Sunday, 1 September 2013

"Oh good, The X Factor's on again." - No one.

Yes, despite a lot of people coming to their senses and switching off, a baby-mama scandal and Jahmene, The Entitled, Whiny and Self-Obsessed Factor is still somehow back.

Ugh, Jahmene.
Shut up Jahmene. 

Not only that, this will be The X Factor's tenth year! That means, in the decade that brought us Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Gangnam Style, James Blunt, Jessie J, Rita Ora, Cheryl Cole, The Wanted, N-Dubz and Emeli Sandé -- The X Factor was still the worst thing to happen to music.

Ugh, Emeli Sandé.
Shut up Emeli Sandé.

Naturally, BAD TV could do nothing but make its own little comeback to see if Sharon Osbourne can inject some life into the great, lumbering, slurring, undying music beast.

And, after she's seen to Ozzie, how she does with The X Factor too.



Flashback, flashback, flashback -- ad epilepseum. 
Also ugh, Leona Lewis.
Shut up Leona Lewis.

Dermot is back again too, despite looking like he's trying desperately to resist the temptation to turn around and throw himself into the Thames. 

Poor Dermot.

Just in case you were worried that this series was going to be the same old boring X Factor, Derm assures us that they will be shaking things up. 


As well as balloons...


...There will also be two rounds of auditions, the normal big arena style ones and the old X Factor room of judges.

This is welcome news because watching weirdos humiliate themselves on national TV is the only thing most people like about The X Factor anyway.


We have to suffer a lot of footage of people going 'Oooohhhh'...

foooorrrr fuuuuuckkksss

...before they finally get on with it and the judges arrive in ominous-looking black helicopters, like a sinister swarm of deathly plague-carrying giant insects.  

About right then.

Dermot explains the whole double audition concept again just in case some people were confused by the word 'double' (better to be safe than sorry with The X Factor demographic), and then we're off for the first of the room auditions in Cardiff.




To start with we have Luke and it's our first 'GOOD or BAD?' game of the evening.

I'm going to guess good from the X Factor judges' point of view as they don't know anything about real instruments so are bound to be impressed.

Fittingly for The X Factor, the judges are initially less concerned with Luke's voice and more concerned with his appearance -- particularly his hair.

"How do you get so much VOL-YUM?" asks Nicole because Nicole can't say 'volume' properly.

"I haven't washed it in about nine months." says Luke. 


Luke sings Stand By Me by Ben. E. King and he is quite good.

Louis does his face that he does when confronted by a talented teenage boy.

Operation Lou-tree. 

It's four 'yes' votes from the judges and Dirty Luke goes through to the arena auditions. 

For some reason we then skip to Manchester...


...Where the judges meet with Alejandro. 

He's probably young enough to be named after the Lady Gaga song.

"How old are you?" asks Louis, just to clarify.

"I'm 17." says Alejandro. 

Alejandro goes through.

Next up we have 19 year old Tom in London and I'm starting to sense a pattern here.

Is Louis in charge of who gets to audition in the room perchance?

Tom has brought shitloads of kids with him.

Maybe they're all his.

Tom says he wants to be a role model to these kids so he's come on a show that's notorious for being superficial and exploitative.

Still, he's cute and he has a guitar so he goes through, but not before Nicole gets to do her first "I'm so into this" face of the week.

"I'm so emotionally affected by this unremarkable pop song that I've never heard of before."

I'm sure you can all guess what Louis' face looked like.

I must say so far I've been very disappointed with these mediocre auditions. Shouldn't we have had a nutter by now?


Meet J Star, a part time model (a job title meaning that, when he's on the street, depending on the street, he would definitely be in the top three good looking boys on the street... depending on the street.)

J Star gets off to a bad start before he's even sung in my book, as he says he will be performing Alexandra Burke's Hallelujah.

I would have also accepted Jeff Buckley.

Anyway, after that J Star just goes fucking supernova.

Uhh... J Star? You okay?

Let's see what the judges think!

...It's not looking good J Star.

Since J Star has broken the lunatic barrier, next up we have rock and roll god: FIL. 

Yep, that's Fil. With an F. 

Here is Fil eating some sandwiches his mum made him.
There was a whole story behind the cheese Fil-ling but it made me want to kill myself the first time round so I won't repeat it again.

Fil is singing Let Me Entertain You because he loves rock music so much.

At one point he wanders off the stage.

Fil you phucking rebel.

