Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Made In Chelsea: Season 5 Episode 6 - In which BAFTA must stand for Bloody Awful Fucking Telly Awards

You've probably already heard that, on Sunday night, no one's favourite AristoPrats only went and won themselves a bloody BAFTA.

And it wasn't even an award for awkward silences. Or staring. 
Or best fence coverage.

In fact the award was for 'Best Reality and Constructed Factual', whatever the hell that means. Made in Chelsea is about as 'factual' as my pet tiger. 

In fairness to The Boarding School Brigade, it's not entirely surprising that they won considering what they were up against:

The Audience

Franchised schizophrenia. 

The Young Apprentice

Alan Sugar teaches kids how to make the nation wish incurable diseases upon them before they've even turned 18. 

...and I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!

The show in which everyone involved has been secretly wishing for a ratings-boosting celebrity death since its inception. 

In consideration of this, I vote we petition the Academy to change the name of the Reality and Constructed Factual award to THE BAD TV AWARD! Which I am, of course, happy to present.

You're all winners in my book!
My book of soul-numbingly shit television programmes!

Talking of soul-numbing, let's take a look at Episode 6!

Previously on Made In Chelsea

- Louise cried so much that she had to check she hadn't cried her eyebrows off.

"Still there! Room for some more tears!"

- Spencer got so angry he began to turn into his version of the Incredible Hulk from the neck veins upwards. 

The Incredible Sulk.

- And one of the Frans idly wondered who the hell this guy was.

"I know it's something beginning with J... 
Is it Jake? ...John? Is he Jake Johnson?
...Jack Johnson?
...Joshua Jackson?"

This week's quote of the day comes from Stevie! The most irrelevant character since they tried to replace fence with this curved bush in Season 4 Episode 4.

Nice try bush.

Anyway, either Stevie has stolen a child or he is imagining a utopian future in which he will somehow get close enough to a woman to impregnate her.

I'd worry about finding a woman to have a daughter with first, Stevester.

Someone has taken all of the fences in Chelsea and turned them into a big tower!

Eiffence Tower.

Yep, we're in Paris for Spencer and Lucy's never-ending date.

"It's nice to hang out away from everyone." says Lucy.

Hey, Lucy! If that's how you feel, I'd like to draw your attention to the fact that Mars One are looking for people to take part in a one-way trip to Mars.

...Just sayin', guys.

Those of you who were on #fencewatch didn't have long to wait.

One minute and thirty seconds to be precise.

After enduring a close-up brie-sectomy...

This is the nightmare cheese has when it's eaten too much cheese.

...we're greeted with the beautiful vision of twins TweedleFran and TweedleBob.

Only one of these people is wearing their shirt unbuttoned an acceptable amount.

Jamie obviously did not get the house uniform memo.

"Guys! I thought this week was 'eye-damaging brocade' week!"

Jamie has just got wind of the fact that the robot and her Spanner have gone to Paris.

"He obviously wants to speak French in front of her." says Francis.

"Why does he have to be in Paris to speak French in front of her...?" ponders Jamie.

The Tweedle's faces say it all.

It's not just Lucy who gets to hear Spanner's French, we're forced to endure it as we cut back to Paris to join the pair for déjeuner (that's 'lunch', innit Spanner).

For some reason, I find Spencer talking French even more shudderingly creepy than Spencer talking English.

The waitress clearly feels the same as she visibly grimaces as she walks away.

"Mon dieu, je crois que je viens vomi dans ma bouche."

Sadly for Spanner, LucyBot already has Google Translate installed on her hard drive so his language skills are not all that impressive. 

"Pretty good at French then?" she shrugs. 

"Yeah, if you need a translator, I'm right here!" slimes Spanner. 

"ព្យាយាមបកប្រែនេះអ្នក, dick"

Just in case Lucy was having too nice a time, Spencer assures her that, while a trip to Paris might be seen as a romantic gesture, this really is just lunch. He asks if Lucy knows what he means. 

"Ha. Ha. ...yeah..." says LucyBot.

"Why. Are. Humans. So. Hard. To. Understand.?."

Back at the boys' house, Jamie is still having a strop about Spencer and Lucy but Francis knows how to shut him up, immediately throwing emergency JamieTreats into his vicinity.

You can't see it but his tail is wagging ten to the dozen.

Majestic Golden Fence is back!

All hail Majestic Golden Fence!

Elsewhere, Stevie and Andy meet for close-up limes in fizzy water. 


They're talking about the FranParty. Andy tells Stevie that Louise asked him out then goes on to describe 'the most awkward thing ever'. 

"Fran came over..." he says solemnly.

Really, Andy?? The girl you were dating, whose very birthday party you were at, came over to talk to you?? How astonishing.

