Tuesday, 10 September 2013

X Factor Weekend 2: The Room Auditions -- Kid, pet, shit job or mental illness? You're in.

If you watched last weekend's X Factor and thought, 'This new format is so jumbled and illogical. Instead of skipping from room auditions to arena auditions to room auditions to arena auditions etc, why not show all the room auditions first followed by all the arena auditions? At least then we would get some sense of chronological satisfaction.' Congratulations. You were right. The new format doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

Sadly, The X Factor doesn't give a flying Little Mix what you or I think.

A flying Little Mix. 

They certainly don't care what I think, otherwise this:

...would never have been allowed. 

Anyway, I suppose we'd better bloody get on with it then.

Oh fuck I forgot, we have to catch up on last weekend first.

Some people were good.

And also ghosts, apparently.

And some people were shit.

HAHAHA and you thought you were talented. 

Tamera Foster and her family were surprised to learn that things that were filmed a while ago can be shown on TV right now!


Simon Cowell's time-travelling progeny stopped by from the future to watch last week's show with Sam Bailey.

"You're good Sam, but I've seen better."

Instead of just showing us the show, the producers delight in showing us what's going to happen on the show before showing us the show itself.

Here is the whole show. 
You can now switch off the TV and go and do something more productive.

One thing this flash forward does give us is my new favourite Louis Walsh Face.

Selling his soul to Simon Cowell for eternity makes Louis :(

It's no wonder Louis looks sad too, as the auditions get off to a bad start.


Then there's a lot of shots of people being so EXCITED about the auditions even though it would be a lot more EXCITING if they would just get on with it. 

What are you waiting for!?
Get in there and humiliate yourself.

Finally the above lady, who is called Chloe, actually manages to make into 'The Room'. Then she sings a bit and gets put through to the next round because she's pretty. 

Remind me what's supposed to be exciting about this again?

He doesn't know either.

Next up is a boy who was named after the two places he was most likely to have been conceived.

His parents just didn't ever get much further than their local high street.  

In a most unexpected turn of events... Barclay shows us that people over the age of six actually do buy Spongebob Squarepants merchandise.

Oh and also he yodels.

Nicole takes her clothes off because that's what Nicole does in times of confusion.

"I don't know what's happening!"

For some inexplicable reason, the judges all vote to put Barclay through even though he just fucking yodelled his way through the audition then screamed in their faces.

It's like they didn't even see the Spongebob guitar strap.

Dermot reminds us just how excited everyone is then, in a moment of HILARIOUS juxtaposition, we get this guy!

It's funny because he's not as excited as everybody else!

Meet Thomas, who is miserable and boring.

 Because that's funny, right? 

Thomas has brought a laptop for backing music and some feedback forms that the judges can fill out. He begins to sing Isn't She Lovely by Stevie Wonder and is, obviously, terrible.

Although if Thomas isn't an actor, I'll eat my own home DJ system.

As if Thomas wasn't boring enough, we keep having to watch the same old footage of people queueing.

Come on X Factor. British people love queuing, they don't love watching queueing. 

Next up we have Relley C. who is a housekeeper from Birmingham.

And the latest victim of Harvey Dent and Cruella de Vil's joint hairdressing venture.

She is very good and Sharon and Louise tell her so. Relley gets a bit emotional. "You're going to make me cry." says Nicole.

Whilst trying to make herself cry.

The judges make a big deal out of voting her through, repeatedly telling her 'No more housekeeping' as though they're giving her a record contract there and then instead of just voting her through to the next round.

When, in reality, she could be shit in the arena. 

We move on from Relley to Shelley, who is a van driver and bound to go through because: cute kid.

It probably isn't even hers.

Turns out Shelley didn't need to hire the kid after all, because she actually has a good voice and gets four yeses from the judges anyway.

You're fired.

After Shelley we have Ryan, who is a refuse truck mechanic and teaches Nicole about a place called Hull. 

In fairness to Nicole, this is most people's reaction upon learning about Hull.

Ryan talks about bin juice for a bit then sings quite nicely, winning himself four yeses from the judges.

Adding 'shit job' to 'child' and 'dying family member' to complete the list of the top three things that will get you through to at least the second round.

Next up is the very waggly-headed Stuart who performs surgery on trees or something. 

He's either going to be amazing or absolutely mental.

Absolutely mental it is then!

The judges laugh in his face.

 Because that's the right thing to do to someone who's trying their best to achieve their dreams. 

