Tuesday, 19 November 2013

Made In Chelsea: Series 6 Episode 6 - This episode is brought to you by the letter 'B', for Binkysmum, bikes, benches, bridges, bars, blind dates and (grouse) butts.

Previously on Made In Chelsea

- Phoebe collected all of her finest poisoned apples to start handing out.

- LucyBot's finger antennae detected imminent shithead arrival. 


- And Louise was ecstatic at the idea of getting back together with Andy.

This week's QOTD comes from Chelsea's resident sexpert and weirdest named character: Binkysmum.

Also evidently one half of Chelsea's most unsatisfying marriage.

We are treated to INSTANT fence and lamp.

Guys, isn't it time you just gave up on #madeinchelsea and started using #fencewatch?

Mark Francis and Victoria are in a gallery or possibly a lateral fucking space Mark wants to buy, it's hard to tell.

They're looking at pictures of women who have killed themselves because Made In Chelsea is so bad.

Phoebe turns up to hang out with them because no one else likes her she says she needs to spend time with 'people with a brain cell'.

Luckily it's just the one brain cell she requires.

Spencer is back in therapy.

"I don't know how to deal with this overwhelming guilt about the people I could have helped with all the money I spent at that bar."

Just kidding, he's only worried about himself again.

The poor little sausage is bored of everyone calling him a cheating bastard. After all, he wouldn't cheat on the girl of his dreams. All his exes are just angry at him because they want to be that girl.

I'm wondering how the therapist isn't kicking him in the balls right now.

It turns out that she's coping by just getting really, really high.

Elsewhere, Alex and Jamie go on a shopping date.

Alex picks up a pink teapot and Jamie goes on a rant about the dangers of buying girly stuff. To summarise, he is absolutely terrified of girl lurgies.

Jamie's opinion of girls hasn't really moved on from the 'eight year old boy' stage.

Alex tries to put Jamie's mind at rest by saying the teapot isn't for him. It's actually for Binkysmum, who he is meeting tomorrow.


In an attempt to save Alex from the most infectious girl lurgies of all, Jamie advises him to talk to Binkysmum about his sex life with Binky.

"Hahaha I just said the word 'SEX'!"

On a random bench in the street, Binky, LucyBot and Kevin are also discussing Alex's upcoming encounter with Binkysmum.

"OMGshutuuuuuuup." thinks Kevin.

They talk about how immature Jamie is, just in time for us to cut to Jamie being immature.

He has a CUNNING PLAN. To get Lucy to like him, he's going to be REALLY NICE TO HER.


Spencer heads to his nearest fence to make a phone call.

Look how much Fence hates Spencer. You could cut the tension with a knife.

Andy is the unlucky recipient of the phone call. Spencer wants him to go clay pigeon shooting. Andy agrees.

Stevie likes thinking about pigeons.

Failed new characters Freddie and Miffy are also there but they're not allowed to talk anymore because Miffy is a big fat homophobe.


Happy that he's secured a date with Andy, Spencer does weird gun fingers in the street. 

Much to Fence's embarrassment. 

Then we're off to East Sussex where Binkysmum lives in a gingerbread house. 

Not that I'm making any insinuations about her character.

Alex and Binky arrive. Alex tells Binkysmum she has a lovely house. 

"I know." says Binkysmum, who has terrible manners.

"Wait 'til you see my collection of novelty cauldrons!"

 Hahaha this sign says 'grouse butts'.

Grouse butts!

Sorry, I got distracted because that sign says 'grouse butts'. Where are we?

Oh yes, we're in The Scene That Has Too Much Tweed.

This is, of course, Spencer and Andy's shooting date. 

Before Andy gets the chance to shoot Spencer though, we cut back to Binkysmum's house.

Where Binkysmum has popped Alex's corpse in the wood-fired oven.

Not really! LegoHead is enjoying inane conversation about Christmas and willies, still alive and well.

"For now."

At one point Alex even obligingly walks off without saying anything, just so Binky and Binkysmum can talk about Binky's concerns that Lucy still likes him.

