll tell most people most things." he says sagely, followed shortly by "I feel like I've been darkened with time."

Shut up Spencer.

Back at Fran's no-longer-happy birthday, Ashley braves the vampire den to try to rescue her man. 

If Buffy was the vampire slayer, Ashley makes vampires gayer. 

Oscar forces Ollie to admit to Ashley that he's struggling with their sex life. The whole problem is beautifully illustrated by this woman's sudden breasts. 

You see Ashley, he wishes you didn't have these.

His evil deed for the day done, Oscar slopes off to feed on the souls of nearby revellers, leaving Ashley and Ollie to have yet another boring relationship talk. It seems that the entirety of their romance has been one long boring relationship talk.

Split up! Split up, split up, just split up, oh my God split up already. 

"I feel humiliated that you talked about our sex life." says Ashley.

"To Oscar?" asks Ollie. 

Yes Ollie, or maybe, you know, on national TV.

Split uuuuuup.

Over on their table, Louise is making her moves on Andy.

For once this involves neither crying nor fur. I find this surprising as I thought those were the only two things she could do.

Louise does have one concern though, is Andy dating anyone?

Andy begrudgingly admits to his brief romance with Fran.

Louise doesn't want to go any further with Andy because she doesn't want anyone to think she's a bitch, even though this is the face she pulls when she hears that the girl Andy is dating is the same girl whose birthday party she's at.

"Haha! Happy Birthday FRAN!"

Andy reassures her that his relationship with Fran is going nowhere, just as the birthday girl herself comes over to join them.

Since every Made In Chelsea script calls for the most awkward thing possible to be said at the most awkward possible time, Louise blurts out "You guys have been dating a bit!"

"WTF Louise, don't make me come over there and infect you."

Fran asks what's been going on with Louise and Louise says she split up with her boyfriend.

"Guys can be arseholes." says Fran, looking at Andy.

Arseholes and nostrils, Fran, arseholes and nostrils.

Back on her date with Spencer, Lucy forgets that she's supposed to pretend to use her 'eyes' to locate objects, and smoothly grabs her champagne glass without even looking. 

Come on Lucy, it's like the breathing thing, you have to pretend to do it or the humans will be on to you. 

Luckily Spencer is unperturbed, having no soul himself, and asks if he can take her on another date. In fact, he wants to take her to his favourite restaurant and he's had to buy tickets for it. 

Lucy scans the tickets with her eye lasers. They're tickets to PARIS!

"Paris. Capital of France. Region: Île-de-France. Mayor: Bertrand Delanoë. Population: 2,234,105., Land Area: 40.7 sq mi.  Timezone: CET. 
Yes. Paris. Will. Be. Acceptable. To. Me."

Lucy worries about running out of battery but agrees to go to Paris when Spencer promises they'll be back by bedtime.

Then we're treated to one last glimpse of the cabaret where lady bums and boobs are interspersed with people staring at each other instead of staring at the lady bums and boobs like they should be. 

Although actually this makes a lot of sense in Ollie's case. 

And that's your bloody lot. 

Next week on Made In Chelsea

Francis and Bob turn into the same person

Distinguishable only by the presence of Francis' giant sandwich.

Bob tries to copy Josh's quiff but forgets to apply enough hairspray, causing the whole sorry mess to flop sideways. 



Fence has to get a vaccination as it comes into unexpected contact with Andy.

"Ahh! Get him off me! Get him off me! Get him off me!"



À la semaine prochaine!


  1. This blog is the highlight of my week. Amazing.

  2. 'What the fuck Louise, don't make me come over there and infect you' hahaha SO GOOD!