Fran needn't worry though because Andy has already decided that their relationship isn't going anywhere anyway. For various reasons. 

"No. 1 reason: all of the sex with Louise."

It's not Fran he needs to worry about though, according to Stevie Wonder, there's a bigger elephant in the room. 

It's a Spencerphant.

"You're going to have to buckle up..." says Stevie Nicks.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." says Andy, "Would you mind fucking off now, I need to dump Fran and the producers couldn't find another location today."

"Yes sir mister bossman sir!"

Holy shit!

This person has six legs!

Hey serfs! 

How's that recession going for you?

Louise, Binky and Rosie are going shopping for more jewels despite the fact that Louise is already wearing the contents of the Tower of London around her neck.

If someone took a hit out on your life, it would probably cost less than this necklace.

Turns out I was right about Rosie's omniscience as she and Binky put an end to all the jewel-based fun by saying 'We do know you've been shagging Spencer."

Well you could knock me down with a feather. 

Who's ready for round two of 'How Long Until Louise Cries?'?

Lump in throat forming...

Sympathetic nervous system responding...

Lacrimal system firing up...

Lacrimal punctum draining...


A record-breaking time of just 19 seconds! Well done to everyone who guessed it correctly, you win this collage of Louise crying. 


Anyhow it looks like the unthinkable has happened and Spencer was telling the truth after all, as Louise admits that they have been sleeping together most evenings. 

The girls try to comfort her by telling her it's not that bad although their faces scream 'YOU IDIOT!'

Actually Rosie's face looks more like it's saying: 'TANGFASTICS!'

 Back in Paris, LucyBot has yet to fully understand seduction.

No, LucyBot... You're doing it wrong.

As all people do on a first date, the lovebirds discuss everything they hate about each other.

"If I could change anything about you it would be your general attitude." sighs Spencer, romantically.

"I hated you!" says Lucy, flirtatiously.

"It takes a while to get you to lighten up. You're quite hard work." he continues, dreamily. 

After that they don't seem to have much else to say to each other so Spencer spends the rest of the scene making this face. 

Personally, I prefer him as an elephant.

Uh oh! Andy's lured Fran into his underground cavern to get dumped!

Although, judging by the decor, this could also be Louise's house.

Fran arrives with not a tear in sight and I'm left wondering who would dump her for the permanently soggy Louise. 

Come on Andy! Look how dry her face is! 

She tells Andy that he suddenly looks really shady but I happen to think the 'suddenly' is unnecessary as Andy always looks like he's up to something. 

What is he hiding in those nostrils?

He deals the killing blow and tells Fran he doesn't want her to be his girlfriend.

 Instead of dissolving into sobs, Fran looks more like she might just kill him. 

Then she does it! She actually kills him. 

Kidding! He's just resting his nostrils.

Back at the Jewel Shop, Louise is still crying. She has also found out about Lucy et Spencer à Paris. 

Binky tries to cheer her up by mentioning Andy but Louise is determined to be miserable. She says she feels weird because she normally wouldn't move on this quickly. 

If I was there, I'd probably point out that it doesn't count as moving on if you're still having ex-sex but, understandably, Rosie and Binky don't fancy drowning today so they keep shtum.

"Oh my God, the water's already lapping at my ankles, just keep smiling Binks."

You know how Made In Chelsea loves fences and lamps? 

Well Paris has fences MADE OF LAMPS!

In fact, Paris loves its fences so much...

It keeps them padlocked in case Chelsea comes a-knockin'.

Spencer and Lucy have a cringe-inducing moment of forced romance by the river that is almost as painful to watch as the last time Spencer had a conversation with a girl by a river. 

They kiss and LucyBot is pleased that Spencer is fooled by her lip prosthetics.

"Foolish human!"

Then we're straight back to London for some camouflaged fence action. 

Oh great...


Oh my god, he's summoned Victoria to his Bond-villain office to discuss shooting Binky!

Run, Binky, RUN!

For some reason, the show thinks it's okay to cut to the Frans at a time like this. 

What do you want Frans?? We need to save Binky!

Someone called Josh has something to show someone so he's going to go somewhere, apparently.

Oh my gosh, someone has to get to Bink... ooh, shoes!


Bob and Jamie are shoe-shopping and discussing some track day they will be participating in. Jamie talks about how he'll be able to drive even though he doesn't have a provisional license, hopefully promising literal car-crash TV.

Bob is also worried that someone called 'Josh' (?) might be pissed off because Bob fired him and is also dating the girl he's in love with.   

Personally, I think they should be more worried that Bob's hand has turned into a shoe.

He'll never be able to drive with that.

Back at the cafe, this is Josh supposedly and he has arrived.


Then he leaves.


