Monday, 23 September 2013

X Factor Weekend 4: The LAST Room Auditions -- In which some people are good at singing and others are not. Also some people are old.

It's the last weekend of auditions BAD TVips! Though I once said there was nothing better than the general public humiliating themselves on national television, after this year's tedious new format and nearly a month of this...


...I must say I'm relieved this whole kerfuffle is coming to an end and that we'll soon get to see some proper dream crushing when half this lot get kicked out at bootcamp.

Sadly, it's not quite over yet so we'll brave one more set of room auditions in the name of I currently don't have anything else to do.

Today we're kicking things off in LONDON BABY!

Ah the beautiful shit-coloured waters of home.

Turns out, even capital-dwellers have to line up like cattle to be seen.

I thought this was just for those factory workers and miners up north.

First up we have Duplex, who claim their name came about because they are a mirror image of one another.

This works if maybe the mirror is actually a window with a blonde girl on one side and a brunette girl on the other.

Still, they're wearing bow-ties so who cares because OMG like literally like so totes adorable yeah smash it omg FML kill me now etc. 

The girls babble their way into the audition, explaining to Nicole that they are one person cut in half.

Sadly, Nicole doesn't understand metaphors. 

The girls sing a song called Say My Name, which Google tells me is by Cheryl Cole. It's pretty bad but gets a lot worse/more hilarious when the blonde one does this terrifying rap.

I'm sorry for whatever it is you think I did! Please don't hurt me!

Despite this, Gary has the guts to tell the girls they can't sing and the judges vote to send them home.

Run, Gary, run!

Next up is Shozod, singing Down by Jay Sean. We're obviously on a nutter run, as this is just as awful as Duplex.

Then again, I don't think I've ever heard the song so maybe it's supposed to sound like this.

Shozod's shozoddy performance gets unanimously negative responses from the judges and he gets four nos. 

Either that or Louis has just realised he left One Direction's cage unlocked. 

The nutter run continues with Krysztof, who is a bit like Del Boy. 

If Del Boy was a terrible singer with a spinning diamante belt. 

Nicole is mesmerised by Krysztof's belt...

...But the other judges are less than impressed and Krysztof is sent home.

I think that must surely be it for the crazies for a while but, since this is the last room audition, the producers are really packing them in. 

For example, Peter:

Chartered accountant and KING OF ROCK.

Then there's crazy ol' Justin Peng, who assures us he is neither Justin Bieber nor Justin Timberlake.

Justin case you were confused.

Justin is from China but is over here studying 'math'. He says that his favourite math is about numbers.

Maybe spend a bit more time studying and a bit less time auditioning for reality TV shows, Justin.

Hang on a minute, did we just get a bit of Justin's life story? Could this possibly mean he's going to be SURPRISINGLY GOOD? Let's find out...

Hit it, mystery hand man!

Lo and behold, Justin is SURPRISINGLY GOOD!

I'm so surprised.

In fact, everyone else is very surprised too and, despite a surprise no from Sharon, Justin surprisingly goes through.

We see some people being nervous or whatever then it's time for Sam who is from Essex. "Like moi Rylan!" squeaks Nicole in her best Dick Van Dyke.

"...Yeah... like Rylan..." says Sam.

Except, as you can see, Sam is nothing like Rylan as Sam is not in possession of a set of fake glowing teeth that are twice the size of his mouth.

Both Gazza and I don't think much of Sam's snooze-worthy rendition of You're Beautiful by James Blunt but the other judges put him through because of his acceptably-sized teeth. 

I have a new favourite! This is Paul and he sings A Change Is Gonna Come by Sam Cooke. Everyone agrees that his voice is great and Paul gets four yeses, although Sharon and Louis say some work needs to be done on the 'performance side'.

Since Paul's performance was really good, this is obviously just X Factor wanker-speak for 'We need to make you look better'. 

Next act, Joseph, auditioned last year but failed to make it through.

Despite being super prepared and getting a girl pregnant a few years before his audition.

This year he's added braces and a trilby to his child-weapon, so is bound to go through.