When Fil phinally returns to the stage, the judges tell him phanks but no phanks. Fil goes off to chat to Dermot while the judges discuss how rock stars should really act. Gary thinks it's most rock and roll to push over office chairs, the animal.


They decide to get Fil back in and give him one more chance to be a ROCK GOD. Gary also throws a mug at him.

But that might just be because he chose to sing a Robbie Williams song. 

Fil gets his second chance and shows how rock and roll he can be by knocking over some chairs on the way out.


The local mental asylum continues to offload its patients on the audition room for a bit...

 ...until the producers remember that it's not nice to make fun of the mentally ill and decide to show some people who are actually taking this shit seriously.

First up we have Silver Rock.

Who, despite what you might think, do not sing rock songs for the elderly.

The judges are pissed off that the girls have only been a group for a week because, damn it, there's nothing The X Factor hates more than a manufactured pop group (LOL). 

They ask the girls to sing separately, putting them in direct competition.

"Choke, choke, choke, choke."

The judges whisper, whisper, whisper like the producers haven't already told them what to do, then tell the girls that they can only go through as soloists.

"You can have a think about it." says Gary.

"It's going to be really hard competing against you..." says one of the girls.

"WE'LL DO IT!" says the other girl ignoring this bitch she met a week ago.

Then we have Siana who is 16 and a good singer...

...But only a girl so Louis ain't fussed.

"This isn't a boy, where did the boys go?"

Then we have this one called Rielle who is also very good. 

And she lives in Moss Side so she's a dead cert to go through.

Then there's adorable Hannah who is doing her A Levels and works in Greggs. Sharon asks what Hannah's parents think of her wanting to be a singer.

"Well my dad passed away a couple of years ago." says Hannah.


Hannah has also been kicked out of her house and now lives in accommodation for teenagers. "It's not home," she says.

"I get it, I get it." says Sharon Osbourne, daughter of a rock entrepreneur and wife to a millionaire rockstar.

Hannah is good, obviously. Even if she does sing Emeli Sandé.

Oh my god Emeli Sandé, just stop it. 

Next up we have: The Crop Top Band!

They have an actual band name I suppose but who cares.

Incidentally has anyone else noticed this mysterious hand guy? Where is he??

Who is he??

Anyway, apparently the crop top band are actually called The Euphoria Girls because they love being HAPPY and they just want everyone to be HAPPY all the TIME and they MIGHT be on DRUGS.

Until Gary tells them they can't sing. 

From euphoria to desolation, a neat metaphor for the prospects of this year's X Factor winner.

Despite Gary's misgivings, the other judges put the band through and the background music tells us we're supposed to think this group is the new Spice Girls. Since they look they are living in a cocaine-induced mania and can't sing, I think that sounds about right. 

Time for some mad people again! Yay!

There's these two:

Who manage to forget the words despite listening to the song in their iPod. 

This one who...

...I don't even know.

Another one.



Don't ask.



That's quite enough of that so we'll cut to 19 year old Luke, who brings flowers for Nicole and Sharon!

Awwww Luke!

What do you do Luke?

"I'm a Justin Bieber tribute."


Everyone breathes a sigh of relief when Luke says he will be performing his own song.

Sadly Luke's song sounds like something they sing at the Michael Jackson Disney Bible Camp.

Thanks Luke, I just threw up in my mouth. I guess you can take the man out of Justin Bieber... ;)

He goes through though because there's something wrong with these people deep down inside. 

Last but not least, we have Sam Bailey who I'm 100% sure is going to be good because she has a deaf dog and she works in a prison and they have clearly dedicated the whole end of the show to her.



Oh sorry Sam, what were you saying? I believe you were about to sing a Beyoncé song amazingly and astoundingly because it's the end of the show and you work in a prison?




(Feel free to press play if you want to recreate the moment.
Although having said that I'm sure The X Factor will replay flashbacks of Sam's audition at least twice every episode this series so maybe don't bother.)

And then Sam and her adorable husband and her deaf dog go through and absolutely no one anywhere is surprised.

That's that for episode one then! Personally I think that this tenth series is proving to be much newer and fresher and currenter and more relevanter and more X Factorier than ever! In that there's all the same nutters, sob stories, idiot judges, over enthusiasm and sense of desperation... but it's in a ROOM now!

Except that, well, actually it's not anymore because Sunday's episode will go back to the trusty arena auditions. Join me for more of that tomorrow. Hurray. 

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