Thursday, 19 December 2013

Made In Chelsea: Series 6 Episode 10 - Love not actually.

Sorry for the delay this week BAD TV fans, I've been spending too much time having deep and intense conversations with Stevie on Twitter.


 Sadly my CLEVER TRICK didn't work. 
Although, it is Stevie we're talking about so, you know...

"Stevie keep clicking 'Retweet' but STILL CAN'T HEAR TWEETING."

Anyhoo, let's do this.

Previously on Made In Chelsea

- Andy claimed to have seen a fit girl at the bar.

Causing this girl on the right to look round in alarm and make sure she had a good grip on her pepper spray.

- The wardrobe department wound Jamie's headband on a little too tight.

- And, in an attempt to get Jamie out of her room, LucyBot pressed the 'cry' button located next to her right eye.

Go-go-gadget Misery!

This week's QOTD is another turkey from Spencer 'Bernard' Matthews. 

Luckily for Spencer, no one in Chelsea knows very much about anything.

Those MIC fans clucking for a fence fix are rewarded immediately.

Made In Chelsea is a fence enabler. 

Then we cut to Jamie looking at pictures of Lucy.

That look like they were taken from a distance by someone hiding in a bush. 

 Francis and Bob come in to judge him.

The man with the leather trousers and the top knot is judging someone else.

Jamie declares the whole of the South Africa trip to have been a disaster.

"That incredible trip paid entirely for by Channel 4 where we flew out to South Africa, stayed in an amazing hotel, saw countless wild animals and were treated to local entertainment and gourmet food... was a fucking disaster."

 Here's some bits of stuff on a table.

Wait, is this underwear?

Lucy is near the underwear with Rosie.

Who is wearing the best part of a whole cow.

They are discussing Jamie's South African declaration of love for Lucy. Lucy just can't understand it and is worried their relationship might have changed. 

"When he rings me drunk, like normally, I'd be like 'yeah, come over, whatever' but now I'm just like... 'don't'."

Hang on a minute Lucy, I think I just identified where you might have been going wrong before.

Meanwhile, Jamie is still moping around looking heartbroken.

Not really, he's just remembered it's his birthday soon.

He, Bob and Francis decide to go to a gig for his birthday as well as have an all-boys poker night.

Although 'all-boys poker night' means something different when you've been to public school. 

The boys practise their poker faces.

Bob wins because he went to the Millie Mackintosh school of facial expressions.

Back at the tiny underwear shop, Rosie is trying to make out like interesting stuff happened while the gang were away in S.A.

"So much stuff went down in London." she says. 

No, it didn't.

"It was a bit intense." she sighs.

No, it wasn't.

As they chat, Andy appears from behind a rack of lacy nighties. 

I have absolutely no problem believing that Andy has just been caught hiding in a women's underwear shop.

He talks about his date with Vita. Lucy suggests he dates someone who hasn't fucked Spencer. 

"Rosie's like the only person!" laughs Lucy. 


Still leafy.


Still fencey.

Binky, Fran and Cheska meet for drinks in a place. 

Also wrapped in various animals.

Guess what they're talking about?!

If you answered 'something interesting', you lose 10 BAD TV points.

They are, of course, talking about the South Africa trip. Namely how much Binky loves Alex and the fact that everyone is now friends with Phoebe.

Fran is so happy about both these things.

A dark fence descends on Chelsea as the boy's poker night rolls around. 


"OOH FULL HOUSE!" yells Jamie.

Jamie is terrible at poker. 

The boys also question Alex on whether he loves Binky. Alex says that he doesn't and talks about Phoebe instead.

Then the boys decide to text Binky and ask if she loves him.

Binky is a lucky, lucky girl.

Since the boys are all poking each other, Binky and Lucy meet Fran, Cheska and Rosie for a girls' night out. 

There's not been any good arguments recently so the director instructs them to bring Phoebe too. 

"Sshh, we brought Phoebe. She's disguised as Andy Warhol. Don't tell Fran."

Fran does clock that Phoebe has turned up though and tries to apologise. Phoebe responds by squealing, "I DON'T LIKE YOU."

It's just too tiring trying to not be a bitch to everyone at the same time.

Upon finding out that his head concubine Vitalia has been dating Andy, Spencer summons her from the seraglio to inform her that fraternising with the enemy will not be tolerated as it is 'irritating'.

Ever the dutiful consort, Vitalia politely asks how the South Africa trip went.

"How do you know I was in South Africa!?" bellows Spencer.

He has yet to fully grasp the whole 'being on TV' concept.

Later that night, a drunk LucyBot texts Jamie by mistake. 

She was actually trying to say this to Siri, with whom she is enjoying a passionate robotic affair.

Then I find myself looking at what appears to be a really awful washing powder advert. 

Daz - Get your whites whiter than the Made In Chelsea cast!

It turns out it's just Jamie, who has asked to do his washing at Lucy and Stevie's flat as an excuse to see Lucy.

Stevie takes some snaps.

For his personal collection. 

While Jamie waits in his pants for Lucy, a hungover Lucy is out bumping into Andy.