Elsewhere someone chucks some limes in a glass. 

I took the liberty of assuming you would want to see this.

Francis and Louise are in attendance at this lime-tossing event. They take their seats just in time for Andy to phone Louise and tell her he's just bumped into fence. 

"Guess who I'm with!"

Andy wants to take Louise bowling, because bowling is totally as good as a trip to Paris right?


Louise says she thinks Andy is good looking. 

I know, Francis, I don't get it either.

Meanwhile Binky and Lucy meet for what looks like a horrible medical accident. 

"That tumour's so big it's become a three-mer!"

They discuss Paris but then Binky gets a phone call... "That's weird," she says. "I don't know this number..."

No! Binky! WAIT!

Nooooooo! Binky he wants to shoot you!

"My thought was to have you in a photo shoot." says Mark. 

Ooooohhhhhh. Okay, panic over.

The next five minutes hold a conversation that can only be described as Four Candles for the modern era. 

"I want you surrounded by Palladian architecture." says Mark.

"What?" says Binky.

Mark: "Never mind darling. Anyway, you'll be covered in Graff."

Binky: "Grass?"

Mark: "Graff. Or Cartier, it doesn't matter."

Binky: "As in, the grass outside?"

Mark: "NO, NO, NO! GRAFF, Laurence Graff. Graff on Bond Street. Graff on Sloane Street. Graff in Miami."

Binky: "I genuinely have no idea what you're talking about."

Mark: "Darling I must dash."

Binky: "Okay perfect, I'm excited!"

What are you excited for Binky!? You haven't got a fucking clue what he's on about!

Luckily, someone else is ready for their close-up. 

Work it baby.

On their bowling date, Andy strikes out.

Hopefully not for the last time tonight. 

I know she hasn't dated in a while but Louise's love-banter is atrocious.

"I'm good at most things." she boasts before saying, "You quite like slutty girls don't you, like Lucy Watson."

Then she calls him 'nostrils'. 

It's so bad in fact that, in the end, Andy gets bored, takes what's his and leaves. 

Good to see you haven't just picked another man who will treat you like a possession, Louise!

Then they have a really gross kiss (I'll spare you that) before getting a cab back to Andy's place. Naughty!

Louise has even already taken her giant necklace off in preparation for some nostril lovin'.

The following day, the boys are doing some car stuff. I'm assuming this is shown in the hopes of pleasing Made In Chelsea's male audience as I can think of nothing more boring than watching Spencer, Bob and Jamie driving around in circles. 

This blue cone is even so overcome with apathy that it chucks itself into the path of the speeding vehicle.

The subtitle writer gets things all kinds of fucked up.

By forgetting to name Jamie, getting Bob's name wrong and inventing some character called Josh.

Hahaha Jamie doesn't have a license so he has to drive this other car or something! 

I don't really understand why this is funny because I don't know anything about cars. All I know is the other one was silver and this one is blue.

Elsewhere it's time for Mark and Binky's photo shoot. "You might have to be patient with her," Mark snidely remarks to the photographer, "She hasn't done this before."

I don't think Mark's done his research as a quick Google Images search for Binky Felstead reveals that all the girl seems to do is have photos taken of herself.

Still, Mark feels it necessary to give her a lot of direction.

"I want you to be a woman who's lived." he says cryptically.

"Alive! Yeah! I can do that!"

"A woman who is full of life, full of passion, full of vitality!"

"Woooo! Passion! Being alive! Vitali-thingy!"

"But also at the same time, maybe sad..."


"Do you see what I mean?" finishes Mark.

"No." says Binky. 

Back at the track, some random guy has sat down with Bob and Jamie.

Who is he? Where did they find him?

Oh, he's the one who is pissed off about PhoeBob. He continues to be pissed off about PhoeBob, even going so far as to accuse Bob of being 'snaky'. 

This looks like a really fun conversation to be part of. How fun is this conversation to be part of, Jamie?

Yeah, I thought so.

After being DIY'd by Handy Andy, Lil' Weezy goes to see Binky on her shoot. 

"Did you see his willy?" asks the ever-subtle Binky. 

"No!" says Louise. We all know what that means. 


Binky asks if either Louise or Andy have told Spencer. Louise says she hasn't but she hopes he won't overreact. Binky says she's sure he won't. 


After their driving day, the boys head to a bar and Bob invites Francis so he and Spencer can make up.

Mein Gott! Spencer actually apologises. 

"Well I'm not having this."

"It's all in the past." says Francis, "Like your relationship with Louise."


Talk moves on to said Weezy. The boys ask if Spencer would be annoyed if she moved on.

He says that if she moves on 'too close to home', he'll be livid. 

Obviously Lucy Watson is not too close to home because robots don't live anywhere so she doesn't count, okay?