High five for psychological manipulation!

They even let him bring the blackmail-device into the audition room!

"Dad, can you come back and audition when I'm 18?"

Joseph sings Always by Bon Jovi and I'm going to be controversial and say it wasn't very good. If it was me, I'd say a big fat 'no'.

Except that there's the small matter of this:

So OBVIOUSLY they have to bloody put him through.

While these people waste their time...

Guys, seriously, just go home. It's not even worth it if you win.

...We have to endure lots of people kissing for some reason.


Stop it.

These people don't even know each other.

Ah, it turns out the reason for the 'x' factor is because the next act to audition is couple Patricia and Dean, otherwise known as Green Boots.

More like GROSS BOOTS.

Ijusthrewupinmy Boots.

Sharon and Nicole's faces:

My face:

Then it gets so, so much worse, as Green Boots launch into a version of A Whole New World that's nearly as awful as when Jordan and Peter Andre sang it.

But not quite.

It's so terrible that everyone bursts out laughing.

That's including Dermot and their friend they brought along with them.

The judges say no, but that they like Green Boots as a couple.


Once The X Factor has its teeth into a theme it just doesn't let go, so now we have yet more weird duos.

There's sisters Joanna and Alexandra, who fall over!

"Hahaha falling over is so funny! I MISS YOU'VE BEEN FRAMED."

Creepy twins The Rive Brothers and their invisible microphones.

Don't these guys have a hotel somewhere they ought to be haunting?

Mother and daughter (!?) duo Exaggerate.

Who are neither geniuses or from New York.

Then we have best friends The Daisy Chains.

The girls say they chose the name because (like a chain) if one of the links is removed, they'll be broken. This automatically gives me the feeling that the judges are going to break this chain by saying only one of the group should go through.

Guess which one it's going to be!

Their audition doesn't do much to allay my suspicion, as the camera lingers on the girl in the middle (Hannah) and her mic is turned up to drown the other two girls out.

Surprise, surprise -- the judges think Hannah would be better off on her own and that she should ditch her stupid friends and continue on to the arena auditions by herself. 

Atta girl Hannah, try not to look pleased.

Gary says "If you're all as good friends as you say you are, I think these two girls here would be okay with it."

Yep! They look really okay with it.

Let's see how long this unbreakable chain lasts now!

Aboooouuuut 30 seconds!

Yep, turns out Red is a bit of a bitch. Luckily, that makes it all the more easy for Hannah to throw her former bezzies to the wolves and return to tell the judges she'll be going through on her own.

"Oh God, that was so horrible..."

"LOLjks I never liked that redhead bitch anyway. WOO X FACTOR!"

"With the room auditions coming to a close, everyone's feeling a bit worn out." says Dermot.

When what he really means is, "I'm so sick of The X Factor! Why did I sign a 1000 year contract!? Look at all these people who are just as sick of The X Factor as I am!"

Similarly bored of this shit is next contestant Jayson.

That's the spirit Jayson!

Despite having just come off a night shift at a call centre, he sings a very good rendition of Never Too Much by Luther Vandross and goes through to the arena auditions.

Jayson kicks off a string of people who are also good, but not good enough that we get to see their family or anything about their lives.

You're good but you're not BACK-STORY good.

We get to enjoy the last dregs of the queueing...

...Before Dermot introduces us to the last act, saying that they hope to follow in the footsteps of all the good singers that have gone before them.

I'm guessing they're going to be rubbish then.


Just kidding! Meet The Nostalgics, a group that -- as one of them puts it -- think they can go all the way if they live long enough. 

They sing a BEAUTIFUL rendition of Bring Me Sunshine, that the judges think can only be improved with the addition of Louis to their gang. 

Spot the Louis!

Gary says they could do with a bit more rehearsing...


...But The Nostalgics eventually get four yeses.


Then that is it! The pointless room auditions are finally over for another year, leaving just the arena auditions, the boot camp auditions, the judges' houses auditions and all of those endless live shows to take us all the way to Christmas.