Still hanging out alone around women's clothing shops.

Lucy explains to Andy about the Siri mix-up and wonders whether Jamie will read much into her text.

Andy informs her that he absolutely will, not least because they've already slept together.

LucyBot ingested too much coolant fluid last night to be in the mood for this kind of attitude.

"Oh well." Andy comforts her, "Let's go buy stuff to solve our problems. It always works!"


There's just enough time for some fancy fence...

...before the appearance of Harley Street fence warns us that we're about to endure another of these awful 'Spencer in therapy' scenes. 

The quack and the quiff.

Quiff Richard has come in to ask the therapist's advice on the punishment of disobedient concubines. 

If Andy wants to pursue Vita, he scoffs, it's a game he's going to lose. 

The therapist points out that it's not really a game and wonders aloud what Vita's feelings are (although she leaves out the 'you fucking wanker' bit that I personally would have put in).

"...They have feelings?"

Vita herself has taken a break from spawning Spencer's heirs to go shopping for a new set of seven veils, where she conveniently bumps into Andy and Lucy.

LucyBot's hangover is affecting her processing functions so, instead of the normal human niceties, she storms right in and asks Vita if she's sleeping with Spencer.


Meanwhile Jamie is still waiting at Lucy's flat, huddled naked on her sofa cradling a mug with her name on it.

Sadly all he gets is Bob, who has been called in by Stevie for an intervention.

Or just to join Stevie in appreciating Jamie's naked body, it's hard to tell. 

Later that night, it's time for the gig plus lots of awkward head-bobbing from all involved.

Fran informs Binky and Cheska that the band is Icelandic.

"THAT MEANS THEY'RE FROM ICELAND." proclaims Binky proudly. 

They would make jokes about the band's large selection of cheap frozen foods but none of them are actually aware that there's a shop called Iceland.

Alex wanders over and Binky and Fran inform him that Phoebe is a bitch. He agrees just in time for us to cut to Jamie telling Phoebe that Alex might still love her.

"Yeah I know." says Phoebe.

I'm surprised her head still fits into that beanie.

Back in the crowd, Alex walks off to find 'the bois'.

Fran delights in asking Binky whether 'the bois' will be a bad influence on him and take him to nightclubs full of hot girls.


Having established that relationships aren't games and that women have feelings, Spencer thinks 'fuck it' and brings Vitalia to the gig just to piss off Andy.

Maybe Spencer and Andy should just get together.

His arrival prompts Lucy and Louise to bitch about Vitalia and pat themselves on the backs for at least having been Spencer's head wife when they were with him, unlike that poor unfortunate soul. 

"At least we were allowed access to the palace garden, amiright!?"

As part of her duties, Vitalia has been dismissed to the bar to fetch Spencer a drink and bumps into Gangster Andy in the process.


He informs her that she's an idiot for sleeping with Spencer and storms off, only to bump into The Tall-Haired One himself.

I don't know what's worse, Spencer's quiff or Andy's hat.

Andy finally says what we've all been thinking. 

"I don't think this is about Vitalia at all..." he whispers, while Spencer gazes at him through lowered eyelashes.

"I don't think it is either..."

While they make out, PhoeBob head over to tell LucyBot to work things out with Jamie.

I think they should work things out with their wardrobes.

The morning after, private investigator Binky questions Lucy on what happened at the gig.

"This robot walked into my office..."

Binky decides to host a supper, where Lucy and Jamie will be able to sort out their relationship issues.

They also discuss how Alex is, at that very moment, meeting Phoebe-Lettice, or 'The Lettice' as Lucy calls her.

Phoebe Lettuce.

Let's go see what they're talking about, shall we?

Phoebe's outfit today is 'Villain Chasing Bond On Skis'.

Surprise, surprise. They're talking about themselves again.

"Yeah it's pretty shit." says Phoebe about whatever.

You're telling me.

Since it seems they're contracted to appear in every episode, we're also forced to sit through another Mark, Victoria and Sophie scene.

Spoiler: These people are very rich and talk about rich people stuff!

Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Because that never gets old.

Elsewhere, Spencer and Vitalia are also drinking. Again.

They just pay for a liver transplant every other week. 

Women across the country cheer as Vitalia finally tells Spencer he can keep his tiny penis away from her, thanks very much.

Spencer takes the news very well.


Then it's time for the 'Let's give Jamie and Lucy's stupid relationship more attention than it deserves' supper at Binky's house.

Luckily, we shan't have to endure too much as Lucy texts Binky saying that she isn't going to turn up anyway.


JaMichael Jackson decides he's too sad to stay and walks off into the moonlight.

You might say he moonwalks outta there ;) ;)

His departure leaves Binky and Alex to chat about the cold-as-iceberg Lettice. Alex tells the longest and most boring story just to explain that he doesn't love Phoebe.

He worries that Binky looks annoyed.

She's not annoyed Alex, she's just falling asleep.

Then the whole mess ends with a montage even the eighties would be ashamed of. 


Next week on Made In Chelsea

- So many fucking lamps!

- And ridiculous hats everywhere!

Can't wait.