Stuart goes home to sharpen his scalpel or whatever it is tree surgeons do.

Next to audition is Abi.

Alumni of the Zooey Deschanel School of Adorable.

Abi plays guitar and sings a nice song about soldiers.

This is a bit like Lucy Spraggan singing about tea and toast in that it's cheating because the British public love soldiers just as much as they love tea and toast. 

(I'm going to go on next year, sing about TOAST SOLDIERS and just watch the British public go into meltdown.)

Anyway, Abi is so good that she prompts Nicole's second 'I'm so into this' face of the series.

"I don't understand how you're getting that wooden thing to make noise just by plucking its strings but it's magical."

The judges pretend to have a moment's doubt about whether she's right for the show because they're trying to make things interesting. Then they give up and put her through anyway.

Stop trying to liven things up guys. The faster you say yes, the faster we can all get this over with.

Since Shelley had so much success in buying that child to bring to her audition, everyone else follows suit.

"My kid is the cutest!" "No, my kid is the cutest!" "My kid is the smallest of all humans!" "My kid will die if you don't put me through to bootcamp!"

Some people don't have kids though. Some people have cats. 

Which is much better.

Yep, this is Colin and his cat Patch. Colin has a bit of a rough start when he is put off by the music not starting immediately...

Get your shit together Mysterious Hand Man.

...but we are eventually treated to a pretty awful version of Someone Like You by Adele.

I have a terrible feeling that, unless Patch is dying of some incurable cat malady, Colin is not going through.

Even with Nicole and Gary joining in to help him out, Colin is unable to get in time with the music. 

Although, in fairness to Colin, Gary's terrifying falsetto is enough to put anyone off. 

Despite assuring us that he has had six whole singing lessons, Colin is told in no uncertain terms to fuck off. 

This morning's news: Disappointed X Factor Contestant Murders Cat Before Turning Gun On Himself

After Colin's failure, we get to see a whole lot of other failures. By that I mean all the people who have already tried to get on The X Factor before and are coming back for another go.

Just give up! It's over! You are destined for obscurity!

One such contestant is Jade, who Gary tells us had once made it through to Judges' Houses but no further. 

Here is pictoral evidence of that in case you think Gary is lying.

Jade doesn't wear glasses anymore.

I'm guessing this means she is Even Better Than Ever.

"Sing your heart out." says Nicole. 

Jade sings a very good version of When I Was Your Man, which is apparently by someone called Bruno Mars.


Despite Gary pretending to be worried about Jade's previous failures, the judges vote to put her through.

Then, for some BIZARRE reason, Jade goes away, gets changed and comes back to audition again!

Silly Jade, they put you through this time! You don't have to keep auditioning any more!

Oh my bad, this is actually Amy. Amy got through to Judges' Houses in Tulisa's group last year but didn't make it through.

I can only think that this is to Amy's benefit as she narrowly escaped being exposed to more than the NHS-recommended amount of Tulisa. 

Pictured: The NHS-designated safe amount of Tulisa.

Amy is very good but we all knew she was because we can remember things that happened a year ago. Amy goes through.

Next up are The Dolly Rockers, whose style has significantly progressed since they first tried out in 2006. 

I said 'progressed', I didn't say 'improved'.

I'm sensing a theme here, as this lot go through too. Maybe people can change for the better!

No, not you Simon.

Next up to try, try again is 19 year old Melanie, who is on her FOURTH year of The X Factor. 

I guess that makes it 'try, try, try, and try again' then.

We get to watch each and every time Melanie's dream has been crushed in the past. Hurray!


Mystery Hand Man pops up for moral support...

"Don't worry Melanie, I had to audition for this job five times before I got it."

...then Melanie sings a nice version of Diamonds by Rihanna. 

Fucking hell, Louis starts crying!

Calm down Louis.

In yet another unsurprising conclusion, the judges vote to put her through. 

"Best audition of the day!" says Gary. 

"I'm saying a very big yes!" says Louis.

"An absolute yes from me!" says Sharon. 

"The fighter in your back... Absolutely yes." says Nicole, whose Ritalin is wearing off. 

That's all for this weekend's room auditions. Join me tomorrow when we'll be taking a look at exactly the same contestants we took a look at today because The X Factor believes repetition is the key to success is the key to success is the key to success is the key to success.



  1. I have missed this! The only good thing about The X Factor being back is your hilarious blog!

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