Tuesday, 9 September 2014

Made in Chelsea NYC: Episode 5 - This series has been designed to drive one girl insane and that girl is either Billie or me.

Previously on Made in Chelsea

- New York.

New York.

- Jules did very well at his eye test with Rosie, Binky and Louise.


- Aaaand there was lots of unappetising-looking kissing.

Putting me RIGHT off my pretzels. 

This week's QOTD is another gem from Chelsea's resident sex pest Spencer Matthews, who is sounding even more than his usual amount of rapey this week.

The sort of advice that could only be issued by someone who no girls want to sleep with.


So good they filmed it twice. 
...and then also a million more times. 

Enjoying the sights IRL, are two normal people and one not normal person.

Spot the odd one out. 
If you guessed bottom left then, well done! You identified the robot.

I don't feel like Louise is embarrassed enough about being related to Barry Scott.

Why isn't she crying?

Also making a prat of himself is this guy.

The one in the ridiculous shirt next to Jamie.

And if that's not enough prattery for you, here's Stevie attempting to show Billie what he did at school today. 


Just kidding, Billie is (of course) having a photo shoot on a rooftop. Is she a model? I thought she made lollipops.

Anyway Bob and creepy Jules are there, since those two people have something vaguely to do with fashion and can therefore plausibly appear in this photo shoot scene. 

Jules' overly-snoggy third wife turns up. 

P.D.A - Polyamorous Display of Affection.

Bob points out that Jules and Wife 3 really look alike. He's right and now they creep me out even more.


They talk a lot about being polyamorous, which is about as interesting as when vegetarians talk about being vegetarian.

If you must know more, Jules has written a blog all about being polyamorous that you can make fun of here.

"Polyglamorous: How I got my girlfriend to let me sleep with other women."

We cut to some graphic closeups of pancakes before joining Rosie, who is still being beautifully British about the whole thing.

"Fancy that! That's three more relationships than I've had in total!"

Meanwhile, Bob has swapped the photo shoot for shootin' some B-ball outside of the school.

When a couple of guys who were up to no good, started making trouble in the neighbourhood.

Polyamory is the hot topic of the moment here too. Spencer thinks it's a really good idea.

Which sort of tells you everything you need to know, doesn't it.

Elsewhere, Mark, Binky and Billie have been sent to source new parts for Lucy.

Then I get distracted by somebody's fingers having massage. 

Why is this on TV?

Oh, it's Stevie having a MANicure with LucyBot. Of course.

LucyBot, who spent lots of the last episode making sure Stevie 'won' Billie, now tries to convince Stevie that his relationship is 'meh' since the thrill of the chase is gone. Stevie assures her this is not the case.

He also helps her practise some facial expressions.

Then everybody decides to go to the Hamptons because GOD DAMNIT New York is boring.

Of course this being Made in Chelsea the group can't actually plan a trip there. They have to all 'bump into each other' there or it's not ENTERTAINMENT.

While they do that, Lucy gets a phone call from this lady!

Ohh yeaah, it's her! From that thing!

It seems I missed a lot when I skipped the last series.

I thought this lady went out with Spencer but apparently she's had time to have a long and meaningful relationship with Stevie since I last watched Made in Chelsea.

'Bout two weeks then.

Anyway she's coming to New York to rock this rat-infested boat.

Lucy does the new 'No, don't come, it'll be awkward' face that Stevie taught her but forgets that humans can't see expressions over the phone.

Oblivious to LucyBot's desperate facial expressions, Stephanie arrives in New York. She seems really excited to be there.

Isn't she American? Isn't this just like the equivalent of going to Birmingham for the weekend?

She and Lucy discuss what happened with Stevie. What did happen with Stevie? I don't care. 

Despite not wanting to upset her friend, Lucy feels obliged to tell Stephanie that Stevie is now dating Billie. 

She just hates making people sad.

Stephanie is devastated. "Please tell me he's not walking in here right now." she says.


Come on. You've seen Made in Chelsea before.

Since Lucy just can't stand giving people news that will distress them, she also sends a picture of Stephanie to Binky.

Who is with Billie.

Who is dating Stevie.

Lucy's not even here to enjoy this misery. I can only assume she senses it long-distance.

Then Stevie turns up and things are looking even worse for Billie, since he starts shaking, laughing and crying simultaneously as soon as he sees Stephanie.

He only likes her so much because the beginning of her name is 'Stephan'.

The three have a nice chat for a bit but that's no fun for Lucy so she brings up Billie.

Then, when the two Stephans fail to fight, she yells "CAN WE JUST NOT TALK ABOUT BILLIE?"

"*sigh* If no one's getting punched then we may as well move on to something else."

Just when you thought Billie's day couldn't get worse...

I'd probably go ahead and drown myself in the sea now, Billie. It'll be more pleasant in the long run.

The boys join the Hamptons gang and everyone retires to Alik's beach house to scream about opening champagne.

You'd think they'd be fucking used to it by now.

Jamie is feeling a little mindblown by the fact that Stephanie has turned up to take Stevie out of the picture just as Spencer and Billie are in the Hamptons together.

"The gods are in your favour!?" he shouts.

Jamie didn't really get The Hunger Games.

Also: the gods.

In other news I can't actually handle Alik anymore.

What are you talking about??
Why are you so close to everyone all the time?

Elsewhere in the house, Billie is faced with the prospect of being left alone with Spencer and reacts like any normal girl would.

"Don't leave me!" she whispers desperately as Binky gets up to go.


Binky leaves anyway and Spencer sums up the entire Made in Chelsea ethos in two screenshots.

This is actually the motto on the MiC family crest.

After enduring yet another creepy chat with Spencer, Billie looks like she might genuinely be at breaking point.

"Go on Made in Chelsea, they said. It'll be fun, they said."

The next morning, Binky and Louise drink champagne to get rid of their hangovers. Binky asks if Louise had fun last night. "How many times did you have fun?" she cackles.

"A couple!" replies Louise.

Her mother must be so proud.
Mind you she's got Barry Scott for a son so the woman's probably in an asylum already anyways.


This is way better than #fencewatch!

Everyone else joins the table and Spencer jokes loudly about having sex with Billie.

You could always #plateface him Billz.

In fact, all the girls look to be having about as much fun as you can have when Spencer and Jamie gatecrash your holiday.

i.e. None.

Also facing an awkward morning-after-the-night-before are Bob and Stevie, who drunkenly rekindled their pirate party fling last night.


Back in the Hamptons, Jamie finally experiences a little self-awareness.

Now if only he'd realise that 'Flashdance' is not a good look for him.

On the other side of the garden the girls try to console Billie as, after being relentlessly pursued by Stevie, she receives a text from him essentially breaking up with her.

But what would be entertaining about that?

Then Stevie confirms once and for all that there are no nice boys in Chelsea by going on a date with his ex. 

Also, he's still not so good at the kissing.

They talk about their feelings a lot.

Luckily only with Made in Chelsea's usual amount of depth.

After that they hug and flirt while this girl looks uncomfortable to be on screen and then it's the end.

"Is the camera on me now? It's on me now isn't it. Oh god I'm going to be a star."


Next week on Made in Chelsea

- Jamie and Spencer take the proper precautions before going paddling in the Hamptons.

"We haven't eaten in the past half an hour either."

- Stevie teaches his American girlfriend some stuff. 

"This is 'white'. White is a colour. That's c-o-l-o-U-r."

- And Stephanie and Billie bond over the fact that both their parents clearly wanted boys. 

"I took the 'ie' off the end of my name and I suddenly realised."

See you there!

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