"I'm just going to go and stand behind the camera so you and your mum can talk privately."

Back in London, Fence does his very best to stop the girls getting into this nice hotel but it's to no avail.

"Begone harpies!"

It seems the girls have come to the hotel to gloat over their riches.

One girl's riches are another girl's cheap-looking tat.

I think this might be a collection designed by Rosie but boooo shut up Rosie, the girls want to bitch about Spencer and Andy now. 

Talking of whom... has Andy shot Spencer yet?

No :(

Back at the hotel, Phoebe turns up.

Her outfit today is 'Chav in a Rainstorm'.

She says she is here to support Rosie, so immediately sets about ignoring Rosie and launching into another cringeworthy argument with Fran and Lucy.

The 'argument' is pretty embarrassing for everyone involved but, in the end, it's posh Vicky Pollard who walks out in a sulk.

"No, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, shut up Fran."

Then it is nighttime and, since Binky can only have conversations on benches, she and Alex head outside to find their nearest one.

"Okay, now you can talk to me."

Alex has concocted a stupid plan to set up Lucy and Jamie at a blind date dinner. 

Alex's stupid-plan-face makes him look stupid. 

And also a little like Jack Whitehall.

Binky doesn't think it will work, but pinky-promises Alex she won't breathe a word to Lucy.


Similarly out and about that night are Andy and Stevie. They are discussing the fact that Stevie can't ride a bike.

"What even is a bike anyway!?"

Behind them, this poor girl freezes in panic as she gets a close-up.


But then the cameraman realises he's supposed to be filming the other indistinguishable brunette in the background.

And his sister.

Unsurprisingly, Andy is not best pleased to see these two.

"Oh God, I HATE Barry Scott."

Luckily Barry Scott goes to the bar and it's just Louise who comes over.

Stevie is rapidly asked to leave.

As in most social situations.

Andy and Louise drone on about her banging Niall from One Direction that mystery guy again. 

Louise does this for a bit:

Then finally admits to sleeping with Niall from One Direction the mystery man.

Then she starts crying.

All understandable actions for someone who has just had to admit to sleeping with someone from One Direction on national TV.

The next day, Francis is drafted in for more light relief as he HILARIOUSLY teaches Stevie how to ride a bike.

Stevie looks about as impressed with these 'comedy' Francis scenes as I feel. 

"You were funnier when they didn't make you try so hard."

Mercifully the whole thing doesn't go on for too long, as the pair bump into Andy on a bridge.

'Bridge' joins 'bench' and 'bar' to complete the triangle of 'Places beginning with 'B' where people from Made In Chelsea like to have conversations'.

In case you didn't know Andy was freshly depressed about Louise, he's started dressing like emo Clark Kent again.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No it's fucking suicidal Andy again.

You know how I just said people from Made In Chelsea love talking at places beginning with 'B'?


Residing in this particular 'B' mecca are Lucy, Rosie, Cheska and Binky.

They all sit on giant golden thrones and talk about how hard life is.

Oops, hang on a sec I've got the wrong picture.

Binky broaches the topic of Alex's stupid blind date plan to Lucy but doesn't reveal that Lucy's mystery date will be Jamie.

You NEVER break a Binky-Promise.

Lucy looks reticent but soon comes round to the idea after joking that the main love of her life is her dog.

The camera immediately cuts to Cheska for no reason whatsoever.

Chesksa also reveals that the end-of-episode-party will be jazz-themed, which is much better than Snake Apple-themed or whatever the hell the last one was.

Later that night, the blind date takes place with Binky, Lucy and Alex.

Lucy doesn't look that surprised when Jamie turns up, presumably because they'd done a few takes before this one.

She does seem surprised however, when he informs her that he wants to 'accept her friend request'.

"Well I would like to 'punch' you in your 'wall'."

To try and make everyone forget how awful he is, Jamie brings up the fact that Lucy and Alex have dated in the past.

"We'd like to order four portions of Awkward please."

