Monday, 16 September 2013

X Factor Weekend 3: The Room Auditions -- In which many people queue.

This weekend's X Factor begins with a little snippet of James Arthur having his new single played on the radio. This roughly translates as: The X Factor trying to make us care about people we barely cared about last year.

Wait... did he win last year!?
Oh, who cares. 

We have some James Arthur doing singing at a camera...

James Arthur doing singing at some people... 

I can only assume they've all been paid to be here.

And then... 

Oh shit, James Arthur got someone pregnant! 

Hang on, no, my bad, they're just showing us ANOTHER RECAP about how James has changed his life forever or whatever.

Quite incidentally, I just flicked over to Twitter and saw this.

Good to see The X Factor changing lives in action. 

Anyway, winning the show hasn't been able to make James any less boring to look at so we'll move on to something altogether more interesting.

At least, that's what I'm hoping for. What I get is more people fucking queueing.

When oh when will The X Factor stop showing us queueing. 

When we do eventually get to see some auditionees, it's these guys.

I changed my mind. Please continue to show all the queueing.

I have no idea what their band name is because, every time they say it, it comes out like a bunch of drunk louts slurring a football chant.


Look how much FUN these guys are! Aren't they so much FUN!?

They're so much fun it makes me want to kill them and then myself. 

It's obvious that this is the Next Big Boyband The X Factor wants teenage girls to kill their chihuahuas for. I'm not sure how this works with regards to One Direction, I'm guessing SyCo will take a hit out on them to get them out of the way but that might just be wishful thinking. 

Anyway, here they go.

I wonder if they're named after King's Landing. This would, after all, be appropriate as it's ruled over by a male teenage twat.

I think they are TERRIBLE but the judges love them. "Dare I say we've found a group in which everyone can sing??" exclaims Nicole in surprise.

That doesn't say much for your own group, Nicole...

Then again, she also uses the word 'thrustations' so we shouldn't really be paying her any attention.

After hilariously being called 'not clichéd' by Louis (I think the phrase you were looking for was '100% clichéd', Louis), the boys go through.

It looks like 'groups' will be the theme this weekend as, next up, we have Brick City.

I love how brilliantly eager the guy on the right is.

I want them to be terrible so I can call them Brick Shitty or Shitting Bricks but, sadly, they are all right and they go through.

Next up are these guys.

I remember these guys!

This is Rough Copy, the ones who couldn't go to through to Judges' Houses last year because of 'visa issues'. Having looked back it seems that, at the time, I apparently I believed this was because one of them was an alien.

I don't even know.

Since their only issue was a legal one last year, they go through.

Sadly the talent ends there and, instead, we get Liddia and Ryan.

Never trust someone who can't spell their own name.

Naturally they are terrible. So terrible in fact, that Ryan knows his only chance is to come on to Louis by giving him his phone number. Nice try Ryan.

Oh... well actually yeah, looks like that could work.

The judges are all very critical. Nicole describes the whole performance as 'Shamazeless'. 

"PUT US TO THAT WEMBLEY!" begs Ryan, making about as much sense as Nicole. When begging doesn't work, he tries insults, telling Louis he wouldn't recognise talent if it hit him in the face with a brick (fair) and Gary that he's past his time (fair).

SURPRISINGLY, even that doesn't work and the pair get four rejections before brilliantly proclaiming themselves 'off t'Voice'.

Next up is Harry Potter. 

I'm pretty sure that's what he said anyway. 

He's from Worcester, which is also where sauce and cathedrals are from.

Harry, Giles, whatever.

As Giles sings, his dad also sings outside. 

Demonstrating whose dream they're really all here to fulfil.

What I immediately think of as 'obnoxious', Sharon proclaims to be 'fantastic' and the judges vote to put Giles through.

Next up is another Lydia.

She goes through solely because she can spell her own name correctly.

After Lydia comes Nicholas, who says he'd like to be a pop star because he's rubbish at school. 

Who needs school when you can have The X Factor!

"Sing your heart out!" says Nicole. 

Nicholas sings You Raise Me Up and, despite some misgivings from Gary, the other three judges vote to put him through. 

I'm beginning to suspect that all the shots of people queuing to audition have been faked, as this year the producers seem to be relying solely on rehashed contestants. For example, next we have Stephanie.

Who had her life ruined by Sharon Osbourne when she was just 14! Good going Shaz.

This probably explains why Stephanie immediately bursts into tears upon catching sight of Sharon as she walks into the room. 

This is either Sharophobia or Sharophilia, I can't work out which.

Stephanie is very good.

Much to the dismay of her competitors in the waiting room.

Sharon cries, Stephanie cries, Stephanie's mum cries and Stephanie goes through.

Typical Stephanie's mum.

Oh good, more queueing!

Imagine doing all this and there's not even a roller coaster at the end of it.

We haven't had any weirdos since Liddia and Ryan so now we're going to have some, okay?

Here's one.

And here's another one.

I can't stop thinking about that lady's eyebrows.

This one is also strange.

Did she draw them on like that??

Next up is Souli Roots who is well angry about the recession. 

She's so angry, the top of her head has started exploding.

She's gone to the trouble of writing a song about the recession, during which we get to learn about Souli Roots' priorities. 

Hundred pounds a night for a beach break,
I can't afford it, afford it, afford it.
£3 a slice for a cheesecake,
I can't afford it, afford it, afford it. 

Baffingly, Souli gets three yeses. I can only attribute this to the judges feeling rich people guilt.

That's enough mentally questionable folk for now, time to look at this kid and his amazing t-shirt. 

This kid is the best person that's ever been on The X Factor. 

James McDonald Bus Driver is next (that is his full name) and he'll probably go through because they'll try to make out like 'bus driver' is a shit job.

Even though he gets to sing The Wheels On The Bus all day long and no one can stop him.

Yep! I'm right and James goes through. I mean, it could also have been because he was a really good singer, but I'm pretty sure it's the bus thing. 

Next up is Louise Harper who, despite apparently having been told 'no' in the past about God knows what, claims "I have never give up". 

Thankfully her loose grasp on grammar doesn't affect her singing voice.

Since she has a guitar, Nicole thinks she is ROCK'N'ROLL. 

Please don't do that Nicole. 

Louise goes through and is followed by yet another boy band, although this lot look a little old for that now.

Can you have a man-band?

For a second I'm convinced that the one in the middle is Mark Owen and that this is about to get really uncomfortable for Gary but it turns out they're just three brothers called Next Of Kin. 

Not that their story isn't uncomfortable though, apparently the brothers were once signed to Universal but everything went tits up and now The X Factor is all they have left. 

In case that's not awkward enough for you, this is the bit where they sing "I FEEL LIKE DYING!" in harmony. 

To me, the band sounds exactly how they must have sounded on the Smash Hits tour they apparently went on in the nineties but the judges seem really impressed. 

Nicole starts crying. 

But it's probably because she's scared they'll all commit suicide if she says no.

"That's a hit song!" says Louis, whose music taste never evolved post-Westlife.

All the judges vote to put the brothers through for reasons entirely beyond my comprehension, although I imagine it has something to do with pity, guilt and a vague sense of shame at the modern music industry. 

THE END! Join me tomorrow when I may or may not be bothered to write all these same things about all these same people. 

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