Oh, what fun! Look who's arrived.

This has 'Francis' written all over it.

Francis puts on his best sympathetic face to reveal the news of Andy and Louise's date to Spencer. 

Francis' best sympathetic face is not a very good sympathetic face.

The boys explode in outraged discussion while poor Andy and Stevie stand mere metres away.

"There's a weird vibe in here tonight." says Andy.

"I don't like it..." says Stevie. 

"Like, why are all these people filming us? 
I mean, I didn't want to say anything but it's been happening for a while."

Before Stevie can solve the mystery of the camera crew, Spencer decides to charge at Andy.


"You're just thinking with your dick!" says Spencer. 

"And that's only okay when I do it."

Uh oh, it looks like he's struggling to keep control over The Incredible Sulk...

"Don't... make me... whiny... you don't.. want to see me... when I'm... WHINY!"

"Don't be surprised if me and Louise keep hooking up." threatens Spencer.

"Times change." says Andy.

"I don't think they're changing now." says Spencer. 

"WELL SHE SPENT LAST NIGHT WITH ME!" says Andy triumphantly.


To deal with the pressure of this latest encounter, these champagnes treat themselves to a long bath.

"That was fucking stressful, man."
"I know, dude. Nothing like a relaxing bath to deal with it though."
"Preaching to the choir, brother."

Aha! It looks like the end-of-the-episode party! 

I want to knock this over in protest against lazy episode structuring. 

For what seems like forever we cut between two really boring conversations: Jamie and Stevie arguing about Spencer and Andy and Mark and Victoria talking about wine and boobs glasses. 

Uhh... No.

Stevie leaves Jamie to warn Lucy and Spencer that Andy and Louise will be coming to the party soon.

Stevie needs to get a life. 

Get a life, Stevie!

Someone's played that classic boarding school prank on Phoebe and dipped her hair into their ink pot. 

That's still a thing they do in boarding school right? My only frame of reference is Enid Blyton.

They're talking about someone called Jeff or something. 

I don't knoow, there's too many people in this show.

Phoebe's going to go and talk to this James guy because she simply can't stand it any longer. I'm not sure what it is she can't stand exactly. Maybe it's her own ridiculously posh accent.

Oh, she's talking to this guy!

Jonathan! ...?

Phoebe begins by saying she's just been speaking to 'Proudlock'? This is ridiculous, now they're definitely just making people up. 

Jason is pissed off because Bob didn't ask his permission before making PhoeBob a thing. This is apparently bad because Bob knew about 'us'.

"There's been no 'us' for ages." says Phoebe.

There's been no WHO for ages!? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE??

"Go fuck yourself, fucking idiot." says Jacob, storming off.

It also sounds uncomfortably like Jeremy might be crying at this point.

Phoebe doesn't seem too fazed by this encounter. 

"Who the hell was that? He was weird."

Anyway, no one cares about Jerry anymore because Andy and Louise have arrived.

This elicits much the same reaction as when high-falutin' furriners walk into a Wild West saloon.

Louise and Andy whine about how this party is really awkward, which begs the question, 'Why did you come to this party?'

Andy goes to the bar and encounters Fran who makes a really great 'Why are you talking to me?' face at him.

It's either that or her 'DIE, ANDY, DIE!' face.

Since that's obviously not awkward enough, Louise calls Lucy over for a chat.

LucyBot automatically resets to 'confrontation' mode. 

Although LucyBot's 'confrontation' mode really just consists of several bitchy faces.

Louise goes on and on about how she's so happy with Andy but upset about Spencer but happy to be away from Spencer but sad about Spencer but happy with Andy etc. etc. ad nauseum.

Eventually, Lucy is forced to cut in and ask whether Louise is attempting to warn her or call her a bitch and, either way, would she just get on with it. I hate to say it but she has a point.

Louise seems a little stumped by this so declares that she is 'done' and walks off.

"Am. I. Supposed. To. Care.?."

And, following Louise's example, this episode is done too.

Next week on Made In Chelsea

- LucyBot tries to learn a new facial expression by copying Stevie.

"So. This. Is. 'Dopey. Surprised. Face.'?."

- Rosie stifles a yawn as she listens to Louise continuing to 'not care' about Spencer and Lucy.

"I dunno Weeze, I think I preferred it when you just cried all the time."

- Ashley comes to terms with the fact that she'll never be able to give Ollie what he wants.

"I've tried really hard but I just don't understand how to grow a penis."

- And Louise finally loses it, attacking Spencer, shaving off all of his hair and turning it a coat.

"I'm going to keep his tiny penis in this jar."

That's it folks! That is literally all it takes to win a BAFTA these days.

Sorry Olivia.

See you next week!