In fact it's so terrible that LucyBot looks like she's barely restraining herself from killing Jamie.

This is not the first time that Jamie's life has been saved by Asimov's First Law of Robotics.

Also feeling murderous is Louise, who meets Spencer on another fucking bridge.

Just jump. One of you, both of you, I don't care.

Louise is so angry at Spencer for ruining things between her and Andy that she does this face at him the whole time. 

"I hate you Spencer Matthews!"

Back at the world's shittest dinner, Jamie and Alex head to the bar so that Binky can have a word with Lucy about Alex. 

They do so and it is boring.

"Why do all you humans keep trying to talk to me about your sodding emotions??"

Then it is finally time for the Jazz Party.

Jazz can only be played after the drums have been cleaned with these tiny drum-dusters.

Host of the party Cheska doles out relationship advice to Binky.

I guess you don't need to be able to paint to be an art critic.

Phoebe has turned up at this party too, even though the only person that will talk to her is Jamie.

Her outfit tonight is Halloweena Ballerina.

Nearby, Andy is still wearing his sad glasses and still talking about Louise. 

"I'm not going to hold a grudge, I'm just going to delete her from my life." he says to Lucy.

...Is Andy going to kill Louise?

Before we get to find out more about Louise's impending murder, this creepy girl walks in and stares at Andy like he's food.

Vampire or fame-pire?

"Heey... heey..." Andy whispers terrifyingly whilst waving.

He goes on to explain to Lucy that he recently slept with this girl, after which he gave her some clothes to wear. 

Louise's clothes.

I'm now 80% sure he's a serial killer.

To my surprise, Lucy sticks up for Louise.

"You cannot make Louise feel this big, when you've been sleeping around." says Lucy.

She is that big!

"Well yeah, like, I DON'T HAVE A HEART ANYMORE." proclaims Andy melodramatically.

He doesn't even laugh after he says it.

Eventually Andy decides he ought to go and speak to this girl about the night they spent together.

I don't really know what to make of her. 
She seems quite nice... in a 'Cassie from Skins' sort of way, y'getme?

"It was a fun night, wasn't it!" says Andy.

"It was a fun night until you locked me into your house." she says. "It was weird and I was really upset."

Okay, now I'm 99.9% sure he's a serial killer.

Watching over the conversation are Lucy and Louise.

Louise is upset that Andy is with another girl.

LucyBot does her best sympathy face.

Back at the table, the conversation is getting even weirder. 

"All I had was my clothes that I was in from that night so I just needed stuff to go to work in and all you could give me was a pile of Louise's stuff." she whimpers.

Would you have preferred him to have a wardrobe full of unused women's clothing??

Andy's not listening anyway.

He's clocked the warning signs that Louise is about to start crying and is thinking everyone really ought to get out of there before they drown.

To my delight, Louise doesn't just cry. 

In fact, she marches over to the table and says, "Hey darling, first of all I'd love my jumper back and also can you get out of my fucking seat."

Then she shoves the girl out of the seat!

Andy can do nothing but rock out his best Kenneth Williams impression.

Andy and Louise then proceed to have a big old argument.

I spend most of this time wondering why that girl doesn't come back and step on tiny, irritating Louise since none of this was her fault.

Although I figure she's probably just sat in a corner doing this face and humming.

I tune back into the conversation just in time to hear Andy proclaim that he's probably never going to be in a relationship ever again. EVER.

Then I have to tune out again because I'm laughing too much. 

Next week on Made In Chelsea

- "I found Louise's jumper." says Stevie.

I can't even make a joke about this, that's pretty hilarious Stevie. Good work.

- Fran goes robbing.

- Jamie practises his cabaret.

- And Spencer's ridiculous quiff grows so large, it doesn't even fit on camera any more...

- ...so I drew this artist's impression of it for you instead.

See you next week!


  1. Brilliant as always, however as a bridge enthusiast I feel I must point out that Louise and Spence are talking on Chelsea Embankment, not a bridge.